Sunday, June 7, 2009


I'm starting to get a little concerned that my insomnia is going to start taking me over soon. I've had varying degrees of insomnia since S was born. While he was in the NICU I was always calling. Woke up out of sleep every hour on the hour to call to check on him. I started to wonder why I was sleeping when I was having to wake up all the time. Then S started to be more and more stable and I would only call every 2 hours. Then we went to live at the Ronald McDonald House for the last 3 weeks of his hospital time. Not a great experience. If I wasn't by S's bedside, I was in the kitchen of the RMH, cleaning and doing chores until morning. Everyone who stayed there had some chores they did. Just little things that helped keep the place neat and clean. Then S finally came home. On medical equipment. O2 and and apnea monitor. I was always worried he was going to somehow get the O2 tubing around his neck or feet or arms and choke himself or cut off blood supply to a limb that I would constantly check on him at night. Not to mention the apnea machine. I was always waiting for it to go off. My body was always set to respond to S if it did go off. After the first year of S's life, things finally calmed down and I started getting some decent sleep.

Then I got pregnant. I was sleeping pretty well until the 2nd trimester hit. Then J started in with his horrible snoring and was starting to cease breathing in a few of those snores. He was working his butt off for his psycho boss, and I always stayed up late, afraid for his well being. Thinking I was going to get a call that he had been hurt, or worse yet, killed because the boss was always working them illegally. So, I stayed up, and he would call me late at night just to have someone to talk to so he didn't fall asleep while driving.

Then came little A. Who screamed for 15 weeks straight. Who didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 6 or 7 months old. So more loss of sleep there.

Then came J's diagnosis of severe obstructive sleep apnea and the CPAP machine. This was actually good news. The CPAP wasn't noisy, and J's snoring wasn't keeping me awake. But my worries over him working as much as he did continued. I've never been so glad to see someone quit a job in all my life.

But..the insomnia continued and I'm still suffering through it today. 4 years later. The doc put me on some meds to help, and this is my 3rd day taking them and they have not worked thus far. The next step will to have a sleep study done to try to find out why I am not sleeping more than I should.

A few things come to mind:

  1. Stress
  2. Kids
  3. Can't seem to shut my mind off
  4. Thinking of things that have happened or that may happened
  5. Thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow or how the day is going to g.
I'm hoping something is done soon. I feel my mind slipping and I'm losing any control that I have over myself. I'm so tired some days, I can't form a sentence. I definitely want to be the mother and wife that I once was. I can handle only getting 4-6 hours of sleep a day..but this 2-3 is really not cutting it.


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