Wednesday, November 7, 2007
*I'm giving a warning. I'm open and very upfront with my feelings (most the time anyhow), they are mine, do not think you can come to my blog and spout off how wrong I am to have any type of feelings to which you deem wrong. I will (sarcastically) laugh at you. I articulate better in writing, some of which can be a bit graphic, so read at your own risk. And don't say I never warned you. That goes for this whole blog, just not this post*
I didn't do much journaling about S's life in the NICU. It was a long hard road that I didn't feel like reliving after our visits with him. Our visits were long, lasting hours and hours. But in a way, I always felt we weren't there enough.
It's no secert that I am bitter, and angry (still) and upset with myself about S's birth. Most of my friends and some family know how I still haven't healed. Physcially, I'm fine. Emotionally? Not so much.
I found out I was pregnant with S. on Thanksgiving Night, 2004. 8 months after my first miscarriage and the same month I was due with that child. Talk about a SLEW of feelings coming at you all at once. That was a night I'll never forget. I was so scared. So happy. So nervous. The miscarriage was hard on J. and I. Especially J. He really really took it hard. He cried and mourned more than I did. I did what I normally do in tough situations. Retreat into myself. Let it simmer and stew in my body, mind and spirit, but be my normal self on the outside. I had to have a D&C with that miscarriage. March 17th. Nothing says HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY like a surgical procedure to have the tissue of your child who didn't make it, removed. Then we moved back to my home state of Ohio from Georgia. Got a place and decided to offically start TTC in June. I charted, I temped, I counted. I got annoyed. I quit doing all that and then..well..we got pregnant. I know..that's such a cliche', but that's how it happened.
PT. 2 coming soon.