Friday, May 10, 2013
I was thinking the other day and have come to realize something that I've started doing.
In talking to other adults, or if I'm in a group just listening and the topic goes to prematurity of different children in their lives, I don't say anything. I listen, nod my head at the appropriate times, but I really don't talk about S or A. I especially don't talk about S. I don't tell anyone any specifics, I don't tell them the horrors of the NICU life, nothing, zilch, nada.
It's not that I don't want to say anything, and it's not that I don't want them to know I understand.....I just....don't know why I don't engage in the topic anymore.
For one, sometimes I have "survivor's guilt" because, let's face it, a LOT of 25 week babies born do not survive and if they do, they sometimes have serious issues. Cerebral Palsy, Muscle Tone issues, seizures, colostomy bags because of the damage from NEC (Necrotizing Enterocolitis), brain damage, feeding issues and long term lung problems or breathing issues. The list goes on and on. S has none of those. He's your average, run of the mill, "normal" 8 year old boy.
Another reason is because I'm tired of telling people. I'm tired of reliving it, and I don't like getting emotional in front of people. I'm tired of thinking about it.
Maybe it's being selfish, I don't know, but more often than not, I'm pretty silent when I hear that so and so's brother's sister's cousin had a premature baby. I'm even silent when they ask questions and wonder what this or that means, or what medical procedure they are going to do next and will it help or not or why are they doing it in the first place.
I could help and tell them the answers and what to expect or what might happen.
But I don't.
And I really don't know why.