Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Look! An actual blog! I can doooo it! So yeah...
When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I was scared to death. I didn't know if I wanted a baby or not. I was freaking out over every little thing that Tom, Dick and Harry's mom's mom mom's mom did or the advice that was given to me. So when I actually had a miscarriage, it was a weird set of emotions for me. At first I was like, "Whew, dodged the bullet on that one, because I don't think I was completely ready for that". Then, in the following days of my D&C, reality set in, and I realized how very sad I was. How sad for my husband I was (because he was devastated) and how sad that a baby that I was carrying was not going to grace this world with it's awesomeness.
Then we had a big upheaval of our lives with jobs, moving to a totally different state and finding our way back to being a normal couple after a miscarriage. If someone tells you a miscarriage doesn't take a toll on you, or it was for the best, something was wrong with the baby anyhow..you have my complete permission to slap the living crap out of that person and tell them to shut the frick up. A miscarriage messes up your emotions, your mental and physical being, everything.
But let me tell you where the real mind frig begins: When you find out you're pregnant again after a miscarriage. Now that it total war on you as a person. It really tests your strength as a woman and as a couple. You battle yourself constantly and there is no one you can really go to who doesn't automatically say "Don't worry about, it will be ok, don't think like that". That is not possible. At. All. I'm not even going to describe it as someone going through infertility, or someone going through cancer, because those journey's are totally different in nature. There is one thing that is similar in those cases though, and that is fear.
When I found out I was pregnant again in November of 2004, I was so scared and so nervous. Every little twinge or every little pain I immediately thought I was having another miscarriage. I can't count how many times I went to the doctor or the hospital in fear that I was losing yet another baby. Turns out though, that this baby was a challenge in itself. He decided to show up at 25 weeks. So all that fear comes back, only in a different form this time. I'm not going to sugar coat it like many baby shows on T.V. NICU life is HELL. Think about Hell and how horrible it is, only amp that up 100 times and that's NICU life. But, for the sake of time, and my emotional well being, I'm going to cut it short and say that my NICU baby is now 7 and thriving very well.
Then another mind frig: Being pregnant AFTER having a micro preemie!! Oh my dear God, and I thought being pregnant after a miscarriage was hard! I was wrong wrong wrong! See, now you know something bad can happen, as you've just been through it. You've lived it, breathed it, ate it, slept with it and know what can and can't happen. Worst of all, you KNOW you don't want to go through that again, but really, you have no say in what happens. You truly don't. You hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Luckily for me, my second son decided to stay in for a bit longer. He was born at 36 weeks because I developed Pre-E in my 3rd trimester.
So let's get this straight. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. You are a mother for a reason. You have instincts to guide you. Listen to them at all times!! I know it's easy to ask for other people's advice. Older, more experienced mothers. Mothers who have raised their children successfully. But here's the thing: Every child is different, just like every pregnancy is (which is the point I was trying to make up top). So ask when you really need to, but go on what you feel. If you feel like your kid is sick, and getting worse, go to the doctor. If you don't think your child is ready to go to normal food, don't do it. If you want to home school instead of sending them to a public or private school, then by golly, go for it!! When you start asking for lots of help, people tend to give you more than you need. Then keep giving you more when you don't even ask for it. Figure it out for yourself! You are not going to kill your child, they are strong little suckers!
I don't know why I wrote this post. Maybe it's the meds I'm on. Maybe our trip to Florida made me think and change some of my old habits. Such as always having to schedule things. Where we go, what we do, when we eat, that sort of thing. Maybe it's the fact that I have a handful of friends that are homeschooling their children and they seem to be getting so much CRAP for it. Why?? What's the big deal and how does it affect your children and your life??! Why do we, as parents, put each other down all the time? Unless you are hurting your children physically and emotionally, we should all be here to support one another! This making fun of some one's choice on how they parent their child is ridiculous!! Also, the whole vaccination debate and circumcision debate and formula or breast feeding debate. Oh My God in a hand basket, really?? As long as your child is happy, and fed and healthy, why do you care exactly?!
I don't vaccinate my children. We stopped vaccinating S at almost a year old. We stopped vaccinating A at around 6 months old. I don't "leech" off of your healthy child. I don't think that the whole "herd" mentality thing works. My kids missed a total of 4 days of school last year! S had Type A AND B flu and was completely better in a 2 days. He got sick on a Tuesday, and was back to school that same week on a Thursday/Friday. Do I think I'm better than the ones who do vaccinate? Do I think they are wrong for vaccinating their child? NO. But, I do find it hilarious that those who do vaccinate always talk bad about people who don't. Like we are uneducated, stupid, lazy, sloppy, non-caring, and putting our children in danger. Umm..reality check: I'm NOT any of that.
I had a child in the NICU, I'm really farking good at doing research. Every little test they did on S, or medicine they gave him, or the medical terms and jargon they used, or every little thing that went wrong with his health, I could be found on the Internet, pouring over books. All in an effort to make sure my child was getting the best he could. To understand what was happening to him. To prepare myself for anything and everything that may have came our way. Now with A and his Apraxia. Yeah..let's just say I'm full of knowledge, and stand ready to fight for my children at all costs. And I don't mind that I bring information with me, and I don't mind if I have a differing opinion.
Because in the end, they are MY children. As long as they are raised to be good men and fathers, I will consider that a success and I'll do it without any one's "advice".