Sunday, January 25, 2009
I hear it in his voice. The will to live, to try, is no longer there. This isn't the first time I've heard death in someone's voice. Damn it.
I tried to call him Saturday. No answer and he usually calls me back if he doesn't answer. I tried today. No answer. I get a bad feeling when I can't get a hold of him. It usually means he's in the hospital.
Last week, he got 4 stints put in his left leg. They told him that if they were to clog again, he would have to have the leg removed. He has diabetes, heart problems, clots, and strokes.
Tonight, J was talking to my ex-step-mom on Yahoo messenger and she told him that my dad is in a nursing home. I called him up. He sounds horrible. His blood sugar is out of control, and he's now started having seizures. He had 5 the other day and one today. He also had another stroke. That makes..I dunno..7 or 8..and that includes small ones over the last year. He'll get out next week, they hope, but he said that he probably won't make it to next week. He can't die. He can't die without me seeing him, without his grand kids seeing him one more time. I can't handle another person dying and me not being there to say goodbye. Especially my dad.
One time, I stopped talking to him. From about 1996 until 2003. Big fight. I forgave and forgot. I just NOW started being a part of his life, I just now started being "Daddy's little girl" again.
I want to go up to Ohio, but can't afford a 2-3 week car rental. I'm not going to go up just for a couple days, I want a few weeks and J has no vacation time right now. So he won't be coming up with us.
My stomach hurts, worse than usual.
I can't lose my dad, I can't.