Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I'm not naive. I know death can happen at any stage in life. I was only 5 or 6 weeks pregnant when our baby died. Newborns, children, teenagers, adults and elderly. Sick with any imaginable disease, or just from natural causes, it will and it does happen. Any time, any day.
My husband and his siblings lost their father at very young ages. 8 years later, they lost their mother as well. I've lost a few friends and my first husband and family members. I try not to dwell on the fact they are no longer on this earth, tangible to us.
The one person, who I loved dearly, died in 2007 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my Grandpa. Some days are better than others, and I don't always cry when I pass a farmer in his field. He was a produce farmer and a nursery owner. I don't cry every time I hear or see a train going by. He worked for the CAT railroad for many years. But sometimes, the tears do fall, when you least expect them to. I've been extra emotional the last couple of weeks. My Grandpa loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. There was always a fresh cut tree at my Grandparent's place when you walked in for Thanksgiving Dinner. My Brother's Girlfriend posted a video of a train doing a last run before retirement, and even long before you could see the train, you could hear it, and I knew I wouldn't be able to watch that video. But, I did for a little while longer, through very tear stained, blurry eyes.
Now I'm facing a new fear. My father. He's been ill for a long time. He has a laundry list of things wrong. Ranging from multiple heart attacks, to artery blockages and stints and not to mention his sometimes uncontrolled diabetes. Add to the fact that I am 600 miles away and can't be there to help, and it's all sorts of emotional turmoil for me. Hubby and I have tried to get him to move down where we are, so I am able to help him whenever he needs it, and he often says he's going to, but for the past 3 years, it's been a no-go. He's now found out, instead of the regular 2 main vessels going to his heart, he has 3 and the 3rd one is 80% blocked. And. It's in a difficult spot and so far, the news is that no stint can be put in. His doctor is calling around to see if anyone will put one in there, or will he have to have open heart surgery. I sit here and can't even come to grips on losing a parent. My parent. My Dad. It really blows my mind. Even though I know it can and does happen to everyone at some point in life. I just didn't really realize I was old enough to start losing my parents.