Thursday, October 9, 2008

Story forgotten

As I was looking back on my posts here, I found that I didn't finish S's birth day post. It still says "draft" beside it. I remembered why I didn't finish it. I simply couldn't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I don't know why.

Will finishing it help bring me some peace? I have no idea.

Will reliving some nightmares of the NICU phase bring closure? I have no idea.

But I do know that at this point in time, I still, 3 years later, don't think I'm ready to type things all out. I started to, and got pretty far. I'm sure I won't forget anything, after all, who could forget the first three months that your child struggled for survival? Or how you didn't get to hold your child for the first time until 6 weeks after they were born.

But typing out that birth story was taking a toll on me. Emotionally. That's why I quit and moved this blog to the now. I had originally meant for this blog to help me heal. To talk about S's NICU time, his birth and where he's at now. But I can't..I can't go back to his birth. Anyone who know me in real life knows that I have anger, fear and sadness issues related to S's birth and NICU time.

I can't go back right now.

One day I will.



  1. Kyra said...
    Although Samuel was a lot earlier than my daughter (only 8 weeks early, she spent a month in the NICU), I still think of that time a great deal. It is a tragic thing to go through...especially when it happens to your first born. Writing it out will help heal you, but those wounds will always be there. It isn't going to go away, but it will lessen the pain and erase some guilt. I stand by your choice not to finish your writing, but I think it would help you to get it out one of these days. (((hugs)))
    ~Denise~ said...
    Take your time. I know writing helps me through it, but it is difficult. You'll know when you are ready.


Post a Comment