It's Just One Of Those Days....

I was thinking the other day and have come to realize something that I've started doing.

In talking to other adults, or if I'm in a group just listening and the topic goes to prematurity of different children in their lives, I don't say anything. I listen, nod my head at the appropriate times, but I really don't talk about S or A. I especially don't talk about S. I don't tell anyone any specifics, I don't tell them the horrors of the NICU life, nothing, zilch, nada.

It's not that I don't want to say anything, and it's not that I don't want them to know I understand.....I just....don't know why I don't engage in the topic anymore.

For one, sometimes I have "survivor's guilt" because, let's face it, a LOT of 25 week babies born do not survive and if they do, they sometimes have serious issues. Cerebral Palsy, Muscle Tone issues, seizures, colostomy bags because of the damage from NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis), brain damage, feeding issues and long term lung problems or breathing issues. The list goes on and on. S has none of those. He's your average, run of the mill, "normal" 8 year old boy.

Another reason is because I'm tired of telling people. I'm tired of reliving it, and I don't like getting emotional in front of people. I'm tired of thinking about it.

Maybe it's being selfish, I don't know, but more often than not, I'm pretty silent when I hear that so and so's brother's sister's cousin had a premature baby. I'm even silent when they ask questions and wonder what this or that means, or what medical procedure they are going to do next and will it help or not or why are they doing it in the first place.

I could help and tell them the answers and what to expect or what might happen.

But I don't.

And I really don't know why.

So, even though A doesn't have any physical problems, and no mental ones that cause extensive problems, we decided to allow him to participate in the Special Olympics. He started in Pre-K, but they didn't compete in any sports. They just had crafts for kids who were younger. This year, however, he did get to do a few sports. He came home sporting 3 ribbons. 2 for being in First Place and 1 for being in Second Place. I admit, I was very happy and even got misty-eyed. I'm glad I remembered that he would be pitted against kids of his own group, and not against kids who were in a wheelchair. I really did not want my child, who can run and jump and play, to have an advantage over a child who cannot do that. I almost didn't sign him up last year, but my stepson from my first marriage was in the Special Olympics and I remembered how they always set up each child with their group based on what they could do, they always made it fair.

I don't know how long he will be signed up. I imagine he'll stop being able to participate when he no longer has an IEP, or any "issues" that make him eligible. That could be in the next few years. But, I'll make sure he has fun, and remembers that everyone deserves to be treated nicely and with compassion, not matter what. That's all I want for both of my sons and I'm hoping they will do just that when they get older.

Here are A's ribbons.
1st in long jump
1st in 50 Meter Dash
2nd in Softball Throw

So, I have a major issues that I've touched base with on Face.Book. It may be a jumbled up mess on here, but I'm just thinking of things as I go.

We have a feral cat problem. In trying to do the right thing by all, I've tried to find ways to not have to call Animal Control. I am an animal lover to the very core of me. When I found out that Ace's owner planned on shipping him and his other siblings off to the pound, we immediately wanted one. We chose him and are so happy we did. When the neighbors moved and left their cat, we took over her care. We got Leroy from the pound in Ohio. Anyone see a theme here?

At first, the cat problem was only about 3 cats. Then, over the last 4 years, it grew. Then we started noticing the smell. It was everywhere. On our house, cars, trees, the kid's outside play equipment and toys, on their slide and on nearly everything we touched. When we had company over, it embarrassed me almost to the point of me not wanting anyone over. It didn't help matters that our next door neighbors were the ones to blame with all of this. They do not take care of their place or yard, so why take care of their animals?

I know it's not the animal's fault that they are in this situation. I know it's not fair that their life has to end because of some stupid humans decision to not take care of them. But, I have children who cannot be subjected to their odors anymore. I have two dogs who cannot be either. It is not healthy to continue to breathe in what their urine has in it. Not to mention rabies and inbreeding and sickness within the group.

Everything else, citrus sprays and even bleach are just a temporary fix and washes away with the first hard rain we get. We can't afford to keep going out and buying things like that in the hopes that it wards them off for a few days.

I made my decision and called Animal Control. We've already caught two cats. One being pregnant. They will save the ones they can for adoption, but those too wild or sick or injured will be put to sleep after a holding period.

I turned a blind eye for over 4 years, and I'm sorry they will be put to sleep, but they cannot be my problem, and I refuse to let them continue to make the problem bigger. I've made a couple of my Face.book friends mad and they don't understand why I couldn't just try this..or that..or this. A lot of them also do not have a family or kids to take care of. But, I'm not going to made out to be a horrible person, and I refuse to let my family's health be in jeopardy. They will always be my number one concern, no matter what has to happen.

My eldest, yet littlest, son's birthday was on Friday. Every year, I seriously think its going to get easier. That memories won't come flooding back. That I won't feel anxious or nervous or scared all day.

But I feel it coming on. Deep in the pit of my stomach. I feel..exhausted. I don't want to freekin' feel like this on my son's birthday for the rest of my life.

It's not fair to him, even though I don't say anything to him about it.
It's not fair to my husband who wonders why I'm a jittery mess.
It's not fair to me.

I want to move way past this. I know what I have in front of me are all of my greatest accomplishments. My Family. My husband, boys and pets. They really are my life and I would probably not be who I am today without any of them.

We usually have a family party, so my mind gets busy and set on making food and cleaning house, so that's a good distraction, but even that comes to an end when you are lying in bed.

I want it to be fair for him to have a nice day and not see his mom upset or holding it all in. I know he'll notice when he gets older.

Most of all, I want it to be fair for me.

We have no idea what to do with our eldest son. His behavior at school is not getting any better and his home behavior is starting to get worse as well.

He talks back to us all the time, says he wants to live with another family that has no rules and an X-box (our boys have a big TV in their playroom with a PlayStation and a Wii). J's patience with him is running out and I feel like I am stuck in the middle, trying to be the peacekeeper, once again. He breaks down in tears at every little thing he has to do or correct or work on. It's like he is already a teenager!!

To top it all off, the day we left Ohio, my Dad went into the hospital. He doesn't remember anything that happened on Friday and got released on Sunday. I kind of got upset with him and told him straight up that he had to move in with us. He just has to. Him living alone, with no one to help care for him, or take him to the doctors is just not acceptable anymore.

All of this is causing me so much stress and confusion, that I feel anxiety attacks knocking. I feel like I want to run away and just wait things out and let everyone work things out on their own, and then I'll come back when things are quiet and taken care of and normal again.

But, that is not how life is. That is not what being an adult is. That is not responsible at all.

J said that if S doesn't show improvement, we are going to the doctor's to try and figure out what is going on and if he needs medication or not. Not that I think medications are bad things, but that is the VERY last option I want to resort to.

I have no idea what to say or do anymore. I hope something gets better soon, or I'll be in the loony bin, hugging myself.

We are in Ohio for Spring Break and it's been really really fun. I've enjoyed catching up with some classmates, and old friends that I haven't seen in a very long time. We've tried to keep a low key approach to everything and not schedule so many things at once and just kind of let things happen as they will, but that's hard to do at times. A couple of my days have been very very jammed packed and that's OK too.

The memories of my friends from school and family aren't the only memories I've endured this vacation. While going to visit a friend of mine, we took the highway that instantly brought me back to 2005 and being rushed to a bigger hospital because I was in labor at 24 weeks (had him at 25 weeks 3 days). I was calmly talking to my husband about what I remembered about the drive to the hospital, what the EMT said and how I just wanted her to shut the hell up already. This particular road is very very very bumpy and goes on for quite a few miles. Every bump raised goosebumps on my arm, and made me sicker and sicker to my stomach. Tears were definitely near and so I talked and talked and talked to try and squelch them. But, there came a time when the story ended and it got quiet..

5 seconds after being quiet, I started crying like a baby. Full on huge tears, sniffling and snotting, feeling like a panic attack was near and topped off with heavy breathing with me trying to calm myself. Not so good while driving, let me tell ya!

I hate the little things like that. You think you forget, you suppress memories like that, only for them to come roaring back to the surface and it nearly debilitates you. A scent..a sound..a conversation can instantly make you feel so small and weak.

I consider myself a very strong person. But even I have limits, I guess...

I am really at a loss on what to do about my eldest son. This year has been difficult, to say the least, for him in school. He is constantly lying and not doing his homework or not turning it in or even bringing it home. When he does bring it home, he doesn't turn it in and it's right because we sit with him and do it together!!

He talks excessively, disrupts his neighbors, acts like a dog in Math class and doesn't use his time wisely. What in the hell?! He's been bringing home bad reports practically from the first day of school.

J and I have talked to other parents who's kids has had the teacher he has this year, and nothing nice was said about her, but that is not an excuse to act like a disrespectful brat.

To top it off, my youngest son, who has NEVER been in trouble this year, comes home with a note and his glasses are broken. Crap. Even more crappy is that he broke his glasses himself because he wouldn't listen to the gym teacher, so he got a time out. In the process of that time out, he got mad, twisted and bent and broke his glasses.

Seriously, my kids have only their school work to focus on. I do everything else for them. They have no chores, except to keep their rooms cleaned and the living room free of toys.

I guess it's time for chore time at our house.

Other than that..I am out of ideas and almost out of sanity with these two boys. They seriously act like they are two years old.

I have no idea what to do...