Friday, November 22, 2013

A video

So, there's this video that is circulating and it's of a baby born 3 months premature and his time through the NICU up until he's a year old. A LOT of my friends have private messaged me with this video, and some have just told me about it. I tried so hard to watch it. So very hard. But, I can't. I only get about 2 minutes into the video before I feel like I have to breathe into a paper bag and I feel like scrambling for my anxiety medication.

I'm happy that my friends think of me and how far S has come, and I'm happy that they think of S and I when they see something like that. It lets me know they care, and they care about my son and can appreciate how far he's come because they got to see it for themselves as well. Whether through video, pictures or in real life.

But, how can one watch a video when one cannot even drive down the road they got taken, by ambulance, to the bigger hospital where you gave birth to you son that only had a 50/50 chance of living? I can't handle seeing the medical devices, or hearing the noises or alarms. I even bitch my husband out if he comes home smelling like that sop the hospital uses, which he has only done twice and not since.

How could I watch a video, knowing that I'll probably be perched on the edge of my seat, watching the baby's chest fall and rise and praying it takes another breath, while watching through the tears streaming down my face. Feeling the back of my neck hair and arm hair prickle up as I wait for the monitors to beep the RIGHT way and hoping that it doesn't beep the WRONG way.

So, this is me, admitting defeat over a 7 minute video that I can barely watch 2 minutes of.

Oh well, life goes on.


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