Wednesday, October 2, 2013
It's been a long time since I've written in this little ole blog. It's not for the lack of words or thoughts. I've just been missing my drive to do much. Which brings up the title of this post.
After my back surgery, over 3 years ago now, I thought: "I'll give myself a year to heal, get both of my kiddos in school and get a little part time job". Little did I know that during that year, after all the swelling went down, after I healed on the outside, that the inside would still be broken.
I did not expect that. I still have difficulties understanding my limits. I don't think, that at my age, I should have limits. I don't think that I should be sitting down while my kids jump and play and run around. I should be out there with them. I should be jumping on the trampoline with them, I should be playing soccer, throwing footballs and teaching them how to swing a bat and ride a bike. It should be ME out there enjoying my family, my sons, instead of just my boys and my husband, with me looking out, wishing I could join them.
Some days, I only feel like I feed, bathe and send my kids off to school and that's all I do. I don't feel depressed about it, really. I'm just mad. I'm mad and I can't understand that when I do something fun, that I have to suffer for days, sometimes weeks, on end because I wanted to feel normal again. If only for just one day. I feel mad because I feel like my kids miss their Mom and I'm not living up to the type of Mother I really am or what one should be.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I'm not in a wheelchair. I'm thankful I can walk, albeit slower than usual and with a weird limp. I'm thankful I can get out of bed, and I can move and still laugh and be goofy. But, on the other hand, I'm mad because I'm just a shell of my former self. I don't feel like a good Mom or a good Wife.
The simplest things make me hurt in ways I couldn't imagine. I deep cleaned my kids' playroom about a month ago. I suffered for over a week because of it. The backs of both of my legs hurt so badly, I muffled a cry every time I sat down. I could have sat down on a cloud, or a pile of feathers and cried when it touched the back of my legs. Then today, I decided to pull up my boys' flooring in their bathroom (boys are NASTY) and put some new stuff down. I can already tell that I'm going to pay for it. The back of my legs hurt again and I'm getting leg cramps.
I'll admit it. I feel a little lost. I feel resentful when I see others having such a great time with their family. I feel ashamed when I have to ask my husband to help me put my socks on or help me tie my shoes. I feel useless in the intimacy department with my husband. I feel like a mooch because it takes so much money for me to go to the doctor's every 3 months. Each visit, is $160.00, sometimes more, straight out of the pocket, and my husband is the only one with a job. I feel like I'm taking money away from my kids and family when I go to the doctor's.
Then on top of my pain, I also have chronic insomnia. When the HELL will that ever go away? I can sleep really well for a month and then it's back to sleeping like shit again for a long, long time. I know it's from when S was in the NICU and I would call every hour on the hour for updates on him, when I was afraid to go to sleep in case I would get a phone call in the middle of the night with bad news. When I would pace from worrying about him, alone, in the hospital and wondering if my son was going to survive and come home to us.
I just want to feel normal again. Whatever normal is.
Maybe this is my new normal.
If so, I'd like a refund.