Thursday, October 9, 2008
As I was looking back on my posts here, I found that I didn't finish S's birth day post. It still says "draft" beside it. I remembered why I didn't finish it. I simply couldn't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I don't know why.
Will finishing it help bring me some peace? I have no idea.
Will reliving some nightmares of the NICU phase bring closure? I have no idea.
But I do know that at this point in time, I still, 3 years later, don't think I'm ready to type things all out. I started to, and got pretty far. I'm sure I won't forget anything, after all, who could forget the first three months that your child struggled for survival? Or how you didn't get to hold your child for the first time until 6 weeks after they were born.
But typing out that birth story was taking a toll on me. Emotionally. That's why I quit and moved this blog to the now. I had originally meant for this blog to help me heal. To talk about S's NICU time, his birth and where he's at now. But I can't..I can't go back to his birth. Anyone who know me in real life knows that I have anger, fear and sadness issues related to S's birth and NICU time.
I can't go back right now.
One day I will.