It's Just One Of Those Days....

So, I have no clue as to what has happened in my life to make me so anxious in crowds. If a restaurant looks too full, nope, not going in. My anxiety starts taking over even before we are halfway done with shopping. If the boys are with us, it's even worse. I start thinking my kids are acting worse than what they are, I start having tunnel vision and plowing through the crowd with no manners, and I start getting mad and irritated at my husband and kids.

Went shopping with my sister in law on Thursday, and even though we didn't encounter any crowds, by the time I got home, I was nervous wreck. In the stores, I was running into things, dropping things and laughing nervously. The bad luck continued at home, where I proceeded to still drop everything my hands touched, including a whole 3 cups of water all over the counter tops and floors. Dinner was a whole hour late because I could barely function. Then I went with J today and we went to the worst place ever. Wally-world. During the holiday season. On a Friday. I was shooing people ahead of me in the checkout line and J was like..what are you doing?? I thought the cashier was saying something totally different than what she was. Then we went to the dollar store, and it's not very often you see the woman sitting in the car, while the husband goes in to shop. But, that's the story of my life.

We do a LOT of our Christmas shopping online. The majority of the boys' stuff, at least. I still have to brave the crowds to do shopping for J and I am NOT looking forward to it. But, I will do it and it will all pass and be just fine.

I hope.

So, there's this video that is circulating and it's of a baby born 3 months premature and his time through the NICU up until he's a year old. A LOT of my friends have private messaged me with this video, and some have just told me about it. I tried so hard to watch it. So very hard. But, I can't. I only get about 2 minutes into the video before I feel like I have to breathe into a paper bag and I feel like scrambling for my anxiety medication.

I'm happy that my friends think of me and how far S has come, and I'm happy that they think of S and I when they see something like that. It lets me know they care, and they care about my son and can appreciate how far he's come because they got to see it for themselves as well. Whether through video, pictures or in real life.

But, how can one watch a video when one cannot even drive down the road they got taken, by ambulance, to the bigger hospital where you gave birth to you son that only had a 50/50 chance of living? I can't handle seeing the medical devices, or hearing the noises or alarms. I even bitch my husband out if he comes home smelling like that sop the hospital uses, which he has only done twice and not since.

How could I watch a video, knowing that I'll probably be perched on the edge of my seat, watching the baby's chest fall and rise and praying it takes another breath, while watching through the tears streaming down my face. Feeling the back of my neck hair and arm hair prickle up as I wait for the monitors to beep the RIGHT way and hoping that it doesn't beep the WRONG way.

So, this is me, admitting defeat over a 7 minute video that I can barely watch 2 minutes of.

Oh well, life goes on.

This week has been, needless to say, a very trying week for me. I feel like everything has gotten on my nerves and the smallest things I have made from a mole hill into a mountain.

We've all been sick the past few weeks, with various stomach bugs, viruses and colds. I know, duh, it's sick season time, but it still sucks.

I've been mad at S's situations at school. I feel, deep down, that they are not doing what they could be at his school for his Math. He does well at home, only to fail a lot at school. Last year, they said that this year (3rd grade), they will be taking a test and their scores will determine what kind of classes they go into. They warned us that he may have to go into a remedial type of Math because of his already low scores. I feel like they aren't doing all they can this year, because they want that extra money. Schools get extra money for kids who have IEP's and who are in special classes to help. That's just how it is. I'm all for letting my son go into a more specialized class, but when they said that it wouldn't be good for him, why even bring it up then?

Also, S's Reading class. Look, my son is a great reader. He's been read to pretty much out of the womb. He is an excellent speller, and great at sounding out difficult words. But, this year, he's brought home books that are less than stellar for him and they won't let him take books out above his level. What the frackity frack?! He's bringing home books made for Kindergarten through 2nd grade. He's in the 3rd grade. Another reason why I think they are up to something. So we've been getting him books at the local thrift store. Chapter books, scary books like Goosebumps, and some sweet ones like "Thunder From The Sea". He'll also be getting a library card as soon as we get a chance to swing by and get one. I'm going to give him free range of all the books but the teen and adult books. I hate saying anything bad about teachers, but I really feel that some are dropping the ball, and I don't mind picking it up, but he is with teachers almost 8 hours a day, and we can't teach him everything.

Then we've had a few spiders come in the house, or try to build a web outside the front door. Yes, I realize we live in the woods, but HOLY MOLEY!

So, these minor irritations have set me off this week and I am not sleeping well again. I hope things calm down!

This time of year, a candle is lit to remember all the lost infants, miscarriages or any other type of infant loss that you've, or a friend or family member, has experienced.

In 2004, we got pregnant with our first. Things didn't go well. My numbers weren't rising like they should. And about 3 weeks after we found out we were pregnant, we lost the baby. And yes, I consider the life inside me a baby already. But, on March 17th, 2004, it all became real and final. I had to have a D&C because I wasn't passing the baby naturally. That's the date I count as truly losing our baby.

It's been a long time, life goes on, and we had two more children since then. Even both of their pregnancies where full of trials. S being born a micro preemie with very little odds of survival, and A being born under pre-eclampsia conditions and born a month early.

But that miscarriage still haunts me. It still makes me cry if I think too hard about it. I could have three kids right now. Three. But, I don't. It's an ache I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's like, a little tiny piece of your heart went with the baby when it died. No matter if you have other children and a husband that fill your heart up, there's still piece gone. Not to mention all the what if's. What if it was a girl? Or our first boy? Would he or she look just like their daddy, as our other two sons, do? Would he or she be just as funny and stupid acting as our two boys now? What kind of mischief would all three of them get into? What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I do, and the same thing happens? What if my husband blames me?

What if, what if, what if?! Three little words that haunt the ever living fuck out of you. Three words that can tear you down, and make you cry by just wondering. Three fucking little words that are so insignificant in your day to day life, unless you experience a tragedy.

My mother and I are not in the best of terms. We have quite the falling out and I haven't spoken to her since June. She's said things about me, that are just not true. She has no idea the hell I have been through, that J has been through, all of our lives. I guess that's what an absentee mother does, has no idea. I put up with so much from her, and tried to be a peace maker and got put down and talked bad about, and I finally stood up for myself. I don't need anyone negative in my life. I have enough demons to battle all on my own.

But, in the end, time does march on. Even if you don't want to march with it.

It's been a long time since I've written in this little ole blog. It's not for the lack of words or thoughts. I've just been missing my drive to do much. Which brings up the title of this post.

After my back surgery, over 3 years ago now, I thought: "I'll give myself a year to heal, get both of my kiddos in school and get a little part time job". Little did I know that during that year, after all the swelling went down, after I healed on the outside, that the inside would still be broken.

I did not expect that. I still have difficulties understanding my limits. I don't think, that at my age, I should have limits. I don't think that I should be sitting down while my kids jump and play and run around. I should be out there with them. I should be jumping on the trampoline with them, I should be playing soccer, throwing footballs and teaching them how to swing a bat and ride a bike. It should be ME out there enjoying my family, my sons, instead of just my boys and my husband, with me looking out, wishing I could join them.

Some days, I only feel like I feed, bathe and send my kids off to school and that's all I do. I don't feel depressed about it, really. I'm just mad. I'm mad and I can't understand that when I do something fun, that I have to suffer for days, sometimes weeks, on end because I wanted to feel normal again. If only for just one day. I feel mad because I feel like my kids miss their Mom and I'm not living up to the type of Mother I really am or what one should be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I'm not in a wheelchair. I'm thankful I can walk, albeit slower than usual and with a weird limp. I'm thankful I can get out of bed, and I can move and still laugh and be goofy. But, on the other hand, I'm mad because I'm just a shell of my former self. I don't feel like a good Mom or a good Wife.

The simplest things make me hurt in ways I couldn't imagine. I deep cleaned my kids' playroom about a month ago. I suffered for over a week because of it. The backs of both of my legs hurt so badly, I muffled a cry every time I sat down. I could have sat down on a cloud, or a pile of feathers and cried when it touched the back of my legs. Then today, I decided to pull up my boys' flooring in their bathroom (boys are NASTY) and put some new stuff down. I can already tell that I'm going to pay for it. The back of my legs hurt again and I'm getting leg cramps.

I'll admit it. I feel a little lost. I feel resentful when I see others having such a great time with their family. I feel ashamed when I have to ask my husband to help me put my socks on or help me tie my shoes. I feel useless in the intimacy department with my husband. I feel like a mooch because it takes so much money for me to go to the doctor's every 3 months. Each visit, is $160.00, sometimes more, straight out of the pocket, and my husband is the only one with a job. I feel like I'm taking money away from my kids and family when I go to the doctor's.

Then on top of my pain, I also have chronic insomnia. When the HELL will that ever go away? I can sleep really well for a month and then it's back to sleeping like shit again for a long, long time. I know it's from when S was in the NICU and I would call every hour on the hour for updates on him, when I was afraid to go to sleep in case I would get a phone call in the middle of the night with bad news. When I would pace from worrying about him, alone, in the hospital and wondering if my son was going to survive and come home to us.

I just want to feel normal again. Whatever normal is.

Maybe this is my new normal.

If so, I'd like a refund.

I'm not going to say anything on my FB page, because even though I DO like to say what I want, it doesn't always mean that I HAVE to say what I want.

For the record, I don't mind people vaccinating their children. I don't care if you are really health food conscious and only eat organic everything. But, what I do mind is when you make others feel bad for whatever food or vaccination or doctor or mothering/fathering choices the other person makes all in an effort to make what you say right and the only way to be. Just because you may not eat Doritos and decide to make everything possible by organic this and that's does not give you the right to say "I don't know why anyone would put that in their bodies!!" or "That stuff is disgusting and just a way for the government to make money" or "That stuff makes you obese and keeps you energy levels down". Yeah..Ok..we get it. You have the money to make your own shampoo or whatever..you have the money to go out and buy organic everything (and don't kid me, organic EVERYTHING costs twice as much, I've seen the prices). I'm so happy that you've decided to put down people and take everything they say, twist it and make them look like a bad person or ignorant.

If these people are so into being super duper healthy and so worried about the chemicals and by-products that are put into the foods and therefore, into our bodies, then why in the world do you keep pumping your children full of chemicals from vaccinations?

Some of the most common things put in foods, that YOU are complaining about, are still being pumped into your kids, with your permission. So...Really???!! You're going to sit there and say that I'm the stupid one..or that I'm immune to what they are putting in our food when clearly, you fail to see it's the same shit that's put in vaccinations??

Some common ingredients of vaccinations:

• Formaldehyde
• Aspartame
• Mercury
• Thimerosal
• Aluminum Hydroxide
• Sorbitol Hydrolized Gelatin
• Chick Embryos
• Sheep Red Blood Cells
• Human Diploid Cells (originating from human aborted fetal tissue)
• Anti-Freeze
• Rabbit brains, horse blood and pig blood
• Sucrose

So before some people feel they can preach to me about what I cook for my kids, and call me out for the foods I'm feeding them and what chemicals are in the food, take a quick look at yourself and realize that you are doing EXACTLY the same.

And this is not to make the people I know who do vaccinate feel bad. You do what you think you should do to make your children safe and I understand that. But what I cannot stand is someone thinking they are better than me and trying to "educate" me in what I'm feeding my children. Keep saying stupid crap, and I'll call you out too...

So, my kids really aren't old enough to have other kids come to our house and just hang out and play video games or whatever they do. But, I've seen a trend with other friends and their older teenage kids and their friends just walk right into their house, or go straight for their fridge and eat and be loud. I don't want to sound like a stick in the mud Mom, but I don't want any other kids in my house. Is that bad? S and A recently had 2 kids come over and they jumped on the trampoline and S was asking all year if people from his bus that lives in the same subdivision as we do, could come over to play and I just don't want them to.

We never had any of our friends come over when I was growing up. I went to my friend's houses a few times. Had sleepovers, went to fairs and things like that.

I don't know why I'm against kids coming over. I'm a very friendly, outgoing person. Maybe old age is getting to me.

I know that, eventually, both of my boys will have a few good friends and they will all tag along with wherever each one goes. I know my attitude will probably change as they get older and I really won't mind kids coming into my house, but I'm still hoping it's a long ways off!!