Saturday, April 27, 2013
My eldest, yet littlest, son's birthday was on Friday. Every year, I seriously think its going to get easier. That memories won't come flooding back. That I won't feel anxious or nervous or scared all day.
But I feel it coming on. Deep in the pit of my stomach. I feel..exhausted. I don't want to freekin' feel like this on my son's birthday for the rest of my life.
It's not fair to him, even though I don't say anything to him about it.
It's not fair to my husband who wonders why I'm a jittery mess.
It's not fair to me.
I want to move way past this. I know what I have in front of me are all of my greatest accomplishments. My Family. My husband, boys and pets. They really are my life and I would probably not be who I am today without any of them.
We usually have a family party, so my mind gets busy and set on making food and cleaning house, so that's a good distraction, but even that comes to an end when you are lying in bed.
I want it to be fair for him to have a nice day and not see his mom upset or holding it all in. I know he'll notice when he gets older.
Most of all, I want it to be fair for me.