Friday, August 5, 2011

Where do you start a post such as this? What is Faith, really? Is it a feeling of having security and love or does it come from a more spiritual meaning? Meaning you have Faith in GOD or GOD is Faithful. I guess they both hover that fine line right above each other.

My late teenage years were good. I had been going to Church, praying, reading my bible and got baptized at 18. I never missed a Sunday (morning and night service) and I felt comfortable there and loved it. Did a few things with the Youth Group and that was fun. Then I got a job. Started missing bible studies and Sundays at church. It them became more about me being in my late teens, almost 20's and having fun with my friends. I don't ever remember hiding my religion from my friends. It was just never brought up a lot.

Then Family started noticing that I wasn't going to Church anymore. And their attitudes towards me changed. Then I moved to Georgia, so that didn't matter much anyhow. I could find any church down here that I was comfortable in. Had I truly lost my way. Had the Faith that I felt in Ohio suddenly gone now, and I couldn't, no didn't..know how to find it again?

Over the last 10 years my Faith has taken tumble after tumble. Tossed and burned. Shaken and Stirred. Deaths became abundant around me. My first husband, a miscarriage, my grandfather dying, my aunt who just died. Various other friends and family members. The list goes on really.

The biggest reason for me to have lost my faith...and lost my faith is what I believed in was my first born son, Samuel. Born at 25 weeks, leaning so far out on the brink of death, only to be pulled back in again and be spared. If GOD were a loving and good God, then why did this happen to me? I also lost a lot of faith in myself. As a wife, as a mother, as a human.

In the blink of an eye, a snap of the fingers, my Faith vanished. My Hope was squelched. How do you come back from that which you have lost so quickly?

I didn't think GOD was supposed to do that to you. Someone who kingdom is for the children.

People want to say they prayed over Samuel and I'm thankful. But it doesn't mean much to me, even now. I don't think I will ever be able to find the Faith I once had. No matter how many years has passed.

Don't get offended. I'm not questioning your GOD, directly. I'm just grasping at the straws, 6 years later, trying once again to find the Faith and Hope that once always accompanied my days. I'm sad that I will never know why this happened to us, but I'm equally and justifiably sad over the fact that I don't think I'll ever find it again. So where does that leave me....and why do I feel so....empty at times.


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