It's Just One Of Those Days....

Got another letter in the mail from the wonderful Disability people. This is the 2nd time I've been denied, so now it's onto a lawyer, after I get a set of records from the doctor I had in Alabama (who DIED this year from a cycling accident!! Whoa!). They are saying that my injuries in 2005-2009 are not severe enough to cause me to not be able to perform a job.

Uhh?

I haven't worked since 2004..my back got even worse after the birth of my son in 2005..got even worse while pregnant in 2006 and after the birth of my 2nd son in 2007 and lo and behold..I had to have SURGERY because of this injury in 2010!! What in the living hell?!!

It's frustrating because all I want to do now is give up. Just forget trying and move on. It's very stressful and  my nerves always feel exposed, and raw and I don't know what to do or where to turn at times. I want to cry all the time, because there are people out there (that I know personally) who are on Disability because they have "bad feet" and are pretty much an alcoholic. I know one person on it who is Bi-Polar (or so he says, he's really nothing but a druggie) and hasn't worked nearly as much as I have. It's so..damn unfair at times!!

Every time I have second thoughts..and think about giving up, there is one little voice in the back of my head saying, "Nope, don't do it. You can do this, go talk to a lawyer, and let them take over the stress for you."

I just know that I can't do this much longer on my own. I can't handle the stress of wondering what's going to happen, can't handle the stress of me possibly going back to work even though 2 doctors now say there is no way I could hold a job ever again. I can't handle the stress of my husband worrying about bills or money and constantly having to live paycheck to paycheck. J is great, he doesn't blame me for anything, he doesn't like me worrying, but how can I not? I go to doctors, I have medication that costs around $50 a month, not to mention still paying on all my back hospital bills and procedures. He needs to go to the doctors about a few things going on and he can't because it's all tied up in MY care. How could a wife NOT feel bad about that?

I'm stressed. I finally admit it. After I received that denial letter this week, I felt my spirit and soul collapse. Even though I know what a fight it is to try and win a Disability claim. Even though I know they deny 90% of everyone who files. It was still a blow to my already weakened psyche. I might need some help with that too.

I actually did a little of what I talked about in my last post. I wasn't nearly as mean and didn't yell at the boys last night. I'm hoping it will be a good day and night for them and me, today!