Wednesday, October 16, 2013

October 15th

This time of year, a candle is lit to remember all the lost infants, miscarriages or any other type of infant loss that you've, or a friend or family member, has experienced.

In 2004, we got pregnant with our first. Things didn't go well. My numbers weren't rising like they should. And about 3 weeks after we found out we were pregnant, we lost the baby. And yes, I consider the life inside me a baby already. But, on March 17th, 2004, it all became real and final. I had to have a D&C because I wasn't passing the baby naturally. That's the date I count as truly losing our baby.

It's been a long time, life goes on, and we had two more children since then. Even both of their pregnancies where full of trials. S being born a micro preemie with very little odds of survival, and A being born under pre-eclampsia conditions and born a month early.

But that miscarriage still haunts me. It still makes me cry if I think too hard about it. I could have three kids right now. Three. But, I don't. It's an ache I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's like, a little tiny piece of your heart went with the baby when it died. No matter if you have other children and a husband that fill your heart up, there's still piece gone. Not to mention all the what if's. What if it was a girl? Or our first boy? Would he or she look just like their daddy, as our other two sons, do? Would he or she be just as funny and stupid acting as our two boys now? What kind of mischief would all three of them get into? What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I do, and the same thing happens? What if my husband blames me?

What if, what if, what if?! Three little words that haunt the ever living fuck out of you. Three words that can tear you down, and make you cry by just wondering. Three fucking little words that are so insignificant in your day to day life, unless you experience a tragedy.

My mother and I are not in the best of terms. We have quite the falling out and I haven't spoken to her since June. She's said things about me, that are just not true. She has no idea the hell I have been through, that J has been through, all of our lives. I guess that's what an absentee mother does, has no idea. I put up with so much from her, and tried to be a peace maker and got put down and talked bad about, and I finally stood up for myself. I don't need anyone negative in my life. I have enough demons to battle all on my own.

But, in the end, time does march on. Even if you don't want to march with it.

It's been 9 years, 6 months, 4 weeks and 1 day since we said our goodbyes.


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