Monday, January 21, 2008

Feels weird

It feels weird to write back to S's NICU's (he was at 2 different ones). I wrote them a letter on his first birthday and sent in a picture. We then moved to Alabama, and got busy, so I forgot to send them his two year progress. I know it helps parent's in there now with their children. Looking at the pictures alway gave me some hope and helped me keep my faith that if he made it that far, then he was destined to make something of himself as an adult. He was MEANT to be here. I think S's path was set for him when he arrived. I know everyone has a path they were meant to follow and every child was meant to be here, but it's just..I dunno...different with a preemie. They show their strengths from the getgo.

All the odds are stacked against you to live. 50/50 chance.
Then when you DO survive outside what "they" (the docs) think you should..."They" start telling you about being mentally disabled or mentally retarded. Or having NUMEROUS problems.

And then to beat all of that. Well, let's just say that's pretty damn good.

I wrote to S's NICU's tonight. They are short and sweet letters with a few pictures. Birth, almost 3 and one of him and A. I fear if I write more, I'll never stop. I hate looking at his birth pictures. They truly bring me such heartache and pain and sadness. I doubt if I'll ever get over that. When I take his picture out, J tells me to put them away, they are rough on him too.

Being a NICU parent is something I wouldn't wish on the Devil himself. In some ways, it's made me stronger and more sure of my parenting. In other situations I get a little scared and jittery on what I should do, always thinking the worst. Like when they get sick or hurt. Even if it's just a little cold, I get nervous and start thinking about breathing treatment, medications, if his O2 levels are ok. Always hoping it doesn't get worse.

Like I said..wouldn't wish it on the Devil himself.

S's birth picture:

A picture of S's in December 2007:

If you think I'm thankful, you bet your ass I am!!


  1. Carrie said...
    His birth pictures are scary. I was going through some pictures I have of him from the first time I held him and all I could think was, "What that must have been like for them..."
    Robyn said...
    I have never seen pics of you holding him! Share with me!

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