Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Ponderings

With Samuel's 3rd Birthday looming, I can't help but wonder about the "what ifs"



  • What if S didn't make it?

  • What if he had some disabilities

  • What if he didn't make it.....

That one is tough, that question keeps going thru my mind. I'm transported back to hospital days. Me being on bed rest, them telling me that I had to have him now. The "statistics" on 25 weekers. It's a horrible way to think. Especially on your child's birthday.

But that's my lot in life now. His birthday's are not joyous days to us. I'm not saying I walk around all depressed and what not, and don't make his day for him, it's just that I have all these memories of that day. How horrible I felt. Wondering if J and I were doing the right thing by keeping him on this earth. Did he even have a chance? How fair was it to make him struggle to live. To have medical procedure after medical procedure done on him. And all the pain he must have felt. It breaks my heart over and over again. Then there are the days of self pity. Why me? What did I do SO wrong in life that I deserved to have this stress and heartache placed on my shoulders. After the party is done, the cake and ice cream are eaten and my beautiful sons are tucked in bed. I have nothing to do but remember.

Even though, those feeling I have about S's birthday is becoming less and less traumatic every time a birthday rolls around, I still have those thoughts. I HATE those thoughts and questions that no one can answer. I hate the horrible memories his birth brings. I hate having all this hate about this event, it's supposed to be a grand event, after all, he is alive and thriving. That's what any mother would want.

I just don't know how you can escape a memory that's forever burned into your soul, and more importantly, your heart. And honestly? I don't think you can.

*before someone spouts off that I should be lucky to have what I have, and not complain. Let me just say this. I know for a fact how blessed I am. I have a daily reminder of it when I look at my family.

2 Comments:

  1. Jen said...
    Just because he's healthy and well doesn't mean that you can't grieve the times that were hard. I can't and don't want to imagine it for one second. You are a great mommy. Happy Birthday to Samuel!
    Sam said...
    Man, it's like I wrote that myself. I know exactly what you mean. I get sick at my stomach sometimes, looking back at the old pictures, reading my old blog entries, remembering the fear, the pain, the heartache. I know.

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