It's Just One Of Those Days....

That didn't last

2012-01-26T22:37:00.000-06:00

So, I guess I really suck at sticking to something! I took pictures, but haven't posted them, so that makes me in the failure zone. Oh well! Not like a ton of people read this anyhow and would miss my pictures!

I have a post going up soon. I was blogging almost daily, but some stuff came up, and I just haven't. But, I will blog about those "stuffs" soon!

Pictures

2012-01-22T22:58:00.002-06:00

I think I'll do that thing I see everyone doing. Picture a day for a year, I think is what it's called. so, I have a few minutes left until the new day, so here's my Day 1.

My current view:

Adventures in Sushi

2012-01-22T02:02:00.000-06:00

My husband refuses to eat anything raw. As in, not ever going to try it, don't even ask.

So, on Fridays, we normally go to town and do all of our grocery shopping and enjoy lunch. Kidless. For the first time..in like...ever. Well..at least almost 7 years anyhow. It feels good to go out as just a couple and spend some Mom and Dad time together. We very very..well..never..get that!

The one restaurant we go to has sushi, and I, like my husband, refuse to eat anything raw at all. But I found a good compromise in this sushi. I found a few things that weren't raw or uncooked..whichever you like to say. And guess what? I really liked it! I know I've had something with crab, tuna and something else, not sure. But it was all good and it's my favorite restaurant to eat at now! So, seeing as how I told J that it wasn't raw, and it was actually very good, he tried it. Here's how it went down:

Me: Put some soy sauce on it, it's even better like that.
J: Ok.
J then proceeds to put the first piece of sushi in his mouth. Stops, looks at me, and spits it all back up in a napkin. Keepin' it classy, I tell ya!

Me: What in the world??!
J: I hate it, it tastes horrible. If I wanted something that bad, I should have just asked for something that tasted like ass when we first sat down.
At this point, I am laughing so hard my stomach is hurting.
J: It tastes like it was preserved from the 70's and it's bringing back the funk. And not in a good way.

I love my husband.

Exhausted

2012-01-20T03:05:00.001-06:00

I really really don't know how much longer I can go with these sleeping problems. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired all the time, even if J lets me sleep in or take a nap on the weekends, I feel literally drained.

Almost 7 years of wrestling with sleep would be enough to set anyone off the deep end. I either don't sleep all night, get the kids on the bus and then take a nap, or go to bed at night and only sleep a few hours before waking up again.

J keeps telling me: "Stay awake all day, stay awake all day, then you'll sleep all night and your sleeping will be back to normal". Do you know how very hard it is to stay awake all day when the housework and things are pretty much done? I don't trust myself to drive anywhere, for fear I'll fall asleep while driving. Do you know how hard it is to stay awake when you've only gotten a few hours of sleep in a 24-48 hour period. Can't be done unless I start taking some no doze stuff. Energy drinks don't work for me and they taste like what cat urine smells like. Bleck.

I guess my next step will somehow have to be getting to a sleep doctor. J works 3rd shift, and even though Fridays are supposed to be their days off, they do work overtime on that day and you never know which Friday you are going to work. They can spring it on them Thursday night. So it's not that easy to just up and make an appointment there when they are only there from Monday-Friday.

Things have gotten a lot worse over the last few months. Some changes I've noticed have been:

Increase in stress when dealing with the kids and husband.
Increase in being in a horrible, bitchy mood at all times.
Increase in being very weepy and crying a lot over things.
Increase in headaches.
Increase in full body aches.
Increase in my back hurting.
Increase of pain in between my shoulders, right in the middle, which goes up through my neck and causes pain in my neck.
Lack of concentration.
Memory problems.
Energy problems.
Loss of coordination at times.
Lack of being able to plan and stick to those plans.
Not being able to get my words out right when speaking, or words getting jumbled around.
My typing skills have gone to crap, and I used to be a very good and fast typer.

That might not seem like much, or some things on that list might not seem important to some, but it's important enough and frequent enough for me to take notice of them.

Here are some facts about insomnia:
"It is estimated that approximately 70 million American adults are affected by insomnia – characterized by difficulty falling asleep, waking frequently during the night, waking too early and not being able to return to sleep, or waking up not feeling refreshed. One study has found that only 20% of insomnia sufferers are being treated with a prescription sleep medication.

Results from a recent National Sleep Foundation Sleep in America poll reported that respondents experienced the following at least a few nights a week:

•65% experience insomnia symptoms,
•nearly 50% wake up feeling unrefreshed,
•42% awake often during the night, and
•nearly 30% wake up too early and can not get back to sleep.

An estimated 20% to 40% of all adults complain of acute, or transient, insomnia, generally defined as a complaint lasting several days up to a couple of weeks, while 10% to 15% complain of chronic insomnia, generally defined as a complaint lasting approximately four weeks or longer. The negative health consequences of insomnia are becoming better understood. Studies have shown that insomnia lasting more than four weeks is associated with a wide range of adverse health conditions, including mood disturbances, depression, difficulties with concentration and memory, and certain cardiovascular, pulmonary and gastrointestinal disorders. Chronic sleep deprivation has also been associated with an increased risk of diabetes and obesity. One study showed that when normal sleep was restricted by as little as two hours per night across two weeks, the affected person experienced a significant decrease in cognitive function that resulted in reaction time and other performance measures resembling those of a person who stayed up for 48 hours straight."

It may be in bad form, but I can see why Micheal Jackson resorted to those heavy drugs to help him sleep. Ambien just doesn't cut it anymore. I've been on it more times than I care to count and after a while, they just don't work. I've even tried other things like Melatonin and Chamomile Tea. Didn't get far with the tea though, it's HORRID tasting! Over the counter stuff has just lost it's edge and all of my docs now want me to go get a sleep study test done....

Which leads me back to having no one to help with the kiddos while I go have one done.

But, I'm afraid if I don't do something soon, I'm going to crack completely and be thrown in a nut house and then what? I seriously do not want to have a mental breakdown over lack of sleep and the stress it causes me.

I don't look good in white, and I'm claustrophobic.

Special Olympics

2012-01-19T02:44:00.000-06:00

A got something sent home today. It was a form requesting that we fill it out and return it. It was a form for him to participate in the Special Olympics. My first thought was.."Uhh..no, I don't think so". My second thought was.."Ok, maybe". My third thought was.."Uhh..no, I don't think so". See a pattern? It was very weird for me to get that letter. A lot of emotions ran through my head and heart all at once. What I can't get over is why they think he needs to be signed up. Are they trying to tell me something I don't know? A is in no way mentally, emotionally, or physically disabled. He does not have Autism or ADHD/ADD, Bipolar or have any other problems like that. And then I remembered...

Because A has an IEP, he automatically, in the state of Georgia, is declared to be special needs/special education. For the next 3-7 years, shorter depending on how he does with Speech Therapy, he will be declared as a special needs/special education child. It's easy for the state to dump all the children with IEP's in this category for whatever reason. Maybe they don't want to look at children's needs on an individual basis, after all, that's what the IEP's are for so why should special effort be given to categorize them?

Maybe I'm just being over emotional.

For the record, I want to say that I support the Special Olympics. My former stepson had Cerebral Palsy and always participated and you can be sure that I was in the stands to support him and cheer on the other participants. I went to at least 5 Olympics before his dad died and things just changed after that. I also want to say that in no way do I think that my child is too good for Special Olympics, I just don't think he falls in the category of needing to participate. I know they have different groups according to ability, but I just can't see putting him in with another child and A winning over all the other kids because he is not physically or mentally disabled. He runs like crazy, can just from tall buildings with a single bound (ok, not that really), but his motor skills are crazy. I would not want him to have that sort of advantage over another child.

Also, it does not matter to me in any way, shape or form, if my children are or were special needs, I would love them just the same. I didn't want to put all this on my FB page because I do have friends on there with developmentally delayed children and children who are physically and mentally delayed as well. This was a decision J and I had come to, with lots of thought, and with the utmost respect for the Special Olympics.

Christmas 2012

2012-01-16T23:27:00.000-06:00

So you may be wondering why I am putting up a post about this coming Christmas. I have a good explanation for that and it's..well...it's that I don't know!

J and I decided that since the kids are getting older and can now start forming memories and really getting into the spirit of Christmas, that we are going to start putting more than just the tree up. Also, they can help put up the decorations!

We love going to thrift stores. It's amazing all the things that people throw out that is cute or reminds J of things he had growing up. I like to get the boys their play clothes there as well. Also, the one thrift store here gives back to the community by helping pay rent or utility bills. So if you buy stuff or donate stuff to be sold, it goes back to the community and I like that. So we shop there often and it's the first place (besides holding back some clothes for friends) we donate to.

So we've found a few Christmas whatnot's there. Also, we went to Walmart and got 20 boxes of Christmas lights for 62 cents a piece. J wants to put them out on his pine trees and I want some on the porch next year. The boys will love helping out with that! Also, I'm a freak about cute name tags and Christmas bows being on every gift, so I got 100 gift tags and 45 bows for 75 cents each. Also, we got these wall clings that are ornaments and they are pretty big, so that will be cute and we also got a wooden mitten that has little wooden blocks that has you count down the days until Christmas.

We had so much more to put away this year, and we keep adding to it. What is wrong with us?!

Next Christmas should be interesting and a lot more colorful!

Blog Fodder

2012-01-16T00:58:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I really have nothing to say. Yes, I lead a boring life. Makes blog fodder harder to come by at times.

I'm starting to get all of my medical records together to apply for disability. At least give it a shot anyhow. My date of being last insured with disability was Dec. 2009. But, if I can prove that my surgery is a direct result of my injury in 2001, I may have a shot. It may take me a few years, but that's ok, I have nothing but time. I know it's probably not looked at in a positive light that I, only 33 years old, am trying to get disability. Like I'm trying to not work because I'm lazy, or I'm "screwing" the system, but I'm not. I cannot even walk around a grocery store without the end result of me being in a ton of pain after the end of the grocery run. My hips and back scream at me and at times, I get upset or angry with J and the kids because I'm in such pain and I just want it to be over already. Something I loved doing, is now gone. I loved going shopping with J, it's something we have enjoyed doing for a long time, even if it's just to go look. Now, it's stress and pain filled when I think about having to get up and down and in and out of the car. I'm clutching my back and trying to stay nice to other shoppers when all I want to do is yell, "Get the FRIG out of my way for the last time!!!". That's totally not me, and it sucks.

My left leg is not any better, even after taking medication to help calm the nerves down, it still feels like it's constantly asleep. It's still numb and tingly in places, mainly in my foot and toes and back of my calf muscle, and that makes it a little hard to walk at times. I'm not as quick as I used to be.

I don't want to go on disability, and it's taken me over two years now to settle on finally going for it. I had actually applied for a few jobs, but haven't heard back from any of them. I've come to realize that maybe it's a blessing that I didn't hear from any of them, that maybe my path is to try for disability.

I have a local attorney that someone recommended to J, so I'm going to be calling her when I get the majority of my paperwork together. The main paperwork I need is from the doctor in 2001, the doctor I saw immediately after my injury and saw for almost 2 years. I'm also getting paperwork from doctors in Ohio that treated me, and did MRI's and of course, the doctors down here.

It should be interesting, and we are probably in for a long ride, but that's ok. I'm up for a good challenge and I've heard that this lawyer is really good too. So, until then, we wait, and hope for the best!

Scaredy Cat

2012-01-12T04:53:00.000-06:00

I do not know what happened or how it happened, but it did.

I'm terrified of tornadoes. They cause me to have anxiety attacks hours before a major storm even hits our state. A bad storm, that is producing tornadoes over in Mississippi, can cause me distress like you can't even imagine.

I start checking the Weather Channel every 15 minutes, and then it stays on the Weather Channel or our local news channel the whole entire length of the storm. Providing it doesn't knock out power, in which case, I then proceed to have a total meltdown. I was diagnosed with having an Anxiety Disorder in 2005. I will, once in a great while, have a panic attack for no reason, and at one time I was taking Ativan for them, but haven't done so in a very very long time.

About a week or so ago, I tried watching a TV show about Extreme Weather, in which case, of course, a tornado was talked about. When they started showing video footage of a tornado, I cried. I'm not talking about just little tears in my eyes, I'm talking full on tears streaming down my face kind of crying. My chest felt tight and my voice wavered as I sent the kids to play in their playroom. I really really try to act like a bad storm is no big deal in front of my boys. I don't want them having the same sort of anxiety about them as I do. I've been known to call friends at 3 in the morning to help me get through it.

Again, I have no idea why I started to become scared or when. I've never actually been in or even seen, in person, a tornado. When we lived in Alabama, there were tornadoes every time it rained or stormed and that was a TON. But, I was afraid of them long before we moved to Alabama.

I think, that having children has made me even more afraid. Now I have these little lives that I have to protect and with something as serious as a tornado, I can't predict one and I feel out of control and scared for the boys. I was never this scared of them when I was childless.

I have no idea what to do about my fear of tornadoes. Freaking out, chest hurting, copious amounts of tears, and feeling out of control is not something I want to do every. single. time, but I am up against the wall and helpless to do anything more when it comes to this.

Anyone with any ideas on what to do?

Stereotype

2012-01-05T21:51:00.000-06:00

I don't often have to deal with this label. But, a couple of them stand out about me the most. One is me being a stay at home mom. First off, I'm not going to do the whole Stay at Home Mom versus the Working Mom debate. So onward we go. Lots of people think that it is an easy thing to do. After all, who couldn't sit there and watch soap operas all day and eat chocolate, right? Well, considering I haven't watched a soap opera in about 20 years and also do not want to get any fatter eating chocolate..I guess I don't fall in that statistic. I am busy almost all of the time. I do admit to a couple times taking a quick nap before getting up to do something else, but my sleeping problems play more into that factor than anything. I get up at 5:30 every morning and practically don't stop until 9 at night. Getting the kids ready for school, breakfast, cleaning up breakfast mess, dishes, laundry, mopping, dogs needing walked, grocery store, paying bills, running errands, going to the doctor myself or one of the kids needs to go, cooking dinner, helping the hubby get ready for work, and finally, getting ready for bed and tucking the kiddos in for the night. Some days I really wonder what I've gotten myself into. Not that I have a huge family, but they keep me busy. J helps a lot too. I'm glad I found a man who likes to cook and clean as well. I also admit to sometimes holding off on the laundry till the weekend so we can do it together. I like folding laundry with my husband and chit-chatting while doing so.

Another stereotype I sometimes get is Pill Head..or Pill Junkie or Pill Addict. Yes, I do take pain pills every day, 3 times a day. Lortab to be exact. I also take a muscle relaxer at night and Lyrica (a nerve medication for the nerves in my leg), 3 times a day as well. I hate the look I get when doctors ask me what medications I'm currently taking. I hate that they think I'm there only to get pain pills when I'm really there for a simple cough or sinus infection. I had to sign a contract with my current pain specialist,whom I see every two months, and in that contract states that I cannot have more than one pharmacy and I cannot ask for pain medication from any other doctor. As of right now, I have stuck to that contract. Once I have been given a script for pain medication that I did not ask for and I did not fill. I told my pain specialist doctor about it and showed him that I did not fill it. It was from the E.R. and was a month old, so he knows I didn't fill it because you only have a few days to fill those scripts from the E.R. I really think he was impressed that I was honest with him and he said it was fine, not a big deal. End of story and I didn't break my contract with him.

I know there are people out there who are addict to pain medication and do you know how hard it is on people like me who do use pain medication correctly? I hate how people automatically think I'll be addicted to them. I've been on the same medication for 6 months now, never needing to increase nor decrease anything. It's just a stigma that has been placed on everyone who has pain medication in their possession. You can tell how it affects not only the people who use it correctly, but in how doctors treat you if you are in pain. Some doctors are not willing to write any scripts for pain medication or write hardly any pills at all. There is such a huge epidemic of abuse that it cancels out the needs of those who really need pain control.

Just a short history on why I need pain control. I hurt my back in 2001, saw many doctors, saw lots of pain medication being thrown at me and no real help. I took all of those and did get quite addicted to the pain medication. I lost my job, slept all day and took more than I should. I didn't care to get out of bed, didn't care to shower and didn't care if I had clean clothes or food to eat. I'd literally roll over, pop a few pills and go back to sleep. Looking back now, it sucked so so so bad. I was a shell. I don't know what snapped, but I took the pain medication in my hand one day, talked to myself in my head, and flushed them down the toilet. Every last one of them. Yeah, it sucked coming off of them cold turkey. Detoxing from those sort of medications is really really bad. I would suggest getting help, not just doing it by yourself. I was on all of those medications for a year, and after I detoxed from those medications, I never went back to a doctor. I lived with the pain in my back until finally, in March of 2010, my back finally gave out. Literally. The buldging discs herniated onto my sciatic nerve, and the arthritis was too much to bear. In April 2010, I had back surgery. My L5 and S1 discs were removed, fused, bone grafted, and as much arthritis as possible scraped from my spine. Oh yeah, I also have a 4-5 inch titanium rod placed in there too.

I, more than likely, will be on some sort of pain medication the rest of my life. As I grow older, I will start having even more problems and possibly another back surgery. My L4 disc is bad as well. The doctor did not want to do all of that surgery at once, because doing the L4 disc will be a major disabling surgery. I will not be the same after it's done. He said that maybe the disc will hold and I won't have to worry about it until I'm 50 or so.

I'm hoping the disc holds.

So, before you spout off that someone is a pill addict, or form opinions based on the fact they take pain medcation, please think beforehand. They might really need them.

Now, I dare you to go to YouTube and watch a video on spinal fusion sugery with a rod placement. If it weren't for the pain and the fact I couldn't walk,or take care of my children and husband, the videos I watched on there almost made me chicken out.

Have fun!

Being Girly Girl-ish or Not So Much

2012-01-03T22:16:00.000-06:00

So, all women know there is a price to beauty. Shaving of the legs and arm pit hair and plucking or waxing this or that. Makeup just right and hair did with the current style of the day. But I can honestly say that I don't do those sorts of things.

I really didn't start wearing makeup until I was in my 20's because growing up, and even into my teen years, I was never allowed to. My hair was always kept short and not even clear nail polish was to adorn my fingernails. But, when I did start wearing makeup, I never did religiously. I wore it when I was shopping or going somewhere special. That's pretty much it.

The shaving of the legs. Yeah..I do that. In the summer time. I admit, I don't shave my legs nearly as much during the winter because, well...why?? I know, I'm not French and I'm not in France. I'm in the the good ole USA in the wonderful state of Georgia. But BAH I say! It's not going to kill me, and hopefully not stab my husband, if I don't shave for a couple of weeks...umm..months...is it?

I also admit to having "Mommy" hair. When I left my short hair behind in 1996, I decided I was going to have long hair always. So, pretty much after the moment S was born, my hair has gone into a pony tail and is rarely seen let down. My kids are older so there should be no excuse for me to not let it down. But, I just find it easier to do. When it is down, I pretty much fantasize about putting it back up. It's like a drug. I'm hooked on the "Mommy" hair. That's sad.

I still don't wear nail polish. My step mother scratched some barely there pink nail polish my mother lovingly put on off of every single one of my finger nails with the end of one of those metal nail files tucked in the fingernail clippers. Never really gotten over the feel of it being scratched off my nails and how it made me feel like a horrible person to even be wearing it. I tried some on one finger the other night, and immediately wiped it off before it could dry. I did not want to have to scrape it off. I do, during the summer, occasionally wear some color on my toenails.

So there you have it. I'm not very girly at all when it comes to all things beauty and fashion and style. But that's ok. I still have a husband who adores me and boys who occasionally think I hung the moon. That last part is mainly for when they are getting what they want from me.

Back To Normal

2011-12-26T19:57:00.000-06:00

Another Christmas has come and gone already. It's only the day after and we are in the process of taking everything down. It's funny how differently people can be raised. I am from Ohio and J is from Georgia and in Ohio, we were always taught to NEVER take down the Christmas tree before the New Year or it's bad luck. In Georgia, J was always taught to take it down before the clock reaches midnight on New Year's Eve or it's bad luck. So far, I don't think either of those traditions has worked. Ugh!

The boys' had a great Christmas. They were really into it this year and wanted to open all of their gifts at once instead of waiting to play with the gift they just opened before moving onto the next. They helped me clean up, and except for a few scuffles, Christmas morning was great.

But, it's back to normal and soon, the kids will be back in school. I got hurt back in November at a restaurant and they are finally paying my E.R. bill and Doctor bill.

I haven't been sleeping right again, and it's starting to stress me out. My shoulders and neck are sore and tense and I'm getting headaches sometimes. I'm going to start some Tylenol PM and see how that works again. I'm so tired of my sleeping problems. I have no reason to not sleep. My kids are great sleepers, my husband works 3rd, so I don't even have to share a bed. I have a big dog to let me know if something isn't right, so I'm not scared of anything. I will either fall asleep early and sleep for a few hours and then be up until early morning, then crash mid-morning for a nap. This isn't all that great right now, because the kids are out of school and I want to be awake for them and play with them. Not taking a power nap on the couch! It's getting old, pretty quickly. I think it's starting to stress me out because the older I get, the more I worry on things.

I have avoided caffeine today, so maybe tonight will be an easier night. Speaking on which, I think I'll start off my night by taking a hot shower and melting away these aches and pains. I just hope these recent aches and pains don't mean I'm coming down with some sort of sickness soon!

Tree

2011-12-23T00:02:00.000-06:00

I don't have a fancy camera. All I have is a little Sony Cybershot that we bought in 2005! But, it takes all the pictures I want it to anyhow! Here are a few of our decorations, including the tree. I don't really have a themed tree. It's more of a.."oh I like this decoration, let's get it for the tree" or "why do we have an ornament from 1975 and neither of us was born until 1977 and 1978 and it's not any of our parent's ornament" and "Oh my blob, the kids made more ornaments at school, I must find a place for it" type of person. J and I however, do get an ornament every year we are together. We are either going to have to get another small tree, or a bigger one because the ornaments are taking over. So, without further ado, here's our Christmassy stuff. Also, in my defense, I do not remember having nor putting out all of this Christmas stuff. It seriously looks like some elves vomited everywhere. Oh well, the boys love it!

Welcome. Yes. Do not point out that I need to wash my windows. Thanks.

Tons of junk on top of the t.v.

Christmas Town. Along with some Thomas the Tank engines. Don't ask.

What?? They were only windows that wasn't being used! I have a window cling problem.

Towels, in case you didn't know. I don't actually use them though.

Lit up Christmas Tree.

During the day Christmas tree. That black stuff is the flooring that my husband needs to finish. Hopefully soon!

My littlest man

2011-12-21T22:13:00.001-06:00

To say I worry about A's future would be putting it mildly. I worry about his lack of friends, how much he'll be picked on or if he will even make it through school without us having to pull him for home schooling. I'm not against home schooling, just would rather him be in public school where he could get his speech therapy and learn to have to behave in a group setting. Yes, I do use public schooling as a form of socialization for my children. I readily admit that. Where we live, there are no kids, there are only 2 cousins that we may see 3 times a year and we can't really afford outside sports just yet. So yes, there you have it, an honest answer.

If you didn't know, my son A, was born at 36 weeks, just a week shy of full term, a late gestation preemie, as they put it. He didn't need anywhere NEAR the help S did at his 25 week birth, though! I'm finding it odd that my little 25 weeker is in need of a TON less help now, than my almost full term kiddo. A needs speech therapy and glasses because he is farsighted and has muscle problems in his eyes the may require surgery. S needs only glasses for reading and computer work. Back to A now. He has something called Childhood Apraxia of Speech. You can click on that highlight area to check out what it is exactly. Hopefully, with a lot of time and a lot of speech therapy, he will one day, talk normally and you will never have known that he had difficulties with speech. That's my ultimate hope, anyhow. My dream, to be exact.

It pains me to see one of my children go through something like this. I know that in the end, the struggle and the hard work he puts into it will make him all the more better, but for now, I can't help but worry about him. All I have ever wanted for my children was for them to be "normal". To go to school, have some good friends, have a normal elementary, middle and high school years. Maybe throw some sports in there, or some other sort of club, maybe a girlfriend, you know, the "normal" stuff. Maybe I've been looking at things through rose colored glasses. Maybe I need to embrace and accept the fact that this is our "normal" for now, and just be happy and not so worried about things to come.

No one ever said being a parent is easy. As Elizabeth Stone once said, and I quote, "“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Santa..Revisited

2011-12-21T02:01:00.000-06:00

I've touched on the subject of Santa before, but this is a different kind of Santa post.

S is now in the first grade. I know that a lot of kids don't believe in Santa at this point, but geesh..I was almost 9 or 10 before I found out there wasn't a Santa! He's not even 7 yet! He's been dropping hints and asking questions. Some like "Is there really a Santa?" "Can I see him when he lands?" "How does his reindeer fly?". I hate hate hate that we are sort of "lying" to him, but I really want to see the wonder and magic in my kids' eyes and face when they tear open their gifts on Christmas Day.

I know he's asking all of this because of kids in school, and I don't want him labeled as a baby or anything like that. Also, if we tell him now, he'll go and tell A and mock A about it. S has a big mouth like his mother (heh heh), and will either tell A on accident or tell A on purpose.

I've heard people on the opposite end say that they will not tell their kids that there is a Santa. That it is lying to them and that they will be mad, hurt and upset when you do tell them the truth. So why start off with a lie?

Ok, people, I don't remember being upset or hurt or mad at my parents when they told me that Santa didn't exist. It's not like I'm holding some sort of grudge 20+ years later!

In closing, kids should be kids. There should always be wonder and excitement and magic in their little lives. All too soon, they will be adults and battling their way through this harsh world. So why, exactly, can't we give them a little magic while they are young?

Christmas

2011-12-18T23:56:00.000-06:00

I seriously think Christmas has thrown up in my house. I guess over the years we have accumulated lots of stuff and it only stands to reason that some of that stuff is Christmassy stuff. It is everywhere I look now. The strangest part is, is that I don't remember putting that much stuff out! I guess it just happened.

The boys made a lot of hand-made ornaments at school, which are very very cute. I love those sort of things! I know the "cool" thing to do anymore is have a themed tree, but we just don't. Ours is a hodgepodge of things. J and I get an ornament every year we are together, and he also has a lot of ornaments from when he was a kid, and some ornaments that his Dad and Mom had as well. My hope is that the ornaments we have now will also be passed down to our boys. I realize that not all of them will make it, but I hope the majority does.

Shopping is almost done, just some stocking stuffers, and candy. A few gifts for other family members and I have to shop for J. He is the hardest person to shop for! My mother will be getting the boys a couple things and then I can start wrapping. J has already done A's gift wrapping. I have to do S's and then J's and then I can say that we are done!

The boys are officially out of school until January 3rd. This should be fun! I'm hoping the new toys will distract them from getting on each other's nerves! I wanted snow again this year, but that is just not going to happen. Looks like all that is in the forecast for us is rain rain rain. Ick. It's a little hard to get into the holiday spirit with rain and mud all the time. Last year, we had a ton of snow and cold and it was wonderful! Now it will be rainy and in the upper 50's. I guess coming from Ohio and seeing snow all the time, and hating it, and then me moving south now has me missing it and wishing it would come and snow us in. J needs a few days off of work and we need some snuggle time on the couch watching a good movie!

I had a fall back in November at a restaurant. The bolts were missing from the bottom of the booth seat, and when I went to get out, it slid out with me and hit me in the back of the knees. I've now submitted all of my paperwork to their insurance office and am waiting for them to pay the Doctor and E.R. bill. Then I'll be happy!

I think it's time to end my rambling and either go to bed or go watch some Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel!

Friends..or Not?

2011-12-16T04:02:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of in a funk. I've been friends with this person a very long time. We used to talk every single day anywhere from 10 minutes to hours on end. Always cracking up on Facebook, always commenting or liking each others posts. But this past year, something has changed and I don't know what. She hasn't commented on ANYTHING of mine except my birthday this past October. We don't talk on the phone anymore and she doesn't like anything I put up. I don't expect to be the center of some one's world and I don't expect someone to comment on every single thing I put up, but damn, at least acknowledge something sometimes! Even when I comment on a post of her, she doesn't even acknowledge that I put something there, doesn't try to start a conversation about what I put. When others comment on the same thing, she engages in conversation with them, while I am just left off to the side or something. She doesn't comment when my kids have been sick, or new pictures of them, she didn't comment when my Dad was in the hospital a couple weeks ago, possibly facing open heart surgery..nothing..zip..zilch..nada. I comment on almost all of her posts and pictures of her kids, or at least hit that like button.

I'm trying to figure out a not so passive agressive way of finding out what the heck is up and what exactly happened and telling her if she doesn't want to be my friend anymore, then please hit that de-friend button and let's move on. I can't quite shake the feeling that there is something wrong. Everytime I post, or everytime I need some sort of support or "I hope everything will be ok" sort of thing, I always end up disappointed when she never says those sort of things I need to hear. I guess it wouldn't bother me as much if I, also, ignored her. But, I don't. I always try and be supportive or tell her that things will get better.

So I guess I don't know what I'm going to do. Leaving it like it is, can't be good, because I feel like crap when she doesn't respond to something that requires a best friend response. I feel like crap when she carries on a conversation with someone else while I'm sitting in the wing, waiting for her to acknowledge me like I'm some sort of street dog waiting for some attention. It's normally not like me to whine like this, and I normally do not get my feelings hurt so easily. Normally, I'd tell that person exactly how I felt, give them a chance to explain and then we'd either resolve our issues or we'd move on and I wouldn't think twice about it.

Why can't I do that now??

Guest Poster

2011-12-15T23:47:00.006-06:00

I have a guest poster that wanted to write a few things about cancer. I've known about 5 people, mostly family, that has died from cancer. Without further ado, please welcome David Haas. Thanks for taking the time to write out this article, David and wanting to post it on my blog! Clicking on his name will open another window, so go check him out! Also, click the highlighted words for valuable information on each one.

Exercise: A Drug-free Mood Enhancer

It’s not recent news that exercise is just good for you. Most people associate exercise with reducing the risk of heart attacks, strokes and diabetes. Less well-known is its ability to help prevent many types of cancer like breast, prostate, mesothelioma and colon cancer.

As a cancer patient or survivor, talking about prevention may seem like trying to go horseback riding after Dobbin has left the building. On the other hand, exercise improves your sense of well-being and makes your entire body work better. A good mental outlook may be one of the things your doctor recommends as a powerful tool in fighting your cancer.

Your body goes through the process of building tissue and then breaking it down again. Carbohydrates and fat provide the fuel. Adequate exercise helps you maintain the right balance between building bone and muscle tissue and using up excess fatty tissue.

That said, getting lots of physical exercise at least three times a week may help ward off all kinds of diseases and disorders. Unfortunately, less than half of us get enough.

Just what is “enough exercise” anyway? A lot of people may consider a five-minute walk around the block a couple of times a week and a Saturday shopping trip to be all the exercise they need or want. They would be wrong.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends moderately intense physical activity for 30 minutes five days a week or vigorous activity for 20 minutes three times a week. Nobody can walk back and forth to the refrigerator that many times in a week.

The bad news is exercise is a little bit of work. The good news is exercise is fun and can be incorporated into your daily activities.

Moderate exercise includes activities like walking around the neighborhood with a loved one, taking Fido out for a daily run, attending water aerobics or participating in a yoga class. Hiking qualifies. Using crutches qualifies. Hiking while using crutches is a little over the top.

Doing housework and performing maintenance and repair jobs around the house are good exercise, too. Using a minimum of labor saving tools and equipment boosts your body’s energy consumption and revs up your metabolism. You’ll feel more energetic the rest of the day and will have a nice clean house besides.

The Dumbs

2011-12-04T22:26:00.000-06:00

Here lately it seems as if my brain no longer functions. My lack of concentration and focus has become even bewildering to me. I was helping my hubby hold something, it wasn't even heavy, a piece of bed sheet or something, and I just looked at it and let go. He was all like "What in the world is wrong with you??" and all I did was say.."I have no idea" and decided to sit there and cackle and laugh at nothing.

Scary.

I've always been kinda spacey. I'll start one train of thought..and then something in that train of thought will make me think of something else and then I'll talk about that something else and then have to be reminded to go back to the original train of thought. I swear at times I think I have Adult ADHD.

As I am typing this, it is now Sunday night and I started the first part of this blog on Friday night. Yeah....anyhow...

I'm trying so hard to get my sleep back on track again. I've been having a long term bout of insomnia. A 6 year struggle to be exact. Sometimes, I can be ok and go to sleep at nice, normal hours and that will work for a month or so. Then? It's right back to where I started. I'm blaming all of this on S's NICU stay. I used to call the hospital every hour, day and night. And then he came home and we all know what sleep is like with a newborn. That's right. NON-EXISTENT! Add on top of that, he came home on oxygen and an apnea monitor that went off every chance it got. The doctors can tell from the readouts if it was a real apnea spell or a false one. Even so, the thing sounded like a fire alarm sitting right up against your ear. Not pleasant and not fun when you are cooking and just getting a hot pan out of the oven!

And after that paragraph I went on a picture hunt on Flickr for Pit Bull pictures. Damn, I hate when I can't focus.

Anywho...If things don't straighten up soon on the sleeping end, I'm going to have a sleep study done. I guess just to be on the safe side of things. Until then, I might try some kind of viatamin or just live with it. Either one works for me. I think.

My Boys

2011-11-29T22:03:00.000-06:00

My boys get on my nerves BIG time. They are mean to each other, always yelling and screaming and sooo hyper at times, I swear someone slipped them some drugs. But here's the other thing: If my boys are in school, or have jobs and help out a little, then they can stay at home as long as they want.

Am I the only one who doesn't think about rushing your kids out the door when they hit 18?? If they want to leave, then they are more than welcome. I want them to be happy and to live their lives, but I won't be like...NO WAY..if they want to stay at home a few more years.

I've been on my own since I was 18. I've roomed with a couple friends..and then I moved to Georgia, by myself, when I hit 21. I've never had the urge or the desire to move back in with my mother, or my father. I don't think I could handle living with other people now that I've been on my own for so long.

I know people are going to say what they want and maybe eventually, I will tell them to move out, but probably not. Girls are Daddy's little girls..and Boys are Momma's boys. There's no denying that even at this stage in their little lives!

Death

2011-11-23T02:36:00.000-06:00

I'm not naive. I know death can happen at any stage in life. I was only 5 or 6 weeks pregnant when our baby died. Newborns, children, teenagers, adults and elderly. Sick with any imaginable disease, or just from natural causes, it will and it does happen. Any time, any day.

My husband and his siblings lost their father at very young ages. 8 years later, they lost their mother as well. I've lost a few friends and my first husband and family members. I try not to dwell on the fact they are no longer on this earth, tangible to us.

The one person, who I loved dearly, died in 2007 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my Grandpa. Some days are better than others, and I don't always cry when I pass a farmer in his field. He was a produce farmer and a nursery owner. I don't cry every time I hear or see a train going by. He worked for the CAT railroad for many years. But sometimes, the tears do fall, when you least expect them to. I've been extra emotional the last couple of weeks. My Grandpa loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. There was always a fresh cut tree at my Grandparent's place when you walked in for Thanksgiving Dinner. My Brother's Girlfriend posted a video of a train doing a last run before retirement, and even long before you could see the train, you could hear it, and I knew I wouldn't be able to watch that video. But, I did for a little while longer, through very tear stained, blurry eyes.

Now I'm facing a new fear. My father. He's been ill for a long time. He has a laundry list of things wrong. Ranging from multiple heart attacks, to artery blockages and stints and not to mention his sometimes uncontrolled diabetes. Add to the fact that I am 600 miles away and can't be there to help, and it's all sorts of emotional turmoil for me. Hubby and I have tried to get him to move down where we are, so I am able to help him whenever he needs it, and he often says he's going to, but for the past 3 years, it's been a no-go. He's now found out, instead of the regular 2 main vessels going to his heart, he has 3 and the 3rd one is 80% blocked. And. It's in a difficult spot and so far, the news is that no stint can be put in. His doctor is calling around to see if anyone will put one in there, or will he have to have open heart surgery. I sit here and can't even come to grips on losing a parent. My parent. My Dad. It really blows my mind. Even though I know it can and does happen to everyone at some point in life. I just didn't really realize I was old enough to start losing my parents.

My Dad.

Thinking and Thoughts

2011-11-02T01:57:00.000-05:00

So, we've come to accept that A has problems talking. And by that, I mean he hardly talks and when he tries to, nothing but babbling comes out. So we now know that he has Apraxia of Speech. Bummah. Hopefully, with lots of speech therapy and time, he'll be able to talk a little more normally in say, 1-3 years. Yeah. So not fun. But, we'll keep plugging on, hoping for the best. Also, if things don't change with the way he behaves, we'll be testing him for Autism. I've always said no no no..he's not Autistic, but this year has maybe proven me wrong. Possibly. We will see. His teacher says he's a great kid and so sweet, but other times, his shoes go flying across the room, he screams and shouts and get pretty mad about the simplest of things. This could also be because he cannot communicate properly and is frustrated. I just wish I knew how he felt. I wish I knew what to say or do to magically make him talk and then everything would be ok. But I know know that's not how this works.

To be thrust into a world of Special Education classrooms (he's only in one for an hour) and IEP's and meetings and speech therapy, is, to put it mildly, frustrating, scary, confusing, sad and worrisome and hopeful.

So, for now, this is what's going on. This is life as we know it..the "norm". Both S and A continue to be ok health wise, they are still getting on each other's nerves and S is becoming a little more mouthy and loves to talk back to us. Very maddening. But, we will work through all of this and everyone will learn and be better for it.

October

2011-10-06T01:30:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't written in a while. Too many thoughts that jumble around and they all want out at the same time, and I just think that would look like one hot mess if I were to type it all out.

That being said...October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Go get them TaTa's looked at, go for your mammogram, support a friend going through the trials of having this cancer, and send in donations if you can! My Aunt died this May from Breast Cancer and I'm going to do what I can to make sure I stay healthy, in her memory!

Also, there is one day in October that is also near and dear to my heart. October 15th. That day is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I miscarried back in 2004, and it really is a devastating thing to go through, mentally, physically and emotionally. Please support the March Of Dimes, they really do a lot of good for a lot of women and the research they help fund is really amazing stuff!

Enjoyment

2011-08-10T03:05:00.000-05:00

I enjoyed parts of this summer with the boys. They are getting older and older and easier to take places. Our main hangout, Carter's Lake, is now becoming a quick memory. Lots of great moments and one or two bad ones, but so worth the packing up of the food and toys for each trip over there. Maybe in a few years, we'll be ready for a two or three day camping trip.

But, as much enjoyment as I got out of the boys, I am ready for summer to be over and school to be here. I can tell they are starting to get on each other's nerves and the bickering and fighting are at an all time high. I never thought I'd be ready to send my kids away from me. It makes me sound like a horrible mother at times. But, I know they both love school and they do pretty well there, so I know that is where they will be happy at and that makes me happy!

I do, however, worry about A and his lack of talking. How in the world will his teacher know when he needs to go to the bathroom or if he's sick? We get to meet his teacher on Friday and hopefully, I'll get to fill her in a little. He has an IEP, so I hope she has read it and helps him all she can. I worried about S too, and all for naught. He'll be riding a bus as well. I 'm going to have to tell the bus driver about his non-communication ways as well. His comprehension is through the roof, so he'll know when she says to sit down and stay put, she means it. He's pretty good at riding in the car with his seat belt on and in the right position, so I don't have any worries there. I still worry about my baby. My last child..off to school already.

On Thursday, we get to meet S's new teacher and go to his open house. I have no doubts he will do just fine. We also have to make sure that his bully is not in the same class. I can't believe my child had a bully in Kindy. I'm also glad I nipped it early. This bully was in his Pre-K class and lived right up the road from us so he rode S's bus and sat with him as well. Also, I hate this bully's mom. I really dislike saying that word, but she is a snotty snob to a "T" and has no reason to be. Two weeks into school last year, S starting talking about this boy and how he says nasty words and has taken his arm and twisted it and has physically hit him. S is the type of kid who likes everyone and didn't report it to the bus driver. As soon as he told me though, I was leaving a message at the bus garage and demanded someone call me the next day or I would ride up there myself. Turns out this bully is nothing but trouble for everyone. His parents, his teachers and his "friends". I found this out from our very chatty bus driver. The bus driver said she would take care of it pronto and told me that the bully was moving anyhow and would no longer be riding her bus. I think I did a jig when she told me that. But, she moved the bully anyhow and two weeks later, they moved. S liked riding the bus again, so that made me happy. I'll be looking at the class list very closely. I know I won't forever get to say who he can be in his class and he'll eventually need to stand up for himself, but for now..this is one thing I can and will do for him.

Also, I finally get to figure out what or if I want to do anything when they are back in school. For the first time in 6 years, I will get to hold a little bit of what my life was before kids in my hand and run with it. Should I go back to school (I would love to be an English teacher)? Should I get a job (thus creating less stress in our household at times)? Should I pick up a hobby or finish unfinished projects (like catching up their baby books)? Should I just enjoy it and stay a homemaker (take a quick nap with the hubby after they are on the bus)? After all, there is still stuff to do when they are in school.

So, all in all, we had a pretty good summer. I'm looking forward to them growing up a little more and us adventuring out more and more to places that interest them and that are fun as well!

Faith..Shaken..and Stirred.

2011-08-05T01:49:00.000-05:00

Where do you start a post such as this? What is Faith, really? Is it a feeling of having security and love or does it come from a more spiritual meaning? Meaning you have Faith in GOD or GOD is Faithful. I guess they both hover that fine line right above each other.

My late teenage years were good. I had been going to Church, praying, reading my bible and got baptized at 18. I never missed a Sunday (morning and night service) and I felt comfortable there and loved it. Did a few things with the Youth Group and that was fun. Then I got a job. Started missing bible studies and Sundays at church. It them became more about me being in my late teens, almost 20's and having fun with my friends. I don't ever remember hiding my religion from my friends. It was just never brought up a lot.

Then Family started noticing that I wasn't going to Church anymore. And their attitudes towards me changed. Then I moved to Georgia, so that didn't matter much anyhow. I could find any church down here that I was comfortable in. Had I truly lost my way. Had the Faith that I felt in Ohio suddenly gone now, and I couldn't, no didn't..know how to find it again?

Over the last 10 years my Faith has taken tumble after tumble. Tossed and burned. Shaken and Stirred. Deaths became abundant around me. My first husband, a miscarriage, my grandfather dying, my aunt who just died. Various other friends and family members. The list goes on really.

The biggest reason for me to have lost my faith...and lost my faith is what I believed in was my first born son, Samuel. Born at 25 weeks, leaning so far out on the brink of death, only to be pulled back in again and be spared. If GOD were a loving and good God, then why did this happen to me? I also lost a lot of faith in myself. As a wife, as a mother, as a human.

In the blink of an eye, a snap of the fingers, my Faith vanished. My Hope was squelched. How do you come back from that which you have lost so quickly?

I didn't think GOD was supposed to do that to you. Someone who kingdom is for the children.

People want to say they prayed over Samuel and I'm thankful. But it doesn't mean much to me, even now. I don't think I will ever be able to find the Faith I once had. No matter how many years has passed.

Don't get offended. I'm not questioning your GOD, directly. I'm just grasping at the straws, 6 years later, trying once again to find the Faith and Hope that once always accompanied my days. I'm sad that I will never know why this happened to us, but I'm equally and justifiably sad over the fact that I don't think I'll ever find it again. So where does that leave me....and why do I feel so....empty at times.

Best Reader

2011-07-13T00:05:00.001-05:00

I was talking in my previous post on how I had some good news about S and school. Turns out..he is the best reader they have seen in a while. Not to mention, he is really good at Math, as well. This all makes me super excited. For one, I love love love to read and remember that all I practically did as a kid and teenager. But, I also remember hating Math. General Math is the worst ever. I barely passed 9th grade General Math..I got a D for the year. But in 10th grade, I took Algebra 1 and passed that year with almost an A. WTF you say? Well, trust me..I'm still saying that years and years later.

So this coming school year something is going to happen that I thought would never happen, or thought we had a long time until it actually happened. Both of our boys will be in school all day long. Looking back, there are definate stages of Motherhood. Pregnancy, New Mommy, Mommy of Toddlers, Mommy of School Age Kids, Mommy of High Schoolers and Mommy of The College Bound Children (otherwise known as Empty Nest Syndrome). Each stage has it's ups and downs and brings you into new contact with other mothers going through this as well. I never noticed how many other Moms there were out there until my kids started going to school.

So, it looks like S will be ok, for now, in the school department. Now to just get A to start talking and hopefully, he'll be ok in school too. I have a feeling that S is going to be our little academic and A will be our little jock. I will just be happy if they both do their very best in school, though.

Even though we have had fun this summer, I'm ready for the kids to go back to school. That will be in about a month. I wonder if I'll cry over A going, since he is my baby...the last baby. Oh well if I do, I guess. I'll get over it and start loving some quite Mommy Time!

New Post! Yay!

2011-06-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe I haven't posted since May, over a month now. So much has happened that I just don't know where to even start. One major and sad thing that did happen was that my aunt died. She's been fighting breast cancer for 3+ years, it spread to her ovaries and in the end, it went to her brain. I always had lots of hope for her, she fought so hard, but when the brain cancer diagnosis came back, I just knew she didn't have much longer to live. She died on her birthday, at exactly 50 years old.

My aunt and I have had a rocky sort of relationship. Growing up, I knew she favored a few other cousins over my siblings and I. I really thought she didn't like me and I always stayed nervous and scared around her. I don't know why, she never physically hurt us..or even yelled at us. But when S was born..she really showed a completely different side. She was so supportive and loved to get S new things. She bought me a rocking chair when S finally came home from the hospital. On our last trip back to Ohio, she doted over my kids. Giving them candy, letting them get away with murder and keeping a smile on her face. I could really tell she had changed over the years and really enjoyed her life and family now. She didn't have a husband or kids of her own, but she loved everyone else's. Her death has been taken very hard by all my family. I don't think a day goes by without someone writing on her wall on Facebook. She will be greatly missed and that hole in the family, where she should be, will never ever be filled.

I never thought in a million years I'd be old enough to start losing close family members. I know everyone dies and no one is guaranteed tomorrow or the next on this earth, it's just a little surreal when your grandparents or uncles and aunts are dying and you are old enough to see it and know what's happening. You are old enough to feel that pain and sorrow and void in your family structure. You can see the faces of your family members as they grieve for the lost loved one. Sometimes, I dream of what it's like to be a kid again. The innocence of it all and your parents trying to shield you from some of the roughness of life.

But with death, comes life.....

My friend, Carrie, had a new baby! She is beautiful and is already bringing so much joy to her Mommy, Daddy and Big Brother! So welcome, Madison Grace! You are going to be so very loved! I hope I get to meet you soon!

So that's it for my new post. Maybe the reason I've been feeling so..wound up tight..is because I haven't been blogging. I guess I didn't realize how much I have missed it! I think my next post will be about S's Kindy graduation and some wonderful news I got after their ceremony! I couldn't be happier!

Where to begin

2011-05-03T01:58:00.003-05:00

Been a while since I've posted. Lots has gone on, to say the least.

About 3 weeks ago, my left foot started swelling, and hurting a lot. I ignored it for a week, and then decided to go the doctor and get it looked at. I thought he would say to keep it propped up and it will be ok. But then my leg started swelling with it and the doc and I got concerned. He sent me off for blood work and a xray and an ultrasound to rule out blood clots. Everything came back normal. But, since he couldn't figure out why it was doing this, he sent met to a Orthopaedic specialist. So now I'm waiting for an MRI appointment and word on what in the WORLD is going on with my foot. It's very very painful, is all I have to say. I wanted to do my MRI at this place that has an open MRI, because I'm very scared of tight places like, but have come to find out that they do not do MRI's of the leg and feet. Bummer. But,I found out that the place I will be going to won't have to put me in the tube, just my foot and leg..so I can live with that!

My sister in law will be having surgery this Thursday. She's 30 and it's her first ever surgery and she is nervous. I told her that it's ok to be nervous and scared, and that I've had TONS of surgeries and I still get nervous and scared. I'll be helping her out when I can in the next couple of weeks.

Josh is having problems with his shoulder, and we found out that he has a bone spur near his rotary cuff in his shoulder and when he goes to move it, it causes him pain. So the doc gave him a cortisone shot (which I about passed out and vomited from just being in the room while they did it and I didn't even watch!) If this doesn't help, he goes in for and MRI to see what's up and how it can be fixed.

S and A will be out of school for the summer in just 17 short days. I'm happy and stressed out about this because I can't always do these fun things with them if I'm in total pain with my foot. I'm going to try and make it fun for them though!

A is in speech therapy at Head Start and when that is done for the summer, he'll be going to the hospital 2 times a week. We are very happy about this, so he does not miss out on any help he needs during the summer, while waiting for school to start back up.

I'm going to have a first grader. S will be in first grade next school year! Seriously..that happened a lot quicker than I imagined it would. I just hope he does just as great in First Grade as he did in Kindy.

My Aunt is now on Hospice care. After fighting breast cancer, ovarian cancer, they found out last week that it has spread to her brain and she is now off chemo and is only doing radiation to help with any pain. This is extremely sad because she is one of those ones who didn't do anything to deserve this. She's not a smoker, a drinker, or a drug user. She's worked a great job and has taken care of my Grandmother for quite some time now. I'm sad for our whole family right now and don't really have much to say on the subject, I guess.

That's all I got for now. I should be asleep, but since my foot and leg hurt so much, it's very hard to sleep. My whole leg keeps wanting to cramp. Grr!

What's Goin' On

2011-04-19T01:50:00.003-05:00

I know that A is not mentally challenged. He's not "retarded" or "disabled" in the normal sense of the word, but for now, that's what he falls under. He's in a Special Education Class at Head Start. The speech therapist thinks he might have a condition known as Verbal Apraxia. It's where the mind doesn't connect with the mouth and makes the mouth muscles move to form words. How this happened, we do not know. A was never abused, never had any major falls or hits on the head, never been in any type of situation where damage to his brain might have occurred. He was a late gestation preemie, but never lacked oxygen at any time, never had to be vented or on O2 prongs.

To say I'm not sad would be a total lie. I never wanted either one of my children to struggle or suffer, and even though the word Special Education is thrown out there for A..it doesn't mean much really. It's kind of a catch all for this state and for any child that needs services of any type of therapy. But we might be looking at years of therapy for A. That makes me sad. I don't want him to be made fun of. I don't want him to think he's less of a child or stupid or doesn't deserve the same respect as others because of this title.

A is so smart. His comprehension is remarkable, he learns quickly and loves to please people and help others. The only thing wrong is that he cannot talk. I never thought we'd ever be in a situation where one of our children would be labeled as "special needs". I'm not trying to put other children down who have special needs, this is just me trying to accept the fact that A is going to need these services for a while.

I really don't know what to think. I feel that yes, he does need Speech Therapy, but I don't feel that he should be in a class with children who are severely mentally and physically disabled. How is he going to get challenged if others in his class can't mentally go where A goes? Of course, I can also do things at home, which I plan on implementing a lot of new things at the suggestions of the Speech Therapist. He's going to be going to just Speech Therapy at our local hospital this summer, and the rejoining the class at Head Start this August. I know we can adjust his IEP, but I just hope they understand our concerns. We don't want A slowed down because the kids in his class may be slower, mentally, than he is. That's pretty much the gist of it. I know it sounds like I'm being harsh to the other children, but I'm not. I just want what is best for my son. He may not be able to talk, but he can do a SLEW of other things, things that he is right on target for his age.

New topic. I cried last Friday night because I knew A would be going to Head Start that following Monday. J just told me it would be ok..don't cry..he's going to do wonderful. Well DUH, I know that! And a few of my friends like to think I'm silly and tend to tease me a little and some even say that he's all grown up, time for him to move on, quit having such a hold on him. But what I can't make them understand is that this is my last baby. When S started Pre-K and Kindergarten, I didn't cry because I still had A to come home to and take care of. My days still revolved around a little kid. But, now that A is going all week, 3 hours a day, I'm finding it hard to fill those 3 hours with something. So yeah..I did cry..and I'm not ashamed to feel that my house is now empty for more hours than it was before and I'm a little lost and heartbroken over it. But, for the record, when I was taking A to school, and J gave him a hug and said have fun, J walked away with a red face and tears in his eyes as well. Also, J sleeps during the day because he works 3rd shift and when he woke up, he admitted to me that he didn't sleep very well because he was nervous and worried about A.

So now, I have two sons that have me wondering what exactly happened to them. One's very early arrival that will never be known why he decided to arrive early, and one's speech problems and how they came to be. And what did I do to deserve this. Maybe I'll fill my days with my own kind of therapy.

4 words

2011-04-17T02:23:00.002-05:00

The current 4 words that describe me at the moment are:

Heartbroken
Scared
Worried
Hopeful

Yeah..that sums it up quite nicely. More on all this at a late date.

The Fear

2011-04-01T22:53:00.002-05:00

I have a confession. I am scared to death of storms. Bad weather, tornadoes, bad thunderstorms..whatever you want to call it, I'm afraid of it. I don't know when this began, although I'm guessing when we lived in Alabama. Alabama was extremely horrible with their bad thunderstorms and tornadoes. I was thrown into a panic attack multiple times a week because of them. I was diagnosed with panic attacks in 2005 during my pregnancy with S and I don't really take anything for it, but maybe I should during the Spring and Summer time.

Anyhow, when I know bad weather is coming, everyone around me hears about it. I'm either on Facebook or on the phone with a friend or family member telling them about the upcoming storm. I'm constantly checking The Weather Channel and I annoy J to the point he gets mad at me. I get made fun of for it all the time. The word people like to use for me when I'm in the throws of a panic attack is "Spaz".

Hopefully, I'll be able to overcome this fear, but it's been such a long time, that I really doubt it!!

Minor Rant

2011-03-29T01:32:00.012-05:00

A long time ago, I never wanted kids. Never thought about having any, scoffed at anyone who said I needed to have kids. I just really loathed the idea of having kids. I loved my nephews and other kids, but was glad they weren't mine to take home at the end of the day. I wanted to live that Child Free lifestyle! Obviously, things are different. So here's where I rant some. Please remember that this is my opinion and does not reflect on what other parents or mothers think. I really respect people who do not want children, it is their choice, and I do not see what the big deal is and why they get so much crap for being child free. But, I've stumbled across a few Child Free By Choice blogs and I'm a tad bit annoyed at all the myths concerning motherhood and why we become parents.

Myth #1-Parents have children so they can be constantly told "I love you Mommy/Daddy" and Mommy and Daddy always wanted a mini-me.

Answer: WTF?! Seriously?! I do not want a mini me..I did not have children because I want their constant adoration. I had children because my heart leaned that way. Because I wanted to care for another human being that was a part of me and my husband. I wanted to give that little person all the love, guidance and attention I possibly could. I wanted to be a part of raising a human, and send them off to the future being proud of what they have become, what I helped them become.

Myth #2-Kids are bad for marriage/relationships.

Answer: Really?? I mean, sure, it is a little more stress and your life does become a little more hectic, but, if you can't handle a little more chaos in your marriage, then you shouldn't be married in the first place. You learn how to deal with chaos as a couple and it makes you stronger and able to take on more in your relationship. Life alone, even without kids, is still hectic and crazy.

Myth #3-Your broke financially, with kids.

Answer: So, not having children, you never worry about the mortgage or rent? Never rant and rave over a phone or power bill? You don't save a little here and there to build up to get what you want? I don't think so. Unless you are rich, you will always worry over money and bills. I'm sure you have said, "I'm going to start saving for a down payment on that car". Guess what?? People with kids think and do the same thing! Shocker! Unless you have a child with special needs or is medically frail, the cost of having a child isn't really that much more. Sure, you learn how to spend your money more wisely, and tighten the purse strings a little more, but I even did that when I was single and without kids! There are things you can do to save money with kids, and things you do with your money when you are without kids. Not seeing much of a difference there.

Those are the top three that I remember most. Another thing that kind of irks me is the name calling on some of these blogs. How they tear down parents, especially mothers. It really almost boils down to cyber bullying. I hate how some bloggers call children "little brats" or "terrors", "monsters" and "whiners". Trust me, I hate when parents let their kids run all over restaurants, and I used to get embarrassed when my own child cried, but guess what?? They are kids..we are not in the 1940's where children are "seen and not heard". You were a kid once, and you probably had a few temper tantrums at the grocery store. I really think I would knock someone in the head if I overheard them complaining about "all the brats in this restaurant". How do you know my child is a brat? How do you know my child doesn't sit down nicely and on a few occasions has to be reminded to talk a little quieter? Why lump all children into the category of "Brat"? I'm sorry you wanted to come to a restaurant and have a quiet dinner, but there are others out there who come with their families and want to talk and laugh and have a good time, kids included.

I'd don't expect to be catered to because I have kids, but I do expect to be treated with respect, and my children not looked upon as if they are nasty little unkempt pests. Just like I would treat anyone without kids with the same respect, just like EVERYONE on this planet deserves.

Those Types Of Kids

2011-03-18T02:11:00.007-05:00

I have those types of kids. You know the kind. The kind that don't listen and embarrass you in the stores. The kind of kids that have other parents telling you to spank them, that they won't tell anyone (even if it was mentioned jokingly). The kind of kids that you can't stand to sit next to in a restaurant. I don't know what happened. They used to be so good, we could take them anywhere and get compliments on how wonderful they were. When other kids would be screaming and crying in the shopping carts, my two would be sitting there nice and quiet and never once had a temper tantrum about something they didn't get (they still do this..thank God.) My own gyno doc told A that if he didn't settle down, he was going to have to leave. Talk about embarrassing!!!

S lies all the time now and his back-talking and smart mouth continue to get him in trouble. I'm at a standstill on what to do with him. He's still mean and rough with A, but I know that's just brothers being brothers. A is mean to him all the time too, so it's just not S causing problems there. S also doesn't listen when told not to do something, acts like he doesn't hear you, and does stupid things he KNOWS he shouldn't do.

A is destructive and back talks (well, as much as his non-verbal self can back talk), he is mean to the dog and also doesn't listen to anything we tell him to do. He, also, does stupid things that he's too old to be doing. Like coloring on the bathroom sink and the door.

I hate taking them anywhere now. I hate that I have to put up play doh and crayons and markers and all the fun things that we should be doing. I hate that we can't do those things because it's a big production and doesn't yield a standing ovation at the end. I can no longer do crafts or have them color or do any artwork because they will not listen to anything you say. I used to be that mom that made holiday themed artwork with the kids, and made numbers and letters out of play doh so we could sing the ABC song. I loved when they glue things and colored. I hung things on the fridge all the time.

Now my fridge is bare and my nerves are shot, every day, all day long. I feel like a horrible mother, one who everyone is looking at because I can no longer control my children wherever we go. We've tried everything and I am truly at my wits end and looking into nerve pills to help me through this.

I don't want to have the kids that never get invited anywhere because they don't know how to behave. I don't want to be the parent always saying sorry for something my kid broke, kicked or hurt.

Where did I go wrong? Where do we go from here? What the hell am I going to do? I am at the end of my proverbial rope, the knot has already been tied and I am looking at falling flat on my face. And hard.

Tattoo 4 U!

2011-03-14T23:33:00.007-05:00

I've been waiting almost 14 years for another tattoo. I got my first tattoo right when I turned 18, back in 1997. I have never regretted it and even though it desperately needs recolored, I still like it.

A couple of weeks ago, J blessed me with my 2nd tattoo. He actually found it online, and we modified it a little and had the tattoo artist resize it a little smaller for me. The tattoo guy asked me if I was nervous and I told him no, I've had so many surgeries and been through so much pain in the past 3 years, that this was a drop in the bucket. He laughed and got started and 45 minutes later, told me to hop up and take a look. He actually had to tell me twice because I was zone out. I told him it felt like a massage to me and I almost fell asleep, and he laughed and told me that was the first time he's ever heard that from one of his customers. I'm not done with it yet, I have to get S & A's name around the top, and J and I's anniversary date along the bottom right side, trailing up. Some people question why I want to get our anniversary date on me. What happens if J and I divorce? Why would I want to keep that date on me forever? Here is my simple answer: Because that is the date that started it all, the date that started us as a potential family, and eventually lead us to have S & A. Besides, it's not like I'm having J's name put on me or anything ;o)

And of course, a picture for your viewing pleasure.

I'm not done with my tattoo fascination just yet. I want at least one more. The biggest one I'm going to encounter yet. It might be a few years off though, while I work up the courage to have it done. It will look something like this....
and it will have a home on my right foot, claws pointing towards my toes. I've always wanted this tattoo for some reason, my birth sign is a Scorpion, so that fits, but I don' tknow why I want it on my foot. I've heard it hurts a lot, I've heard it hurts no worse than any other tattoo. I guess in a few years, we'll see.

He's 4!

2011-03-06T23:22:00.002-06:00

A totally crazy thing happened on March 2nd. My baby, my last baby, turned 4 years old. My little 36 weeker..my 6lb 5oz baby turned 4. That is crazy.

Everyone keeps asking me how I feel. How am I supposed to feel? My son is here and is growing and getting older..is that not a testament to my mothering skills? I feel pretty awesome about that. He's going to Pre-K this summer, getting the help he needs in speech therapy, and is a happy kiddo. He's smart, independent, funny, loving, giggly and just plain wonderful. I really really could not ask for anything more.

So we didn't have an actual party for him, because we are planning one at another time, but J did make A a little cake to hold him over. He loved it.

Happy 4th Birthday, A!!

White Christmas

2011-02-21T21:59:00.008-06:00

So I am back-tracking a little bit. In our area of North Georgia, we saw our first White Christmas in 25 or so years. I say "we" like I've lived here that long or something. But I've been here 12 years, minus a few years for when we lived in Ohio and Alabama.

So anyhow...The Christmas snow was great! It fell very fast and it was great for making snowmen and snowballs and the boys had a great time. So after opening presents, and J making a quick trip up the road to rescue his sister and her boyfriend (J has a 4 wheel drive car and they decided to pull over before they got in an accident), we all went out in the snow. It was seriously like we were all kids again. I haven't played in the snow in such a long time! We tried to sled, and since we didn't really have a proper sled, we made a few redneck versions of a couple. You know, cardboard box, plastic lid, and finally a float that you are supposed to use for swimming. Yeah, well, none of those worked well at all. All the adults who tried look like fish out of water. Flopping and kicking and flailing around just to try to get down a little bit of the hill. Even S and A's weight was too much and those two weigh hardly anything! I think we might invest in a proper sled next year if we get as much snow as we did this year.

Ok, so you know there are going to be pictures, because I'm a freak like that. So, here you go!

Another Year of Oldness

2011-02-20T23:47:00.005-06:00

Another year is coming fast upon us. A will be 4 in just 9 days. He will soon start speech therapy and Pre-K at the end of summer. S will soon be 6 and starting 1st grade at the end of summer. Time really does fly by. I am going to do a post about both boys around their birthdays. I cannot believe I have children as old as I do. What makes me feel even older? Is watching my friends still having babies and watching their kids grow up as well. Very very surreal.

I have to go to the eye doc here soon. I've been having headaches almost every day. It's either my sinus' still hurt from the massive infection I had, or my eye sight is starting to fail me. I'm thinking the last one. I haven't had my eyes checked in forever..as in around 15 years. Even then, I needed glasses to read and work on the computer. I just..haven't done that for a very long time.

J got me a few Dean Koontz books that I have read, but haven't in a long long time and a couple that I haven't read. He got them at a thrift store for 50 cents each and I was looking forward to reading "The Bad Place", but when I sat down to open the book, there sat very small print. Darn it! I guess that book will have to wait until after the eye doc appointment! So I started reading "Night Chills" instead.

Don't they say the first thing to go is the eyes..or is it the mind? Either one, I'm starting to come to the peak of the "Over the hill" hill and going down the other side might not be as much fun.

That's pretty much it from here.. I think I hear my bed calling..uh oh..there goes my mind slipping again...........

Pretty

2011-02-18T00:17:00.003-06:00

We had a beautiful sunrise not too long ago. It was pink and purple and yellow and it was so pretty, we couldn't help but get pictures of it. I know it's kind of cheesy to get pictures of the sunset/sunrise, you see pictures all the time, but this was nice because of all the snow and cold and grey skies that we've dealt with this winter. It was nice to see something different for a change!

Meet Ace

2011-02-17T00:33:00.010-06:00

I'd like you to meet Ace. He is our adorable Pit Bull/Rottweiler mix puppy. Currently, he is almost 3 months old, and we got him when he was 7 weeks old. So far, besides a few nips to the kids and us, he is the best dog. The decision to own a Pit Bull did not come lightly. I did research, I looked into the breed history, their health and temperament. I found out a few shocking details and I can assure you that it's nothing as to what the media wants to portray of their breed. Pits are truly very misunderstood. Did you know that Pits are a FAMILY dog and wants to please their owners? That they are loving and protective and need to be around their family? They thrive on attention and love and give love back 3 times over.

I come from the mind set that all dogs are a product of their environment and how they are raised and trained. That definitely holds true to this breed.

Ace is stubborn about potty training, he'll pee on the floor 5 seconds after coming back in for a walk and play time outside. But, I think, he is finally getting it. We were gone for a few hours today for a doctor's appointment, and he did not go in the house. I was proud of him. He has also learned sit very quickly. He must sit and wait until I put his food on the floor to eat, he sits for treats and just in general when I want him to sit. He loves ice cubes and squeaky toys. The high pitched and squeakier the better. He is an awesome dog and he is a great addition to our family. Our boys love him, our older dog is tolerating him and he snuggles with our cat.

So I do support any group

that sheds the REAL truth on Pit Bulls, and I love the saying "Ban the deed, NOT the breed".

So here are some pics of him when he was little, around 7 weeks and some recent ones. Enjoy the cuteness that is Ace!

Anger

2011-02-13T23:05:00.003-06:00

I was on the receiving end of a very very VERY rare fit from S today. J needed to go to urgent care for his foot, he was having his first bout of gout in almost 2 years and couldn't ease the pain. J is a tough guy and rarely complains about pain, so I knew he was hurting when he offers to go to the doc without me pleading. Anyhow...the kids were just not listening today. Instead of sitting with J in the office, I had to end up taking them out to the car to sit and wait. Then I tried to go back in with them, and A was being a total brat and S was being good, so I took just A back out to the car. About 15 minutes later, J walks out with S and tells me he will just not listen and will not settle down, and he can't handle going after him and so S joined us in the car.

Engage tantrum from an almost 6 year old. He didn't even throw temper tantrums as a toddler, so what the hell?! He was very dramatic. Chest heaving, deep breathing, crying, snot dripping from his nose and had a red face. It was very..umm..well..drama queen-ish. He ranted and rave and cried and said he missed his Daddy and that Daddy promised he would come back (no idea where he got that idea from, I'm thinking maybe a kid at school who's parent's are divorced and their Daddy didn't show up as promised). Then he did what S does best when he's been crying a lot...

He vomited. It's behavioral vomiting and he does it every time he gets upset or crying after he gets hurt/injured. It's lovely (not) and I was hoping he would grow out of it by now. No such luck.

He cried and heaved his chest for 20+ minutes. He got his favorite TV channel, Animal Planet,taken away until Tuesday. That threw him into even more dramatics and he exclaimed "I can't believe this is happening to me". Seriously, I wanted to laugh, but he already scraped the last exposed nerve and about the same time he did that, J walked out and then S told him how he missed him and continued to cry while J told him to calm down. 10 minutes after that, he passed out asleep for the remainder of the trip.

I didn't even mention the worst part. He was in the back seat saying how he wished I would die. I know this is just kid talk, and kids do get facinated with death from time to time, but it still stung a little to hear that. He also went into details of how I was going to die. It just really sucked and I tried to remind myself that he was angry, not getting his way and lashing out. He was talking to himself in the back seat, so I acted like I didn't hear him and I didn't comment on what he was saying.

It's hard to say that it didn't bother me, because the fact is..that it did. From the moment he was born, I had to fight to reform the bond that was broken between us because of S's early birth. When I finally did get that bond back, I was a fierce mother. I fought for him, I cried for him, I made sure he came first in every way possible. I wanted him to always smile and never cry and always know that he was loved and would always be taken care of. I fought to make sure he reached his milestones, I worked with him in achieving those little goals. I stayed by his NICU bed for hours upon hours, then again when he was home and growing up. I always encouraged him to explore his world and helped him do so. I always sang to him and danced with him. I've been a stay at home mom since 2004 and in doing so, made sure my children always knew I was there for them. S was a total momma's boy.

So it stings, but I know it was said and now it's over. So moving on....

Wonder what kind of drama tomorrow will bring!

So...Yeah

2011-02-11T23:55:00.002-06:00

Been a while! It's so nice to have a working computer again. So much has gone on these past few months. Since there is so much, I'll just touch on the little things.

1. I had a hysterectomy in November. Boy, do I feel better!

2. S and A both have glasses now. A's vision is much worse than S's, so that's interesting given S's history of eye surgery.

3. A is going into speech therapy. He just doesn't want to talk much. He can say some words and he's doing everything age appropriate, so I hope this works for him.

4. My van died and J got me another car. I loves it.

So, that's about it. From now on, the past is the past and the future is tomorrow, today is a gift and that's why it's called the present.

Moving forward....It's good to be back.

Grand Re-Opening

2010-11-05T09:44:00.003-05:00

I've been offline for a while. But starting next week, I'll be back and ready to go! So much to catch up on and so much has gone on! Can't wait! :o)

Stupid

2010-06-01T01:01:00.002-05:00

Am I stupid? Or naive? More than likely and possibly.

Let me explain.

I have PCOS. No, Google it, I'm not going into details here.

I do realize there are things that I need to do to keep this problem under control. I've known since October 2009 that I have PCOS. I have maybe 1-3 visits from that old hag, Aunt Flow, a year. PCOS can cause a lot of problems.

-bad acne
-weight gain
-hard to lose weight
-insulin problems
-hair growth in unwanted places

There is really a laundry list of things, but that gives you the gist of it. I have the insulin problems and it can lead to diabetes. I don't seem to have the problem of losing weight. I did manage to lose 10lbs after my back surgery and so far, have kept it off. I also lost a ton of weight when I had my gallbladder problem in 2008-2009 and have kept it off as well. Also, PCOS can cause heart disease if not properly maintained and in check.

See..I'm not stupid, but I'm acting it. I KNOW what I'm supposed to be doing. For one, getting my fat arse up to walk and get in some exercise would help. I did join Curves in February, did one visit, but since my back surgery, I am not allowed to go workout there..yet. If I can't do it this year, I will join next year. It really is a lot of fun! Anyhow...I also need to take my medication, the Metformin and I need to take birth control pills. I have no excuse for not taking the Metformin, but I have known since 2004 that I cannot take birth control pills. It causes lots of problems in me that I do not like. Even switching brands doesn't work, and doing different doses and all that junk doesn't work. So..that's my excuse for not taking birth control. I also need to watch what I eat, my carb intake and start making heart healthier foods and snacks. It would just benefit all of us.

You would think that I wouldn't be such a hypocrite. I jumped all over my late husband to stop smoking and drinking and eat better and take care of himself so he would be here for his son and me and his family. He had a triple bypass and that's why I told him all those things. But he didn't listen to me and he died in 2003.

I have a GREAT friend who has PCOS (Hi Carrie!) and she is a very big help to me when I have questions. But do I listen to her. Well, yes..I hear what she's saying and I DO listen, but do I act on it? No. Do I know better? Yes. Am I in denial of having this disease? Yes and no. I used to be, but now I'm not.

You would think that being here for MY kids and husband would be a high priority and they would be a good reason to start taking care of myself. It is! I don't ever want my kids to go a day without me telling them I love them. I don't even want my husband to lay in an empty bed, holding onto a pillow that should be me there instead.

I need to get my arse in order. I need to make a promise to myself and my loved ones that I'm going to do this so you can see my healthy face for years and years to come.

But, for all this to happen, I must get my docs approval. I'm still healing from back surgery and he still doesn't want me doing housework (like sweeping or standing in one place too long, like for dishes or mopping) and I'm also still not allowed to bend, twist or lift anything.

So in the coming months, I'll get to maybe start putting a plan into action and getting myself a little healthier. One step at a time kinda thing, I guess!

Great Times!

2010-05-29T22:46:00.002-05:00

Tonight was lots of fun for us! I hardly ever get out of the house, seeing as I have two kids and nowhere to go really, but even just going over to my sister in laws house tonight was great!

We grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and had mac and cheese and cole slaw and of course all the fixing for the hot dogs and hamburgers. Steph and I laughed a lot tonight and my soul feels better. I guess her sharing her Smirnoff Cranberry and Lime drinks helped a little too! I hardly ever drink, maybe twice a year and only when J is with me. He was my DD. I normally let him drink when we do, but he let me and I am thankful for that! After the 2nd one, I actually enjoyed watching my kids run around like wild animals and destroy and maim things and get all dirty. I don't mind if they do, but when they are in the house acting like wild animals it tends to grate on my nerves a little. I am so very very glad we went over to her place!

We didn't get home until 10:30pm or so, and even though it's only a 3 minute car ride from her place to ours, S was asking if we were there yet and can he go to bed! A was even worn out, and they went to bed without any protesting. I'm glad my little men had fun! They should sleep very well and hard tonight!

All that is missing now, is a nice hot shower and bedtime! I have no doubts that I'll sleep very well too!

I'm also thinking of all our Military Men out there fighting for us right now! I have a lot of family members who are and were in the Military and I am very very thankful for them! So for all our Military Men out there; past, present and future..THANK YOU FOR THE JOB YOU DO!!

First Loves

2010-05-28T21:20:00.005-05:00

This post is inspired by a friend who just wrote about her First Love. It was a great post too, felt like you were right there with her!

I remember my first love, well, I was only 12 or 13, so I guess it would considered more "puppy love" than anything.

I so stole the cradle on this one, he was a year or so younger than me, but man, I got that nervous, butterflies in my stomach feeling whenever he came around. He lived across from my Aunt, and my brother and I practically lived at my Aunt's during summer vacation. After a few weeks, he finally asked my brother to go ask me if I wanted to do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I said yes pretty much immediately.

He was a great boyfriend. My Aunt liked him, so him coming over all the time didn't bother her and he always brought me a gift. He would make stuff, or paint something or pick flowers for me. I loved it. But then, school started back up and we went to different schools. I never really remember officially "breaking up", but I always thought we did because I never saw him.

Then, I got transferred to the same school as him...and even when he tried to talk to me, I practically ignored him! I'd say hi and hang out a little at recess and I still got the butterflies in my stomach feeling so I had no idea what was running through my young mind. Then I moved up to Jr. High the next year, and didn't see him anymore. A year passed, and he moved up to the same Jr. High as me, and this time, I ignored him completely. Butterflies and all. I suppressed those butterflies and acted like I didn't know, or see him! I feel horrible for that. I have no reason or excuse as to why I did that when I liked him A LOT. I changed schools the next year and never saw or heard from him again. His family moved away to another city, and even my Aunt never heard from him again.

Fast forward to 2006. J and I took S to see my grandparents. Out of the blue she says, Oh..you have to see this article! I read it, and my heart dropped, and I felt a wave of emotions all at once. I can't even begin to explain what I was feeling.

There was a picture of my first love, in the local paper. He was accused of murdering his ex-boss and wife. The state had a motive, and DNA, the evidence (all the money he stole from them and personal belongings) and a witness. His girlfriend turned state's witness on him for a lesser charge. She got 15 years to life in prison instead of letting it go to a jury and probably getting the death sentence. She also helped murder the couple too. After she testified, he decided he was going to plead guilty and got 2 life terms in prison without the possibility of parole. He, also, was facing the death penalty.

I dug more into the case, and in one report, they said how many times he stabbed the man and wife. I can't remember the exact number for the man, I think it was around 50 time that he stabbed him. The wife, however, I remember the number of times he stabbed her. 83. He stabbed that poor woman 83 times. W.T.F.?!!

I remember staring at his picture. I especially stared at his eyes, because he didn't look the same, physically. He was 28, he was balding and he was scrawny. Probably from the street drugs they said he and his girlfriend were hooked on. But, his eyes..those were the same eyes that I remembered. They seemed so innocent in that picture. No way he did this, I thought. But then I remembered that it had been a very very long time, and a lot had changed. I felt sad for the couple who's lives ended early, I felt bad for his family, I even felt sorry for him. He was such a wonderful boy and I couldn't believe he ended up like that.

I had wondered that if I wouldn't have ignored him, or maybe stayed his girlfriend for a while longer, if he would have turned out different. Of course, I don't blame myself, that would be stupid.

But I just couldn't believe it. I had to, as it was right there, in black and white. Then later, I looked up his name and found out his sentence.

I guess you just never know about people. So, there won't be a reunion of sorts, no finding one or the other on Facebook, or Myspace.

Even today, I still wonder what made him "go bad".

I admit

2010-05-27T21:06:00.003-05:00

I admit:

That I do not want to start potty training A. He's so darn stubborn and my patience is thin these days.

That although I want another dog, I just don't want the hassle of taking care of 3 animals, even if one is outside all day.

That S and A are getting on my nerves. I can't wait for it to get a tad bit warmer so I can take them swimming.

That my dear husband needs to get outside to mow the grass. Ticks are bad this year and the kids aren't going outside unless this is done. Which doesn't bode well for my nerves.

That I can't wait to get something in the mail (hopefully tomorrow) and start S on his writing problems.

That I need to get to the library and print off some letter writing help sheets.

That I am proud of S being able to spell his name out loud, but it irritates me that he can't do it on paper. I really don't want my kids to have problems in school.

That I am dumb and didn't do very well in school. I hope the boys take on J's side and they do well.

That I don't want my kids to go into a rough sport. Mainly, football. I was watching a local channel and saw the High School kids playing and can I just say..OMG..there are some HUGE kids out there.

That me, the scardy cat of storms, is really hoping for some Thunderstorms. I don't mind the Thunderstorms, as long as they aren't severe enough to form tornadoes. I like falling asleep to the rain and rumble of thunder.

That I wanted to get a little garden started, and I wanted to redo my hanging baskets and my flower bed. But, because of my back surgery, I'm not able to do anything like that and my flower bed and baskets looks TERRIBLE.

That I think I'm now done rambling, and I'm off to watch some mindless TV before bed. I'm trying to get into bed before Midnight!

Ambien induced post...way past fun!

2010-05-24T00:15:00.005-05:00

I contacted my late husband's niece on FaceBook a few short day ago. I plan on sending some stuff up for them to look over and have forever. Tim rarely sent pictures up there and I found a few and I'm also sending them the Funeral Book from his funeral. These things are better up there with his family, now down here with my family. I will always remember Tim and he did have a hand in making me who I am today, but it's his family that is missing him the most and could use some pictures to see him smile and to help heal their hearts.

Onto other stuff. S graduated Pre-K and it was oh so cute! They did a couple songs and then they got their little certificates and went outside to play. It was finally time to go home, and the teachers cried over every student that was leaving. His one teacher told me to make sure that I brought him back to say Hi every once in a while and I agreed to.

This summer is going to be busy for me. I'm going to try to get A off the sippy cup and potty trained and S needs help in holding a penicl right, so we will work on that and learning how to spell his name. Should be interesting!

Here is the little certificate he got, passing him onto Kindergarten,not that you really need it, but it's cute to have! I was so proud of him, I hope he does well in school!

Not Going Private

2010-05-23T00:45:00.003-05:00

So I've decided to not go private with this blog. It is mine and I can feel however I want to about whomever I want to. Good or bad. It's not a serious blog, just me rambling on about life and my kids, so I have nothing to hide. Even if I did have something to hide, I wouldn't because, dammit, I have an opinion too, and if you don't like it..then DO NOT read here.

It really is that simple.

Hee Hee

2010-05-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

Cowards make me laugh. Excellent. :o)

You're so vain..

2010-05-20T01:32:00.006-05:00

If you are expecting to get on my blog and see stuff written about you. Please go read somewhere else. I assure you and your narcissistic personality (which by the way, I looked up the symptoms of having a narcissistic personality, and you FIT ALL 10 symptoms completely! Not shocked about that, though)will be more than crushed to learn that this will be the last time you are mentioned on this blog. I assure you. The pansy little email you sent me? Doesn't even deserve a reply back. All I saw in that was a bunch of whining and that really gets on my nerves. Sounded something a 6 year old would write. "It's all about me me me..and you did this..and you did that.." It's enough to make me want to poke out my eyes and leave bloody holes in their wake. I'm sure your legions of friends will swamp over here, and defend you and then proceed to return to FaceBook to jibber jabber aimlessly about the injustice of it all. Call me every name under the book. But if I could, please, request to be called one name, please let it be Bitch. I love that name and covet that title. I can't help thinking that one conversation lead between two friends who CARED, has now become a horse and pony show and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS KNOW. You complain that I only know one side of it. I'm betting that the scores of friends you have told only know one side of it as well.

Would you like to be the Pot..or the Kettle?

To blame someone on how your life turned out is nothing but pure bullshit. I had a horrible childhood. I was abused. Mentally, physically and emotionally for 16 years. When I moved out of that hell, I made a promise to myself that my life is what I was going to make it and no one else had any say over it. No one should listen to the opinions of others and take it to heart, lest to life either!! That's why it's called an opinion for Christ's sake! It gives you something to think about, not to store in your soul, let it beat you down, tear you up, make you think you are no good. That's why EVERYONE has an opinion.

I think you just needed something to talk about. Someone to blame. For what, I have no idea.

If you think, for one second, that what we said wasn't out of friendship, love and worry, then you are more deluded than I thought. Also..I understand your husband was upset..and of course wanted to defend, but using curse words really shows a lot of immaturity. I would be down right embarassed if my husband EVER EVER EVER used those words at my friend or even a friend who was about to take the status of "former friend".

/End Rant.

Private

2010-05-17T22:32:00.002-05:00

I'm deciding on if I'm going to make this blog private. If I can successfully block some people, then I probably won't. But just in case, if you read here regularly, don't be shy, shoot me an email (ribbiee@hotmail.com) and I'll add you to the list so you can continue to read here. I'll throw up a post in the next few days, if and when I decide to go private. Thanks!

Writing help

2010-05-16T21:24:00.003-05:00

Since S needs help in writing, I started looking online to see if there was anything to help him learn how to hold a pencil right. He can hold a pencil right with help, but when he doesn't have help, he holds it in his fist, or holds it too loosely.

I found this:

They are called "The Writing Claw" and I cannot wait to use them and help him start writing and holding a pencil right before Kindy! S is a lefty, and they are sometimes more challenging to teach how to hold a pencil. But I'm very very optimistic about these little things! They have good reviews from Physical Therapists and is good for any age group, including adults.

Here is the website to read more about them: http://www.thewritingpenstore.com/TheWritingCLAWpencilandpengrip.aspx?gclid=CKyporCU2KECFRSfnAodh1zQJw

I hope whoever wonders by this blog, needing writing help, can use this info! Good luck!

Release

2010-05-16T11:43:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is another doc's appointment. I hope he releases me to drive. Not that I have anywhere to drive to, but not being allowed to drive this past month has made me stir crazy. I wonder if I'll remember how? :o) Kidding on that one! The right side of my lower back has decided to start hurting. I hope it's just muscular and it will go away soon. I'm also hoping that the doc will give me a few Ambien to help me start sleeping right again. Not that it matters, really. School is almost over and I won't need to get up at 6 a.m. anymore! But, I bet I would feel better if I could sleep like a normal person. Come to think of it, though, I have never really slept like a normal person. I've always had problems with insomnia. I'm exhausted right and could probably take a good nap. J however, is asleep and I do not want to wake him just yet.

S's Pre-K Graduation is this coming Thursday. I cannot wait! I hope I don't turn all girly girl and start crying! We had our last parent-teacher conference last Friday, and S is doing OK. He needs some work in some area's, but I'm hoping he gets a nice Kindy teacher and he catches on quick. His main problem is that S is left handed, and he doesn't want to hold onto a pencil the way you should. I always knew he would be left handed. He used his left hand for everything when he was a baby.

Hmmm..I'm really tired. Maybe I will wake hubby just so I can nap!

Scorpions-Revisited

2010-05-13T13:58:00.003-05:00

I posted a long time ago about coming into contact with a couple scorpions in my bed. We lived with my sister in law at the time.

You really have to watch yourself around the Spring and early Winter. That's when you are more likely to see one. Also, I've learned that you can't have piles of things just sitting around, they like that kind of stuff. We've been doing some remodeling on our place, so we have some stuff like left over flooring, and drywall on our porch. So I knew where this little guy came from. Guess we'll definitely be cleaning off the back and front porch this weekend!

It let me take a few pictures of it, then as I turned around to put my camera down and looked back, it was gone! Commence the freaking out stage. I'm OK if I can see them, and then dispose of them, but when one gets away, those fast little things can be ANYWHERE.

I was going to be nice and do the catch and release thing, that's what I normally do, but since it had gotten away from me and got under the couch, it became clear that I just had to kill it. So, I dropped a book on it and flushed it down to a watery grave. Sorry PETA..or PETB (people for the ethical treatment of bugs, not that there really is such a group...umm..I think?)

People are really surprised we have scorpions here. I was surprised at first, and my first encounter with one really sucked and I screamed like a little school-girl, but have pretty much gotten over the shock of seeing one in the house. It startles me at first, as any bug would do, but the freaked out factor of seeing one and doing something about it has passed.

I tend to fall in the habit of shaking out shoes and the beds and blankets before bedtime. It's not a sure thing though. They do crawl and you can still get stung. But their sting is about the same as a bee's sting, and not lethal at all, well, unless you are allergic or something. So..here's a picture of what was slap dab in the middle of my living room floor this morning. Pretty little thing, isn't it?

Realization- It hits

2010-05-10T02:16:00.003-05:00

I'm old. I'll be 32 this October and I can't believe how old I feel and how old I am. I find it scary that I'm clicking to the older stations on the radio. You know..the 70's and 80's stuff. What's even scarier? I know all the words to almost every song they play.

Time to start the plans for the time machine.

Just because...

2010-05-08T02:58:00.004-05:00

I'm in a lousy mood tonight. After reading a few things that got my blood boiling, I just have to say this. It will probably never be read by the person I'm writing this to, but I hope to feel better after I spew some hate out of my soul.

YOU WILL have to go before GOD* and tell him exactly what you have done. You are nothing but a christian of convenience. Your past will catch up to you one day, and you will regret every single thing you did to your family. Lies are spread easily by the Liars. The lies you have told has trickled down to the most innocent, the ones that don't deserve it. You know I'm talking about the children. Children are GOD's masterpiece and creation, and HE doesn't take lightly to those who harm them, physically and emotionally. Also? Karma has already kicked you in the ass a few times, but I'm waiting for the ultimate. I really want a front row view for that. Oh..and could you come closer to this microwave..I'd like to show you something..............

*For the record..I'm not a churchy/religious person, I do believe there is a GOD but I don't believe he's the only thing out there working on miracles and good and bad things that happen. Don't bother bashing me, I'll just delete it.

10 years

2010-05-03T23:14:00.004-05:00

It was 10 years ago that I hurt my back while working for a grocery store. I won't say which store, but it begins with a K and ends in roger. Workers' comp. was filed, I did get a lawyer, but in the end, the lawyer sucked, workers' comp. called and told me my time was up and I lived with the buldging discs.

Off and on, throughout those 10 years, I saw a doctor if it flared up and I really couldn't handle the pain, and when I didn't see a doctor, I lived on Tylenol to get me through the rough days and nights. I continued to work, no matter what, up until 2004 and that's when I officially became a Stay-At-Home Mom. Even though we didn't have a baby in the house until 2005. I digress.

I tried everything workers' comp. wanted me to. Steriod injections in my back, Physical Therapy, medications (one medication I took was so bad, I don't even remember driving to work). All to no avail.

So when my back decided to completely give out on me in February/March of this year, I knew it was bad and had no other choice. Off to the doc I went for an MRI. The MRI confirmed what I already knew and then off to a surgeon to get his opinion. Since I had done the conventional way, and had no luck, surgery was my only option.

I'd like to say now, 3 weeks from my surgery, that I am SO SO HAPPY that I did the surgery. I was scared and almost backed out a couple of times. Then I figured, well crap..I'll be asleep most of the time so it's not like I was going to feel it or anything. So that was what led me to putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it.

It's nice to not be in pain every day. It's nice to actually be able to use my left leg and foot again, without all the numbness and pain. It's just nice.

How did I get here from there?

2010-04-30T00:41:00.002-05:00

I can't express how into NOT having a child I was in my younger years. I even married a man who couldn't have children. I worked at a daycare, my life was complete. It's so funny, or ironic, I should say, how life changes when you meet someone you really love. Someone your heart really falls hard for. Your whole existence changes. Your morals and values and dreams become different.

My kids have been getting on my nerves a lot here lately. It's not them really. I'm trying to heal, I get frustrated because I'm still hurting a little and can't do everything I want all by myself. Their bickering, back talking and screeching have reached a high level. S hasn't been to school almost all week (he went on Monday) and it really shows. School is VERY good for that boy! A has expressed interest in the potty, so for that I am very thankful for. He has yet to actually USE the potty, but it's a start. When here a few weeks ago, he would scream if you sat him on the potty!

I still wouldn't trade them for anything. Not even for that former me that didn't want kids, who really had no responsibilities.

I guess I'll be thinking of how I got here from there for the rest of my life.

Smiles

2010-04-26T00:21:00.002-05:00

So I think I will just jump right back in with this picture. This week's theme at http://www.iheartfaces.com/ is Smiles.

Here's my son A when he was just a wee thing. I love love LOVE this messy smile!

I survived!

2010-04-25T23:17:00.002-05:00

First and foremost: Today is S's birthday. He's 5! Who would have thought that my little 25 weeker would fight and win all the odds stacked against him and make it to this day! I have a post for that, but that will be later today. Right now, I can't stop being thrown back into the time of his birth and NICU fights without crying some, so that post will have to wait until later.

So I had my back surgery April 8th. I was really struggling with the fact of if I wanted to do it or not. I was extremely scared. I don't think anyone know how really scared I was, even when I told them how really scared I was! I was going to be put under for 3 hours! I've never been put under that long! But, I got there, and all the nurses and doctors where nice and then they gave me of the "I don't care about anything drugs" and I really didn't care about anything after that.

When I woke up...massive pain. Worse than my gallbladder surgery. I just wanted someone to shove some drugs in my IV and make it go away. Turns out, I got my own little machine with a button I could press that gave me Demerol every 8 minutes. Nice. Double Nice! I got sick to my stomach a few times, and with some Zofran in my IV, I was ok! The food was terrible. The only good thing was a crispy chicken salad I had the first day and then after that. Yuck Yuck Yuck! So, I'm pretty sure I lost 5-7 pounds while I was there 3 days. Physical Therapy came in on day 2 and helped me get up. I was dizzy at first and then I was ok. I walked a few steps and then the next time they came..I got to brush my teeth and walk the hallway some. By the 3rd day, I was doing fine and ready to go home.

I won't kid you. Recovery has been slow and frustrating. I still hurt and I'm slow. I need help sometimes to get up out of bed or sitting on the couch. I'm still not cleared to drive and walking long distances still wears me out a bit. I feel trapped at home and I feel my mind beginning to slip a little. But I know that I'll be free here in a few weeks. I hope they release me to drive in May at my next doctor's appointment.

S will be done with school on May 21st. I can't believe he'll be going to Kindergarten!! After I fully heal..I will be working hard on getting A potty trained. He is such a stubborn little boy!! He gets it from his Daddy, I'm sure! Heh. And probably a little from Mommy too!

That's it until my birthday post to S! TTFN!

It's Official

2010-03-25T22:59:00.003-05:00

My official surgery date is April 8th. That means I can do go S's Egg hunt at school and spend the holiday with my family before I have surgery. I am so excited about that! I was really dreading the fact that I was going to have to spend Easter in bed, while the boys went out and had fun hunting eggs in the yard, and seeing their faces when they saw their baskets. I'm so happy now!

My leg is really swollen, the calf part of it. It hurts if ANYONE touches it. Meeko rubbed up against it and I literally kicked him away with my other foot. Hopefully, that will go away after surgery too. I'm really looking forward to being pain free and walking without a limp. People really do give you weird looks!

My aunt, in October 2008, found out she had breast cancer, she had both breasts removed and opted not to have reconstructive surgery. She beat that beast in September/October 2009 and was officially declared "in remission". She found out this week, though, that she had cancer again. I was told to come up as soon as possible because it looked like she was in for another horrid fight. They found out on Tuesday, that the cancer was contained in her uterus and she will be having a hysterectomy on April 5th. If it stays in her uterus, and they remove it, she will be in the clear. Thank goodness!! I hate that she has to have surgery, and I hate that she will deal with the side effects of losing her uterus, but they pale in comparison to the fight she would have if she doesn't. I heard the relief in my Grandma's voice when she told me this. Then I heard the relief in my Father's voice when I relayed that same message. I hope this is the end of her battle for a long time.

On the other hand, my pre-op is on April 5th, as well. I have to go to the docs office, pick up paperwork, then swing by the hospital and do labs, a chest x-ray and the other junk that goes along with that. I hate having surgery. I hate that I will be in post-op pain. But, if I want to walk normal again, and be happy, and be a great, pain free mommy to my kids, then I have to do this. I really have no other choice.

Tomorrow, S will be in school and J, A and I will be heading out to get Easter stuff. We are a little late, but hopefully we will still beat the crowds. I have decorations for every holiday, until I found out I have none for Easter, so we'll be getting a few things to hang up around the house as well. S reminds me every day that we have nothing up like his school does.

So the first couple of weeks of April will be a busy one for us.

1st: S has his cap and gown pictures for Pre-K Graduation.
2nd: S's Easter egg hunt and party at school.
4th: Easter. We'll probably have a small dinner and easter egg hunt at home.
5th: My Pre-Op and the start of Spring Break for S.
8th: My surgery and S and A go to daycare while I'm in surgery.
12th: S returns to school

I hope J does OK with taking care of me and the boys and just taking over everything for me. So far, he's done great. He really is the best Husband and Daddy you could EVER ask for. I am very proud of my Husband.

Oh, I think it's bedtime here!

Surgery

2010-03-23T23:18:00.003-05:00

I'm having surgery. Yes, another surgery. This will be the 3rd one in a year. But, this is a major one. It's back surgery. I'm having a disk removed, a spacer put in and so that means, it will pretty much be fused. I have another disk going back above the one getting removed, but the doctor does not want to do anything to it yet. I'm too young and if I have that one done, he'll have to it to both sides of my spine. It could be a debilitating procedure. I don't want to be disabled at 31 (almost 32) years old. My kids are just babies still, and need me for everything. I'm hoping to hold off on another surgery on my back until I'm well into my older years. That's what the doc and I are hoping anyhow.

Choosing surgery was an easy decision for me. For us, rather. J was in on the decision just as much as I was. As much as I DO NOT WANT SURGERY, I can't deny the fact that it's needed. The doctor gave me some choices before surgery and he explained that since I have already done those options, and that they didn't work, that they are bound to not work this time either. I especially said no to the steroid epidural shots. I will never do those again. Having the epidural and the spinal shot for my boys' c-sections was horrid. We asked questions, asked what would happen if this or that were to take place. The doc was patient and answered every question we had. A was being a total brat, but the doc didn't seem to mind. So end the end, J was happy with what we had found out, and his fears were put to rest, and we had our answers.

The doc couldn't believe I have been living with my discs like this over over 10 years. He asked me how I dealt with the pain and I said that I just did. Tylenol, Motrin, and if it got too bad, I would go to the doc and do a round of pain pills and stronger anti-inflammatories. But I rarely had to do that.

I'm happy with the decision. I really am. Even though I keep thinking and saying (a lot) maybe I shouldn't do it, I know deep down that it is the best decision for me to move on and get rid of this pain. Even when I looked up back surgery on YouTube, and watched a surgery, the same type of surgery I'll be having, and thus, freaking out A LOT, I'm still committed to it.

That's not to say I'm scared. That's not to say I'm worried and I hope I come out of it alive. I'm worried, I'm scared, and I hope nothing goes wrong. I hope that I have minimal recovery pain, I hope I get better quickly and am back in this game called Life very soon.

I'm still nervous, though!

Glutton

2010-03-18T01:04:00.002-05:00

In talking with my mother tonight, more about my brother's current marital woes than anything, we got to talking about S and his early entrance into this world. I have no idea how we went from one extreme to another, but I rolled with it.

In a nutshell, I told my mother that I still have problems with S's early birth. I still feel responsible and I still drag out pictures of his NICU days. I admitted to her, and in some ways finally, out loud, to myself, that I do it because I feel the need to punish myself. I told her that I *know* it wasn't anything I did or anything S did. My mind tells me that. But, my heart and soul cannot seem to grasp that. I am his Mommy, the one he runs to when hurt or when he just wants to gibber jabber about his day at school. And yet, his Mommy could not keep him safe and sound in me, where he NEEDED to be for 15 weeks more than where he was born at.

"No No!", my mind screams at me. "Something went wrong, something was faulty, it was time for him to come out and in doing so, teach you some sort of lesson. He's coming early because he's going to teach you something."

And my heart and soul say back, "Yeah, something went wrong all right and something is faulty. Mainly me, everything I have done has been faulty. I should have done this..I maybe shouldn't have done that."

My heart and soul and mind are always arguing over this subject, it seems. Even 5 years later.

I'll pull out the photo album, and I'll cry over it. J will normally just get up and walk away. He doesn't like to look at those pictures. Obviously, he knows what good for him. Me? I'm just a glutton for punishment.

Punishment. Was it a punishment that he was born? In a ways, yes. I made him go through everything. I made him fight for his life. I made him endure procedure after procedure. Stick after stick of needles. IV's, medications, X-rays, eye surgery. I did it all to him!

I know that S was one of the lucky ones. He didn't have an extended period on the vent like most 25 weekers. He didn't need heart surgery, and so far, he is A-OK in the mental and physical department. He is my miracle child. He IS here for a reason.

So, why can't my heart and soul let go? Why can't I stop blaming myself? Why do I always get emotional even when I watch TV and see NICU babies, or a show that has a preemie or even a former preemie on it? Do I really want to bear this the rest of my life? Do I really want to continue to wallow in the fact that I was this awful Mom who did something that made her baby come 15 weeks early? Will talking to someone really help? Probably not. It is something that is etched in my soul, it changed me, it changed my outlook on life as I knew it.

Damn, maybe I am a glutton.

St. Patrick's Day

2010-03-17T00:37:00.002-05:00

Today marks year 6 of having my D&C for a miscarriage.

You are still thought of and still missed. The "what-ifs" and "would-bes" remain unanswered, but the love is still there. Happy Angelversary, little one.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy!

2010-03-02T02:12:00.012-06:00

Today, A turns 3! It's so funny to sit back and remember the past 3 years. So here we go.

Dear A,

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was a little upset. Mommy was just not ready for another baby so soon. But as soon as I saw your little heart fluttering on the ultrasound, I fell in love with you and was instantly glad you were going to be joining our family.

Soon, you let it be known that you were here to stay. You didn't let me eat a full meal for 18 weeks. You kicked me constantly, letting me know just who was in charge! I didn't get very far along with your older brother, so when I got past 25 weeks, everything was new to me. But, I gladly welcomed all the aches and pains. The sleepless nights and the weird cravings (Fruit Loops and jalapeno peppers??!). Then you decided to kick it up a notch and start making it be known that you didn't like your current living conditions, and threw me into the world of Pre-eclampsia. The doctor put me in the hospital where my blood pressure and everything else, continued to rise and it was decided that you were going to get here a tad bit early. I had made it to 36 weeks and 3 days with you. When you were born, you cried right away. Then Daddy cried, then I cried. It was music to our ears! You were perfectly healthy and beautiful! Mommy's blood pressure still didn't want to cooperate, but after a few days, it was down to a manageable level and we went home. It was wonderful! I got a spinal headache from the spinal block I had for your c-section, but after a few days of that, it went away as well.

You were such a beautiful baby! A head full of dark hair, and big brown eyes. Everyone who saw you fell in love and wanted to hold you!

You were quite the crier though. You pretty much cried for 15 weeks straight. Mommy was going crazy, but managed to pull through and you became a much happier baby.

You grew up quickly! Soon, you were crawling and laughing with your brother and getting into trouble left and right.

You were so much fun! You always kept your Daddy and I laughing! We loved to hear you laugh and we loved your belly laugh when you got tickled. It was so sweet!

I can't believe you are 3. You really grew before our eyes. You love cars and trucks, getting dirty and muddy and fighting with your brother. You love to swim and take baths. You are hard headed, easily upset and your temper tantrums can't be matched. You aren't talking a whole lot, and so far, potty training is a major bust. But I'm sure you have some surprises up your sleeves for Daddy and I.

On the other hand, you are sweet and cute. You love to give hugs and kisses and you love to cuddle. When you fall asleep on Mommy, it takes me back to the days when you were a baby.

You are a very challenging child, full of energy and spunk and could wear out a puppy! But you are our last child and we will cherish that. Because pretty soon, after a couple more blinks of the eye, you will be all grown up and off doing your own thing.

We love you Sweet Boy and can't wait to see what's in store for us this year!

Setting the Record Straight

2010-03-02T00:55:00.002-06:00

When I first started this blog, I really didn't know what I was doing. I was used to LiveJournal and all the features they had. When I finally got used to Blogger, I made some changes. I moderate all comments left. Even comments made from life long friends. I do not allow spam. Also? Comments from Anonymous people I don't allow either. You don't need to have an account to comment on my posts, but at least put your name! Billy, Bobby Sue or Randolf. I don't care, just expect that your Anonymous comment to not be posted. Even if they are nice posts, I will still reject them. Also..any mean or vile comments will definitely end up in my email trash! So don't even bother to type one out.

Anyhow, I know I'm being a witch, but oh well. My blog, my rules!

Kthanxbye!

Fresh Start

2010-02-28T01:33:00.003-06:00

Well, I went and did it. I joined Curves on Friday. I signed a year long contract and J forked over his debit card for the initial fees and it will automatically be taken out of his account each month. Now I'm definitely going to have to do this because it's not everyday that my husband likes to let go of his hard earned money!

She took my weight (OMG) and did some body measurements (OMG again) and let's just say that I can't wait to start working out on March 1st! I'm starting off at 3 days a week and once I get used to it and my body adjusts, I plan on going 5 days a week. The best thing about this? I get 30 minutes of free Mommy only time!!!!!! Yes, the workouts are only 30 minutes, but they are intense workouts. The lady there had me try a couple of the machines while I waited for J to show up. Oh my. My sciatic nerve was still hurting a lot, but I wanted to see what it felt like and it was HARD!! My inside thigh muscles screamed, and I had things hurting that I didn't even know I had!! And it was only for 10 seconds!!! I'm so in for it.

I was preparing myself for weight loss surgery, but decided to try this route instead. I really don't want to go through another surgery. So now it has become my last resort thing. I'm happy with this decision.

The doctor put me on some meds to help with my sciatic nerve that's been killing me now. But, after working with J tonight on laying our new laminate flooring, it feels better! I know that exercise is best to work that nerve pain out, and it seems to have done the trick.

We've been doing a lot of renovating to this place. Our old door leaked a ton of cold air in. When the wind blew, the cover we had over the door actually blew up with the wind. So we replaced that door, and then we got another door to replace the back one. We also pulled up the carpet and installed the laminate flooring. It looks so much better and so clean! Next up is putting it down in the kitchen. I'm going to re-painting the living room in nice warm colors and the kitchen and the laundry room might get a sprucing up as well.

S was sick all last week. He just went back to school on Friday. No idea what was wrong, he was just running a fever and it wouldn't go away. The doctor put him on Zithromax and by the next day, his fever had broken and I no longer had to give him Motrin/Tylenol and he was back to his old self. Friday rolled around and he was so excited to go back to school. When we got there, he actually ran up and hugged his teacher! It was so cute, everyone ran up to him and told him that they missed him and were glad he was better. I'm happy S has friends and seems to be doing better socially. Especially with his own peers, it just makes me happy and all that more confident that he will do well in school.

Aaron will be 3 years old on Tuesday! Wow..time really really flies by. We aren't going to be doing a big party. Just same cake and ice cream with family. I don't have the energy to cook and plan and do all this and that. So J and I are taking the boys for pizza, letting them play at the arcade and then home for cake. I'm tired just thinking of doing that! But, my last baby is growing too fast and even though that makes me a little sad, it also makes me happy to see him thriving and watching him grow and have his own little personality!

I am off for bed, it's really late and my meds are kicking in, thank goodness!

Second Verse, Same as the First!

2010-02-24T00:35:00.002-06:00

S is sick. He started running a fever on Sunday night/early Monday morning. He really has no other symptoms other than he's cranky and he said his head and ears hurt, so I put in a call to the doctor. S just got off of Amoxicillin, so now the doctor has put him on a 5 day course of Zithromax. If that doesn't work, the doctor wants him in for a chest x-ray. He hasn't been to school and is not allowed to go until he's fever free without the help of Tylenol for 24 hours. He keeps asking to go back to school, he misses his friends and his teachers so much. I love that he loves school! I can't believe we'll be registering for Kindy here very soon! My baby is no longer my baby and he'll be 5 years old soon!

Speaking of birthdays, Josh's nephew's birthday is Wednesday, but we won't be making our rounds over there because of S's fever. It wouldn't be fair to get everyone else sick.

Also? A? Well..he'll be 3 in 6 days! What the hell???!!! That's about all I can say about that. Time is going by way to fast for me. My last baby is 3, and is totally NOT a baby. Wow. Moving on before I get all sentimental and stuff...

I'm feeling better! Still coughing some, but it's not as much or as intense. My other problem, however, started a week and a half ago, and is still going strong. My sciatic nerve is killing me. I injured my back in 2000, resulting in 3 bulging disks, spinal canal stenosis, some degenerative disk disease and arthritis. Yes, I'm only 31. I've gone through a TON of different things to help this. Shots in my back, medications, physical therapy, and even losing 30+ pounds last year hasn't seemed to help. I'm hoping it's just a temporary thing, caused by the major coughing due to my bronchitis. If it doesn't ease up, I will have to see the doctor again. I have pain when I sit, stand, bend over and lay down. So what does that leave to do exactly? My foot hurts (the pain wraps up around my ankle to the top of my foot) and falls asleep and my leg feels like it wants to constantly give me a charlie horse in my calf muscle. I also have a constant pain in my calf muscle and behind my knee. I'm so over it. I'm giving it another week or so. Everything I have read so far has not had good results, and talks of surgery this and surgery that, so I'm hoping that's not the case and I'm trying to do little exercises to help ease the pain and stiffness, not to mention taking ibuprofen to help the swelling. I'm hoping it will go away and all will be fine.

I still need to have two teeth pulled and even though I'll be getting the happy gas, I'm having problems bringing myself to make the appointment. The dentist said he'll pull both on the same day, so I won't have to go through it twice and he's a very nice and great dentist, but my phobia is outweighing everything else now. That and I do want to wait until my bronchitis has cleared up so I can have the happy gas without any complications or strains on my respiratory system.

J put up a new front door. The old door was ugly and leaked a ton of cold air! Hopefully, this one will be more energy efficient and it looks so much better! We also bought a new door for the back as well. J plans on fixing the flooring where the old door has leaked in. I know there is probably mold in that floor, so getting rid of that will be a lot better for everyone as well. Our next big project is laminating the floor. We are doing the living room, kitchen, hallway and the boys' bathroom. We eventually will do the boys' bedrooms and our room, but for now, we want this old carpet out. I cannot wait!! My project will be finding colors of paint that match our furniture and flooring, so that should be fun, it's still up in the air what I want it to look like. I want it to be warm and cozy and inviting, while being durable and wear resistant and stain resistant. I do have two little boys that can make it messy pretty quickly at times.

So, off to research some paints and get some ideas!

Have you ever

2010-02-19T01:10:00.003-06:00

Have you ever gone back in the past to try and look things up. To see if you find anything you missed out on at the time? Or, just to remember. Something? Anything?

I do this on occasion. I admit I still look up or try to look up my late husband's obituary online. Even though, right at this moment, it is tucked away in the closet that is just a few feet from where I am sitting now. How odd of me, I know. I love J..I feel like he is my soul mate, my one and only and the one I will be with for the rest of my life, no matter what. I guess it's a way of seeing where I was to where I am now. There's no doubting that my life has taken a HUGE change from where I was. Even though, at the very end of his life, my late husband and I did not get along and divorce did seem very very likely, I still think about how he was before he got sick and then depressed and eventually just down right mean. He was a good man who loved his son, for sure. But I doubt, that if he was still alive today, that we would be married.

Kinda of weird to think about those kinds of things.

Just.....life, I guess.

Life always has lots of questions, just never any answers.

So what's goin' on?

2010-02-18T01:42:00.002-06:00

So we got our tax refund and spent it accordingly. We got a new leather living room suite. Sofa, love seat and rocker/recliner. It's very very nice and big and soft and comfy! J got a new to him car that he's been drooling over. A Subaru GL..late 80's with only 50 thousand on the newly put in motor. It's 4 wheel drive and he is in love with this car. It makes life easier! No more dropping S off at school, only to run down the road to pick J up at work. We also paid our property taxes and are in the process of paying off the majority of our bills and J has paid off a bill we recently found out we owed to a hospital in Alabama. I swear if he ever wants to move back to that God forsaken state, I'm divorcing him and moving back to Ohio. But, that's another post altogether. Ha!

For all my troubles of running around with J in the cold and snow, I have ended up with Asthmatic Bronchitis. Which is weird because I've never been diagnosed with Asthma. Doc said my lungs sounded horrible and wheezy and was surprised I didn't have pneumonia. I got a steroid shot in the rump, with 4 prescriptions for more oral steroids, antibiotics, an inhaler and some cough syrup with narcotics in it. That is a fun ride, let me tell ya, and I only take one teaspoon every 4-6 hours!

Leroy got a new medicated shampoo tried on his back and rear end area. I think the poor dog is suffering with some sort of allergy or just a constant need to itch his back. The past few months I have tried everything I can think of, and when I saw this shampoo sitting on the shelf, I got the feeling that I needed to try it. I LOVE IT. It has really worked wonders and has improved his itching and redness 100% . When he starts to itch again, which it's been almost a week since the first treatment, he gets another bath. Hopefully all this cold and snow has killed off the majority of fleas in the yard for this summer, but he'll be getting a healthy dose of the flea stuff on the neck, so no worries there. But this shampoo was well worth the $5! I need to write that company and tell them how wonderful it's been!

I really really need to go to bed. Next post up? Lots of bitching about the so called "snow days" they have used up already and how they plan on making them up. It's laughable to call off school for a dusting of snow on the roads. But that's it for now!

Oh Sickies!

2010-02-07T01:39:00.003-06:00

S got sick on Thursday. Started running a fever, and complaining of his throat being sore. So in to the doc he went. Oh man. Turns out, his adenoids are HUGE and since he was throwing up, the doc decided to put him on anti-nausea meds. Only it was the kind that went into places that is only labeled "out". Poor little guy and poor me!! The meds said to give him a whole or a half of one, but I played it safe and gave him half of a half. He did really good and didn't complain and I was as gentle as one could possibly be. I felt like an evil evil mommy! Turns out, he was fine and I watched him for any adverse reactions for 10-15 minutes then sent him to bed. That was around 10:30 p.m. That's a very long day for my kiddos, normally they are in bed by 9 at the very latest. But, since S wasn't going to school on Friday, I let them stay up and watch a few more cartoons on Disney.

2:30 a.m. rolls around and I hear S SCREECHING from his bed. I ran in there and he started screaming at me that they are biting him and it itches and how scared he was. I looked him over for any obvious bite marks, found nothing and decided then and there that he was NOT getting any more anti-nausea stuff. He's never had any meds but antibiotics so I have no idea how he's going to react until he gets new stuff. So..no more of that.

I'm afraid he's going to have to have his tonsils and adenoids out. It freaks me the hell right out of my skin. So I told the people I care about about how scared I am if that were to happen and I get the usual "He'll be ok, he's a big, healthy kid now, he'll be fine". So not what I want to hear. Of course, I don't want to hear the opposite of that either, I just want people to listen to me bitch about how scared I am. You see, when he was in the NICU, he had to have laser eye surgery for his ROP and of course, had to be put under. All the doctors and nurses assured me that he was going to be fine. It's a simple surgery, they said. He'll be off the vent in a couple of days, they told me. Well, that turned out to be utter bull crap. We almost lost him several times. We watched out son turn grey, and his heart rate plummet and the NICU nurses and doctors surrounding him, bagging him, talking to him. It was like I was in a horrible nightmare. I just stood there and watched. I didn't think anything, I didn't feel anything, I didn't do anything. Finally, after a few more times of that through the course of 2 days, we found out that they had really reallllyyyy put him under and he was having a hard reaction to the meds. He just wasn't waking up because they had put him under so deep. Then he started with the bronchial-spasms. Can I tell you how heart wrenching it is to watch your baby gag and gag and gag against the tube in his throat? Well..it was bad. Also? This one student doc kept giving him Ativan. We called her Ativan Annie. I told S's head doctor to not give him anymore Ativan, to try something a little less harsh. If she didn't, I was going to request him to be moved to back to the hospital he was born at.

So anyhow, so that's why I'm scared he'll have to have surgery, that and his mild BPD . I just can't go through all that again, once is enough.

The cat is also sick. His eyes are goopy, and he's coughing a little, so there are meds on board for him too. J and A and I are the only ones who aren't horribly sick (I'm now taking a moment to knock on some wood). I can't wait for spring and summer. I hope S's immune system will be a lot stronger for Kindergarten in August!

One can only hope anyhow...

Truckin' On

2010-01-29T00:42:00.003-06:00

Things are good here. Besides the fact that I had some severe computer detox symptoms. I didn't think I was going to make it. I'm glad my sister in law has a friend that can fix these things. How in the world a massive virus got through 3 virus protection things, I'll never know!

S's first parent teacher conference went well. As I sat down to talk to his teacher, I made a comment to her saying I felt like I was in trouble all the sudden. Kind of like the bad student has to talk to the teacher kind of thing. She just laughed at me. S's progress is going great in school! He knows all of his letters, even just by looking at them, can count to 21 (he has yet to do this at home for me though), can count to 5 in Spanish and knows all his shapes and colors. He can do patterns and knows the difference between a letter, a word and a sentence. He is curious about everything and enjoys the Science area of school the most. He's very interested in his environment. There are a few things that he needs to work on. He can't put his shoes on, he won't swing on the swings right (he just lets go of the chain and falls off) and he needs to work on learning how to button and snap his pants. Other than that, he is right on course with every other student in there!

I'm going to stop there and say just how relieved I am to hear his teacher brag about him. How I loved hearing her say that she has no concerns and that he falls within normal ranges of everything. As a Mother to a Micro preemie, I've always worried about S and his milestones. I've always watched out for things that he should or shouldn't be doing. I don't think that will ever end, but it's nice to know that for now, things are fine and I need to relax. Even if something was wrong and he needed extra help, I wouldn't care, he would get that extra help in a heartbeat, but it just does MY heart good knowing things are great. At the beginning of the year, he did have some socialization therapy. He just liked to play on his own too much and didn't really interact with the other kids. That was one of my concerns and the main reason I pushed for him to be in Pre-K. He is doing great now and the teacher said that they are done with that therapy. He plays and interacts with everyone now.

I can't believe he's going to be 5 soon! And in a real school..a really real, honest to goodness, public school! I never thought this day would come! Very surreal! But they are going to be doing Kindergarten registration soon, and then it will be very real.

A is being his bratty self. I hope he calms down soon. He'll be 3 in March!! He's still not talking a whole lot, and I'm a little worried, but not so worried that I'm going to rush out to the doctor. S didn't talk until he was 3, and A is shaping up to be the same way it looks like. A does say words and does know what things are. That's why I'm not so worried just yet. A is also very very destructive and likes to throw temper tantrums and sometimes he is just too much for me to handle. I am thinking of putting him in daycare, just so he can interact with other kids and learn what's right and wrong to do and to have fun. Then Mommy can get a break in the form of a part time job. I wouldn't even care if it was a job at the Dollar Store, I'd take it!

Our trip to Ohio is coming up soon! We will hopefully be up there Mid to Late July. I'm so excited! I haven't been to my home state in almost 3 years. I haven't seen my Family and Friends in that long and it kills me! I can't wait to see my Dad and Grandparents and Mom. I also plan on stopping by the cemetery to pay my respects to my Grandpa. I still miss him like crazy. We have a very full schedule planned for our trip. I hope we can get it all done in time!

Ok, I am tired. Nothing exciting here ever goes on. So there's my boring post for the night. I need to post some pictures, but will another day.

It lives!!!

2010-01-26T07:23:00.002-06:00

Yup, I am back. Our computer had a major meltdown and had to be completely restored. What a pain in the arse! Lots has gone on here lately, and hopefully, I will get to share some of those things. I will leave you with some things to ponder.

Did you know that Valium doesn't work for me? Darn dental phobia!

I have to have not one, but TWO teeth pulled. I'm living up to the redneck image here in the south.

A gets mistaken for being a student in S's Pre-K class all the time. It's a riot!

I had my first parent teacher conference and as I sat down, I asked S's teacher why did I feel like I was in trouble all the sudden? Ha!

S is doing wonderful in school. He is up to par with all his peers and is only lacking in a few things. Such as being able to swing and button his pants and put on his shoes. I am one proud Mom though!

A will be 3 here soon and S will be 5. That's craziness.

That's all..more later!

Excited!

2009-10-12T16:48:00.002-05:00

So here is my submisson to I Heart Faces for this weeks theme of Excited! This is a picture of my oldest son when he was only a year or so old. I can't believe this little face is now 4 and a half years old!! I cannot remember, however, why in the world he was so excited. It could have been Daddy getting ready to tickle him, or me just sticking my tounge out at him to get him to laugh or it could have been the dog. I really have no clue! Anyhow..enjoy!

My Favorite Things

2009-10-06T21:29:00.009-05:00

So I stumbled across this blog. It's a photography blog and it is wonderful! Check them out! Lots of great pictures and people! For now, I'm going to do their theme of the week of My Favorite Things.

Of course my favorite things right off the bat are my kids. I love my boys so so much!

This is A, and I had finally caught him breaking in his first tooth! He was so little here! So awesome!

And here is S..He looks so young here too! I love his eyes in this picture. I can always tell how he is feeling by the color and the look of his eyes.
My other favorite thing is my husband. Of course! He really is a wonderful father and I love when he interacts with our boys. He means the world to them and them to him. It's a wonderful relationship really ;o)

This is Meeko. He's one of my favorite animals. He's a cool, calm and very friendly cat. He's very patient and pretty much gets along with any other animal. This is his "I don't need you to take pictures to validate how awesome I am" pose.
This is Leroy. We rescued him from the local pound. He's one of those "he's so ugly he's cute" dogs that I just couldn't say no to. He was so little, they had him in with the cats and kittens. Just a poor little puppy that needed a home. He's a good dog, too. You don't want to see him with a shaved haircut though. He looks like a cross between a possum and a rat. Quite disturbing. Almost nightmare inducing!
My other favorite thing is swimming! I love going to our local lake and watching the kids play in the water, getting a nice tan and having a cookout with the family. Cheeseburgers on the grill is the best thing ever! This is Carter's Lake and it's a massive lake! It is so pretty, I love the different views that it offers, depending on where you are at.

That wraps up my post about my Favorite Things. I'm sure there are lots more things that are my favorite, but that is all the my poor, tired mind could think of for tonight!

Wowza!

2009-09-29T23:32:00.002-05:00

Long time, no entry! I've been so busy and the days are just flying past.

S is doing better in school, so I'm happy for that. We are working or rewarding good behavior and not giving all the attention to the bad behavior.

A is..well..just being him. He's stubborn and can be mean and doesn't listen. He likes his temper tantrums (even though I have noticed a drop in them) and will throw one for some odd reason. Example: if one of his cars falls on the floor, then that is really the end of the world. Oh...the 2's..I will not miss thee!

S decided he wanted to be Jason for Halloween. We'll see how that pans out. He likes the mask and found a little plastic knife he likes and we are going to rip up an old shirt, let him wear a flannel shirt over that and spray some fake blood all over the mask and clothes and we'll see where that get us. Since it's such an easy costume, A will be sporting it as well. Not really my choice and it seems a little drastic for a 2.5 and a 4.5 year olds, but..whatever. Daddy rules, Mommy drools in this case.

I went to the dentist on Tuesday. I am very very afraid of dentists and because of this, I found out that I need more than 5 grand in work done to my teeth and mouth. Not gonna happen. I'll be getting them cleaned and the ones that need the most work will be done and that's it. I did end up puking on the dentist's chair. I have a horrible gag reflex and the tech was on the 12th Xray (out of 18) and I, or my stomach rather, decided that it couldn't do it anymore and well, the rest is history. As they say, anyhow. But the tech moved quickly on the remaining 6 x-rays and I got out of there without vomiting again. I consider that a miracle.

I am off here to finish baking muffins for the boys' breakfast tomorrow. Not much else going on, what can I say? I lead a boring life!

By example

2009-09-10T22:52:00.002-05:00

J and I are striving to be good parents. We don't smoke, we don't do drugs, and we only drink occasionally. And by occasionally, I mean, twice a year and we never leave home. If we both are having drinks, I'm normally the one who will only have a couple of whatever we are drinking. I don't like the idea of becoming so drunk, that if something happens, I can't react. That scares the bejeezus outta me! We try not to cuss and use bad language, but sometimes, a word here or there slips out. We are only human. We try not to have fights in front of them, and that too, has failed once or twice. I really really want to be better about this. It's not like J and I fight all the time, but we aren't perfect. But we do get a few good ones in every year or so. Again, I really want the fighting in front of them to stop. My dad and step mom fought constantly and it's just not a memory I want my kids to have of their Father and I.

J has always had a job. He's been working since he was a teenager. He took care of his dad, and after he died, he took care of his mother. He also fixes things around the house and fiddles around with cars and what not. He does have a diesel mechanic background. We want the boys to know that to get what you want, you have to work and sometimes work hard to obtain your goals. We don't plan on giving them a free ride. They want a car, they will work to pay for one. We plan on helping, yes, but not giving in and giving them what they want for free.

I haven't worked in nearly 5 years. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling an itch to DO something. Anything! I want to get S settled in school and A started in Pre-K before I decide what to do. I really think me being at home for my children is very important. Again, I'm not debating the whole Stay at home vs. Working Moms thing. Everyone does what's right and what's needed for their family. But for my family, me staying at home has been best. I don't have to worry about my children and if, who's watching them, knows that they like that for lunch, or if they are playing and interacting with them or if my kids are OK. It just made life much easier for me to be at home.

Now that they are growing up. Oh GOD, how I hate to admit that and worse yet, how I hate to see that. But there is no denying it. Anyhow. Now that they are starting their school years, I figured it's the perfect time to go back to school. I really want to do the Ultrasound Technician thing. I'm hoping, by the time I'm done with schooling, that the economy will be somewhat better and there will be more job openings. I want to work in a doctor's office, with a hospital being a last choice.

But..and there's always a "but".

I need to get my GED. Yes, I quit school 2 months before I was set to graduate and just a half of a credit away. My temper got the better of me and I let some bully teacher get me down. When I'm down, I fight back. The fight instinct is strong withe me, I sometimes wish that it wasn't. This is where I want my kids to know that it's never too late to realize a dream. This is where I want to lead by example and make sure they understand that the best thing they can do is stay in school. I want them to be proud of me, because out of every single person I know, family and friends alike, my sons' opinion of me is the ones I value the most. I know that it will also make me happy. I know that I contribute different ways to the household, but if I get a job, I'll be able to say for sure I do. I'll feel better about myself!

Also, I'd like to work and let J take a year or so off from working. He could get his shoulder worked on, or just be the one to rest for a while. I know that he would enjoy spending time with the boys more. He's a wonderful Daddy and the boys adore him. Well, A is a Mommy's Boy, and S just loves everyone, but there is just something about Daddy that they love. I guess it's all that male bonding. I'm pretty sure that before long, J is going to have the boys start helping around the house more, and helping him out with little projects. I can't wait to watch my men working together and having fun!

Just some stuff to ponder and stuff that's floating around in my head. Sooner or later, I'll have those thoughts all processed and ready to go!

Lazy

2009-09-06T23:55:00.001-05:00

The last few weeks have been a little hectic. I've beaten the insomnia monster and I'm usually in bed by midnight. Tonight is different, seeing as S has no school tomorrow (Labor Day). I'm due to update this poor ole blog sooner or later. Possibly tomorrow or this weekend!

Bullet Post

2009-08-16T00:19:00.002-05:00

So much has been going on that for this time, I think I'm going to have to bullet this post!

I got sick not to long ago. I think I had the flu. Chills, body and joints hurt, off and on fever, coughing, sniffling, dizzy at times and very fatigued. It was horrid. I haven't had the flu since I was 18. I'm still coughing like crazy, my right ear is still full of fluid and I'm still a little tired sometimes. I'm also having some horrible coughing attacks (at least twice a day) where I end up vomiting lots of mucous up. Not fun. The doc has given me some antibiotics and some cough syrup with hydrocodone in it. Who knew!! Cough syrup with vicodin! I only take it twice a day though and it's only a teaspoon, so no having that "high" feeling when taking it. Thank goodness, as I do have two very active boys to take care of. But it sure does help with the coughing!

S got sick on Wednesday. He ran a fever and was a little snotty. According to the Pre-K's rules, he was not allowed back in on Thursday, but was ok to go by Friday. Kids with fever have to be out until they no longer have a fever for 24 hours without the use of fever lowering meds. He was out of his routine by then and I had some problems dropping him off. He cried and he wanted to go home and asked me not to leave. It really broke my heart. But, I know that he has to get used to this, he has to go to school. So I bent down and told him that I loved him, kissed him, hugged him and told him to have a great and fun day and that I would see him in just a little bit to pick him up. His teacher was there and she immediately saw his tears and picked him up while he cried and coddled him for a few. Meanwhile, I walked out of the room feeling like the worst Mother in the world and my insides screaming that is should be ME comforting my child, not his teacher. But, then again, I knew that them comforting him is easier on them and him than me comforting him. I just have to get used to others taking care of my child. That is very hard for me to do, seeing as I didn't get to take care of him as a newborn and had to turn that over to the docs and nurses. I got selfish as he got older and especially when I got him home. He's mine, all mine and I get to take care of him finally.....and now....I have to let go again. Not such a great feeling for me at times, but I am learning to work thorough it and have faith and trust. Anyhow, the teacher told me at the end of the day that he was fine, and he had a great day and that they had ice cream. He came over to me smiling and happy. So I guess I didn't do him any mental and emotional damage...for now anyhow. His teacher also told me that he told her that he was out of school because he had a sore throat and it hurt really bad. That child is so stinking cute I could bottle him up forever! Whoops, he does have homework, writing the letter "S", so tomorrow is the day for that!

I think A is loving having us to himself. He is such a great kid! No more screaming, no more tantrums, no more fighting through the day! It is so weird. It's also weird, and nice at times, to have one kid while running around doing our errands!! I do miss S when we go out to eat, because I know he loves going to this one pizza joint and he misses out sometimes. We usually end up making it up to him though!

J finally got our shower fixed! We have two bathrooms and our master bath has a separate garden tub and shower. He just hasn't had a chance to fix it! I've gotten sick and needed surgery, we've had family over, he's gotten sick, he's been working some over time, other things have come up that were more important to fix first. Besides, it wasn't like we were without a means to take a bath or a shower, just no shower in our bathroom. It's a nice big shower and I enjoyed it a lot! I mean, a lot a lot a lot!!

Now we just need to get some tires on our van and we'll be ok for the winter. *sigh*

I use an online alarm clock until we get another one, and I forgot about the updates Microsoft does automatically for security updates. When the updates have completed, it automatically restarts the computer. Needless to say, we woke up late that day and my poor husband spent the morning trying to call me to find a way home. With my ears full of fluid, I didn't hear the phone ringing. Thank goodness he flagged down a friend to drive him home. Also, it was the day S was sick, so school was not happening anyhow.

Well, I think that is it for now! We'll talk next time about little boys who claim to have girlfriends (in Pre-K nonetheless!!) and how Mommy got to see firsthand that he was telling the truth when 3 out of 4 of the little girls in his class came up to say goodbye to him with a few trying to hold his hand and arm. Yeah..........

We did it!

2009-08-06T22:49:00.003-05:00

The first day of Pre-K is over. All the anticipation and butterflies in my tummy where all for naught. It was very anti-climatic. He didn't cry. I didn't cry. We just dropped him off, gave him a hug and a kiss and told him I would be back soon to pick him up. He said, "Ok Momma, Bye". That was it. I went and got him and asked the teachers how he was. They said he was good. There was one time he got up from what they were doing, but after re-directing him back, he was fine. The only time he even mentioned J and I was when it was nap time. But, he talked a little and then fell asleep and was fine. I guess he really likes the science area of the classroom. That makes me all happy because I really loved Science when I was in school too.

One odd thing that I'm going to bring up to the teachers tomorrow is: He came home with completely wet shoes and socks. His poor little feet were all white and pruney. He said he got it from playing in the sand box. I don't care that he got wet, I just feel bad because I forgot to pack extra socks and shoes for him. Knowing that his poor little feet had to stay wet like that breaks my heart. I don't even think the teachers knew.

I do think he has a crush on the younger assistant teacher. His seat is right next to her and he said, "Ms. Natosha is my best buddy". It was so cute!!

I am off here to see what I'm going to make for breakfast..and make sure some more things are packed for Samuel in case he gets wet socks and shoes again!

A new chapter

2009-08-04T23:15:00.002-05:00

So a new chapter in our lives is about to begin. S and I went to his Pre-K Orientation tonight. Can I just say how completely weird it was for me to be there, as a parent??! That I was now this responsible adult with a kid in school?!! It seemed very very surreal.

Anyhow...

It went fine. S got to meet his teachers, and where his little locker was, then they took the kids out of that room, and let them play in a different room while all the parents and teachers talked. Samuel did Ok, I guess, one teacher was with them in this other room and she didn't say he was horrible or anything. And my baby..he just..went with these other kids and teacher and didn't even say Bye to me or anything!! He just walked with them like he's always been there and it wasn't a big deal. I don't even think he realized I wasn't there!! The little booger! Just another part of growing up, I guess. I really hope that Thursday will go off without a hitch and he'll be fine. I hope he adjusts to school and really blossoms and learns. I hope he's a good kid for the teachers and that he's good to the other students as well.

There's a whole new level of parenting I never dreamed about..and that's the School Aged Child. I'm ready for this bumpy ride.

I hope...

Here it comes!

2009-07-30T00:12:00.002-05:00

So the first day of Pre-K is fast approaching for my S. He's super excited and I really hope he does well. I am just so nervous that he'll be picked on, or they will say there is something wrong with him and that he needs to go somewhere else because he isn't teachable. Silly notions, really. I really thought I was OK with him going. But, now that the time is closing in, I'm getting anxious. I'm going to try to quiet those thoughts down, and just go with the flow. He isn't my itty bitty baby anymore, he's all grown up, with a mind of his own and thoughts and feelings and an attitude all his own. So I'm just going to have to chill out and take what comes.

I did not put on his Pre-K application that he was a preemie. They didn't ask, so I'm for sure not going to give that information up. It's really no one's business. I've heard that some of the Kindy applications go into further detail, and if that's true, then I'll have to decide what to do. On one hand, it's not OK to lie, but on the other, I will do what I need to do to ensure my son isn't pigeon-holed into some group that he shouldn't be. S is very smart. I, at times, even think he is smarter than me. I'm hoping both boys do well at school, since I really didn't enjoy school that much. J did, and J did well in school. Let's hope they get their brains from him!

So I leave you with a picture. This is S's backpack for school that his Grandma and Step-Grandpa got him. He is in love with it and asks about it daily. I have to keep it up, because if I don't, A's little fingers will have it tore up in no time flat.

Here's hoping for an easy transition to school and loving it!!

First Day of School Cries

2009-07-02T01:47:00.002-05:00

I know a lot of mothers cry at their kids' first day of school. I totally expect to do that. For S's first day of Pre-K and Kindy. I was talking to my best friend tonight, and we reflected on the whole crying as they walk into school for the first time thing.

I proceeded to tell her that I will cry, but my crying will be for a different reason. My crying will be because he wasn't even supposed to make it this far, and here he is, getting ready to attend school. I cry out of pride and out of awe of my son. In all of his struggles thus far and struggles yet to come, we will take on gladly. Struggles mean you are living, you are doing and you are eventually going to succeed. He struggled for life at the beginning of his life. He struggled to grow and be on track for his age. Now his struggle will be navigating school, and just like his other struggles, he will conquer them and come out a better person.

I can't wait to see him grow into a young man and accomplish whatever he wants. They say people have dreams. My dream is to see my boys grow up to be good men, to have a good and smart head on their shoulders, to be compassionate to all living things, and to do what THEY want to do in life and succeed and be happy with their life. That's all I ask for, that's all I dream of.

Germs everywhere!

2009-07-01T23:08:00.003-05:00

So, A is feeling much better today. He did not run a fever all day, so I did not have to do the switching up of Mortin and Tylenol. His eyes were bright and perky and he was back to his romping self.

S, on the other hand, is sick. I have no idea how or why. He's been running a fever, lethargic, and even vomited. He said his head hurt, and he has the chills. I'm thinking flu, but who knows. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day for my little man. I really hope it's nothing and will pass in a day or so. He's really excited about the fireworks and I would hate to break his heart.

I got a call from the Pre-K S will be attending in a little over a month!! I am so excited and nervous!! Anyhow, they were just calling to make sure he'll be attending, and to let us know when their little Open House is. Orientation or whatever it's called. J will get to go with us, so now I am really excited! Every time we drive past S's school, he lets us know that THAT IS MY SCHOOL, MOMMA!!! I love my (not so) little boy! He's gonna have tons of fun and learn all sorts of things!

A, on the other hand, won't know what to think of S being gone all day. Hopefully I can fill up some of his time while waiting for S to come home. I don't know what I'm going to do with just one child at home. It's going to be surreal, that's for sure. Down to one kid...what in the world...6.5 hours of just one kid. Seriously, I'm in awe.

My mom sent down some swimming vests for them. I tried the one on S and he fit it great, and since A is the same size as S, just a little shorter, I know his will fit too. We might not go swimming this weekend, because I want S to heal from whatever he has, and I want A's left ear to heal from having it's problems. I think they will both love this thing though, and I won't be so worried all the time about A wanting to get away from us, literally trying to push our arms away. That boy is gonna give me a coronary yet!

This is not a picture of A, just of the product.

I need to go check on S..and see how his fever is. I might have to call J to come home so I can take him to see a doctor. Hopefully not though!

Random Junk

2009-07-01T03:41:00.002-05:00

So I had to take A to the doc's on Monday. He was running a fever, very whiny, and wasn't eating, hardly drinking. Of course, we get to the doc's and he's a bag full of fun. Jumping around, talking to people and acting so not like the sick, feverish, lethargic child I had a mere 30 minutes before. I knew it was an ear infection, and on the left ear, because he poked at it once or twice when he got up in the morning. Since I have problems with my ears, I just seem to know when it's their ears. Although, S hasn't had an ear infection in almost 3 years. He had two as a baby, and one as a toddler and that's been it. A, on the other hand, has had about 7 in his short 2 year lifetime. I guess if he has any more, I'll be discussing things with J and the doc. But, the right ear, this time, on A was completely clear. Awesome! So it's a 10 day course of antibiotics. I know he got it from swimming on Saturday, so we may or may not go swimming this weekend or not.

Speaking of this weekend, I am SO SO happy that the 4th of July is on a weekend! This will be A's first fireworks experience and I hope he likes them as much as S does. I think the 4th is one of my all time favorite holidays. We had planned on going camping, but all the sites are full. So now we'll be swimming (maybe) , cooking out, and just having a good time with the boys. Then we'll be going to the nearby town for junk food (mmm..funnel cakes!) and some little rides for the boys and then fireworks! They are going to have such a full, fun day. I love getting the boys out and experiencing new things! We were always boarded up in our house as kids, we never really got to go to new places (except when it was my mom's turn to have us). I don't want the same thing to happen for my kiddos.

It's getting ready to storm here, not so fun. I hate storms. I'm hoping A sleeps through them, he's been known to wake up during storms. It's 5a.m. so I guess I need to try and get a couple hours of sleep before hubby-man gets home from work! Off I go!

Stay At Home Mommy

2009-06-29T01:15:00.002-05:00

So it's obvious that I'm a stay at home mommy. I enjoy that title. I think it's awesome that I've had the opportunity to stay with my kids until they start school. Which I totally plan on doing. Everyone thinks that being a stay at home mom is easy. That we really don't do anything. This I do know: My day goes by a whole lot faster as a stay at home mom as compared to when I was single and working. I always feel like I am busy, but never can find the time to get everything done. To make matters worse, I can't do a lot of noisy things because J sleeps during the day.

This is what my day consists of:
Cleaning up messes
Changing diapers
On the phone with various companies and people who call
Breaking up fights
Getting one meal done and preparing for the next
Cooking said meals
Entertaining the kids (the UV index here has been really high, so we only go out after dinner)
Laundry
Folding clothes
Mopping
Clothes put away or hung up
Cleaning rooms

I'm not saying moms who work have it any easier, how in the world can it be easier when you have to work outside the home and deal with the messes of work and then come home only to deal with more messes and more responsibility?!! Those ladies are brave and have more energy than I do! I'm just tired of stay at home mom's getting the bad rap. It's not easy being at home all the time, and not all the time is it fun.

So, that being said, I cannot wait to rejoin the workforce! I still plan on going to school in a couple of years and a few years after that, I hope to be settled in a nice job (providing the economy straightens out a little by then!). My husband plans on staying home while I work and I see nothing wrong with that. He's been working for a very long time, providing for us, and making sure we have everything we need. Now, if he needs to get a job, than he will, but for now, we plan on him becoming a stay at home Daddy. There is really no one else I would trust my kids to, so to know they will be safe and taken care of by their Dad, only makes me that much more happier!

I can't wait!

Wit's End

2009-06-25T00:24:00.002-05:00

S's attitude is in serious need of adjustment. I really have no idea what to do next. We have tried everything we can think of and none of it has worked. He's mouthy (wonder where he gets that from..Hmm...) and talks back, he's mean to A, he won't listen, and sometimes he just downright ignores us. Today, J spanked him. S only gets spanked maybe 1 or 2 times a week and it's only for multiple offenses. And S laughed at J and told him that was funny. He's told me a few times that I'm stupid. I have no idea where he gets this stuff from! They are not spoiled kids. They don't get what they want if they see something in the store, we're not the type of parents to give in to their kids just to get them to be quiet. I don't know what's going on with S. I have a feeling he may be a little bored, and with school coming this August (hoping the van last that long anyhow), I have hopes that maybe some of this acting out stuff will be resolved.

On the other hand, I don't want to send him to school acting like this!!! Also, he changes his underwear all the time (like if he might dribble a little on it), he won't put them on right and he screams for help whenever he gets stuck, or needs someone to assist him. I'm not talking "Please help me", I'm talking full out HEEEELLLLPPPPP...screeching like a little girl. He still walks out of the bathroom with his pants down around his ankles. I know I say 15 times a day to pull them up before leaving the bathroom.

One one hand, I want to send him because it will hopefully mature him a little and it will be just all around good for him. But on the other hand, his acting out embarrasses me. I don't want his teachers to have to deal with him and I don't want to have "that kid" in school.

Also, I feel that if I don't get a little break here soon, that I will break. Having one at school will help.

J and I never spend time together, we have no one to watch the kids if we want to have a little date night and we listen to screaming, fighting and crying all day. We get grumpy with each other at times because of this.

I'm at my wit's end and I have no idea if there's a way back up that long rope. I have consulted everyone I know, doctors, other parents, online message boards...You name it, I've done it. No idea where to go from here. Just hoping that I can make it until August, give S some time to adjust and see how he develops from there.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T21:54:00.008-05:00

I'm wishing my husband a wonderful Father's Day today. He deserves it! He is a wonderful father, and our two boys adore him. They love playing rough with Daddy, and being sweet and cuddling with him and everything in between. J lost his father over 10 years ago, and I'm hoping that my boys and J have a great relationship and lasting memories just like J has of his father. So here are some pictures of the past 4 years of J being a Daddy.

I remember the first time I told him I was pregnant. Oh wow. He was thrilled and excited and couldn't wait to tell everyone he could. Then things started going bad with that pregnancy. J was there with me at every appointment. He was there when we got the news that I had miscarried and that I would need to undergo a D&C. He cried with me, and grieved with me. He was very heartbroken and not only was I heartbroken over the loss of that little one, but also heartbroken to see my husband so heartbroken. It was a very rough time for us. Of course, we stuck by each other, thick and thin and prevailed.

Then came S's pregnancy announcement. Another round of joy for J, but this time with guarded optimism and worry for me. He didn't let me do anything. He did dishes and cleaned the house, did laundry and cooked and made sure I got whatever I wanted. Then that day reared it's ugly head. I had to be rushed to a major hospital where we awaited the fate of our baby. S was born 15 weeks early for unknown reasons. I had to watch J worry all over again. I worried. It was a very rough time. Then things started looking up and Father's Day 2005, he was holding his little boy, who weighed a little over 3lbs here. Talk about true love.

He was so excited to have a little boy! Now he could teach him everything he did as a child. He was so gentle with S. So loving. I really loved watching my big, burly, strong husband interact with our child. It makes my heart swell and brings tears to my eyes.

Sweeter than words

They look so much alike!

Cuddle time before bed

Loving the fireworks!

18 months after S was born. We had another big announcement. I was pregnant again. I was not very happy this time. I called him at work, and told him that I was extremely pissed off that I was pregnant. Most of why I was so mad was because I was so scared and being scared sometimes makes people go loony! J, on the other hand, was so happy, he practically danced. For all I know, he probably did! After a few weeks of calming down time, I accepted it and couldn't wait to meet the new little one. I hoped, deep in my heart, that things would be different this time, that I would make it full term. I almost did! At 36w3d, A came into the world. Screaming, pink, and beautiful. When J and I heard A screaming, we cried (S had only did a few kitten meow-like cries at birth). We were so overjoyed and I was in awe of A. After recovery time for me, we all went home and it was bliss.

Paging Dr. J.

Taking A to the nursery

In love all over again!
Sleeping on Daddy. My ovaries are all a-twitter

Seriously though, if I could, I'd have 15 babies with this man. Seriously.

Then came the time of the boys starting to grow up and really start interacting with Daddy. They roughhoused and got messy and explored new places and things. They acted serious and silly and just had a great time with each other. My 3 boys. How I love them and wouldn't want it any other way!

The men in my life

My men at Christmas 2007

Having a great time egg hunting!

So then it was time to explore and do all the weird things boys do. I watched my sons grow, and I watched my husband grow as a father, and believe it or not, I keep falling in love with him. Over and over again. I hope these 3 have many adventures to come!

Taking a rest while exploring the woods

Holding on tight!

Boys are always dirty

And always picking something

And full of bruises

And always having fun!

So Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband. I hope to celebrate many MANY MANY more to come!! The boys and I adore and love you and always will!

Important Post

2009-06-21T00:48:00.003-05:00

Ok, not really. I was gonna do a good post, but I've had some tequila and I forget what it is I was going to talk about. So I leave you with some super cute pics of my boys. Hee. They are so cute! Also, I am really sunburnt and hoping I can move my arms again the way it was intended for them to move and not like a robot.

Addictions

2009-06-14T23:48:00.002-05:00

So yeah..the lures of Facebook is too much. I really have been spending too much time on there lately. My best friend is on there now and we can talk all we want to and it's great! I sure do miss her and her kiddos, and her one kiddo I haven't even met yet! He is sooooo cute! He's got big blue eyes and big ole baby thighs that you just wanna grab and start gnawing on! Anyhow...

The doc wants me to up the meds he gave me a couple weeks ago. This stuff is still not working and it's so freaking annoying. All I want to do is sleep and sleep normally! Doc also wants me to go do a sleep study, but I don't see the reasoning behind it. Every report I've read online says that they cannot diagnose insomnia through a sleep study, but possibly things that are causing the insomnia, like restless leg syndrome or sleep apnea. Neither of which I have. So what's the point, really?

We are trying to make our way up to Ohio, but since we had to buy another vehicle, that money we were saving is now gone. We have to rent a car to go up because with two kids, we do not feel safe in driving our own vehicle and having it break down. At least if the rental breaks down, we can get another one. So we have started saving again and we hope to be up there by the end of August, maybe September. I have friends I haven't seen in years and would love to spend some time with them!

Last, but certainly not least! My friend, Carrie and her hubby had their little boy on Saturday the 6th! He's a big boy weighing in at 8lbs 12oz! Baby is doing well, he had to be helped with the forceps and they left a mark on his face, but he is fine. He is beautiful and has the cutest nose I've ever seen on a newborn! Mommy lost a lot of blood, but didn't require a transfusion as her blood counts were coming back up on their own. I am so excited for her!! She's going to make a wonderful mother!!

That's about it from here. Off to watch some TV to try and get my mind to shut off and me to sleep!

The Future

2009-06-11T01:04:00.004-05:00

So with my kids growing up, I've decided that I really want to do something with my life. I haven't worked since 2004 and have been feeling that I haven't really been a contributing factor to my family. Never mind that I cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, take care of two kids and yadda yadda yadda. I just want to feel like I've done something with my life.

With S's pregnancy, I had a super duper witch of an ultrasound technician. She was smart mouthed, didn't take the mother or father's feeling into consideration and just really acted like she hated her job. I always felt sorry for women who went in there only to find out something had happened to their baby and that ultrasound tech being gruff about it.

Also, I've always been interested in the medical field. I guess this really came about during S's stay in the hospital. I found everything interesting and really loved to absorb medical terminology, how the nurses and doctors acted around parents, how they came up with plans on treating a patient. I knew, however, that I could never be a doctor or a nurse. I cannot watch other people get shots, and if I do, I pass out. I can watch myself get an IV or shots and it doesn't bother me, but on other people....no way. I remember when J had a huge migraine (he suffers from them a lot) and the doctor came in to give him something for the pain, and I watched for a half second and then felt very light headed and had to look away and force myself to think of something different.

So I'm going in for Radiologic Technology. I want to really excel in the Ultrasound Tech field and it only takes 2 years to get your degree. If I do this and land a decent job, J will be quitting his and he will become the stay at home daddy for a while.

I'm not worried about the major field courses, and I'm not worried about the general courses. All but one. Algebra. Ugh. I did horrible in General Math in High School, but I did ace Algebra 1 my sophomore year. So that gives me hope. Also, I am horrible at test taking, and I'll have to take an entrance exam to get in. These things are not my strong suit.

Also?

I feel pretty dumb. I know I'm not dumb, but when it comes to school, I don't seem to have the great self esteem that it takes to get through school.

Also?

Do I have the discipline to go every single day for 2 years? That's a lot of time I'm missing out of my children's lives. I will miss that, and that makes me sad and makes me think that I should just stay the course and be a stay at home mom forever. I'm content as a stay at home mom. Why should I shake things up just to do what I want?

So many things to think about. J is totally on board with the idea and I've done some research as far as the job market out there. I could make more money at a doctor's office than I would a hospital. The range of pay is anywhere from $46,000-$66,000 a year and there is always room for advancement.

I realize that I won't be needing to make a decision on it just yet, it is a couple years away, but I've been known to stress out about things and worry about them until the very last minute.

So I am off to read some more about this career choice and see if it's right for me and my family!

Insomnia

2009-06-07T22:58:00.004-05:00

I'm starting to get a little concerned that my insomnia is going to start taking me over soon. I've had varying degrees of insomnia since S was born. While he was in the NICU I was always calling. Woke up out of sleep every hour on the hour to call to check on him. I started to wonder why I was sleeping when I was having to wake up all the time. Then S started to be more and more stable and I would only call every 2 hours. Then we went to live at the Ronald McDonald House for the last 3 weeks of his hospital time. Not a great experience. If I wasn't by S's bedside, I was in the kitchen of the RMH, cleaning and doing chores until morning. Everyone who stayed there had some chores they did. Just little things that helped keep the place neat and clean. Then S finally came home. On medical equipment. O2 and and apnea monitor. I was always worried he was going to somehow get the O2 tubing around his neck or feet or arms and choke himself or cut off blood supply to a limb that I would constantly check on him at night. Not to mention the apnea machine. I was always waiting for it to go off. My body was always set to respond to S if it did go off. After the first year of S's life, things finally calmed down and I started getting some decent sleep.

Then I got pregnant. I was sleeping pretty well until the 2nd trimester hit. Then J started in with his horrible snoring and was starting to cease breathing in a few of those snores. He was working his butt off for his psycho boss, and I always stayed up late, afraid for his well being. Thinking I was going to get a call that he had been hurt, or worse yet, killed because the boss was always working them illegally. So, I stayed up, and he would call me late at night just to have someone to talk to so he didn't fall asleep while driving.

Then came little A. Who screamed for 15 weeks straight. Who didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 6 or 7 months old. So more loss of sleep there.

Then came J's diagnosis of severe obstructive sleep apnea and the CPAP machine. This was actually good news. The CPAP wasn't noisy, and J's snoring wasn't keeping me awake. But my worries over him working as much as he did continued. I've never been so glad to see someone quit a job in all my life.

But..the insomnia continued and I'm still suffering through it today. 4 years later. The doc put me on some meds to help, and this is my 3rd day taking them and they have not worked thus far. The next step will to have a sleep study done to try to find out why I am not sleeping more than I should.

A few things come to mind:

Stress
Kids
Can't seem to shut my mind off
Thinking of things that have happened or that may happened
Thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow or how the day is going to g.

I'm hoping something is done soon. I feel my mind slipping and I'm losing any control that I have over myself. I'm so tired some days, I can't form a sentence. I definitely want to be the mother and wife that I once was. I can handle only getting 4-6 hours of sleep a day..but this 2-3 is really not cutting it.

Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy

2009-06-06T00:32:00.004-05:00

There's a buzz going around the blogs and message boards about a mother who was making her daughter very sick. Her daughter is a preemie (I think she's 2 or 3) with some medical problems (feeding tube, things like that) This term was used, and although I knew what it was, I wanted to look further into this "condition".

One thing that keeps popping up is the symptoms. And one thing in the symptoms list grabs my attention every time and that is that the caregiver usually has a very good knowledge of medical terminology and of tests and diseases. And for this I have to say (just to get it off my chest):

I am a mother of a preemie child who was in the hospital for 93 days. I know my medical terminology. I looked up everything that was ever talked about while he was in the hospital. I looked at his medical records, I demanded to know EVERY little detail about what was going on with my child. If I didn't understand it, I read whatever I could get my hands on to understand it. I poured over books and the Internet. I sat up countless nights reading what I could, stuffing my brain so full of information I often had headaches from trying to learn so much. I know medications, what they are used for and why. I know the dosage for babies and toddlers and kids in general. I know more than I want to know sometimes.

I know that it's only ONE symptom of this condition, but it's like a slap in the face to know just because I know my way around a doctor's office and terminology, that professionals are left to wonder if I have this condition.

Let me put it this way: If I hadn't have learned all that I could have while S was in the hospital, how in the world could I have been and advocate for his care? How could I have called myself a mother if I just let them do "whatever" to him without knowing about the "whatevers" they were doing to him. I was not keen to sit back and watch someone take care of MY child without me being actively involved in his care.

So the next time my kids are sick, and I take them to the doctors, I'm going to wonder if the doctor thinks I have Munchausen syndrome by proxy when he looks at me and writes something down on his little paper. Yes, I'm being a tad sarcastic there, but still. It gets on my nerves when people start labeling every little thing.

I'm praying for that little girl. I hope she gets better soon and can recover from this nightmare that she should not have had to endure at the hands of her mother.

LOL-tastic!!

2009-06-03T23:33:00.002-05:00

I keep watching this over and over..it is too funny.

De-hickified

2009-05-31T21:18:00.002-05:00

So, that's not really a word up there in my title line..but good enough.

So we de-hickified our little front porch. Poor little porch. When we moved, the fridge was in this place, but we had a much better one, so we put the old one out on the porch with the intent of taking it to the dump or pawning it off on someone. We just never got around to it because I had my surgery and that took a lot out of me and out of J, so it sat there. Then we had to clean out our car so the new owner could take it. We got a big box and threw everything from the car in it. Then we put it on the front porch. Also, when the boys are really dirty, I strip them down to their undies, and sometimes forget to bring in the clothes. So yeah...we really hicked it up. Finally, we got out there on Friday and got rid of the fridge and the big box o' trash and I finally had a nice little porch again! I hung up flower baskets and now it's starting to look nice again. The only bad thing is that we have an oil patch where it leaked out of the box o' trash onto the porch and it's probably not going anywhere. Ugh. Oh well.

J also purged our walk in closet of junk. Now we actually have a floor in there. Who would have thought?? An actual floor!

Next summer is revision of the back deck to make it bigger and the addition of places to actually sit down at. Not to mention I plan on planting more flowers and having baskets and maybe some widow boxes for the front of the house. Ahh..the possibilities.

I'm not much for the great outdoors (unless there's a swimming pool or a beach near) but I will do my best to make things look a little pretty. :o)

Speaking of Hubbys

2009-05-26T01:11:00.005-05:00

I met J 3 months after my first husband died. I met him in September and married him in December. Why so soon after my first husband? I have no idea. I do know that fate seemed to be pushing us together. Our likes and dislikes were the same. We had similar interests. I really really loved being around him. While we were dating (he lived 35 minutes from me), I would get so excited and had the butterflies in my stomach when he told me he was coming over, or we had a date. He made me feel so loved and so cared for. And for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful, I felt like I was really really pretty and couldn't believe I had someone, let alone a man, tell me that I was beautiful. My self esteem, for the most part, is pretty good. I have great friends that I care about, I have a best friend that I really treat like my sister, even though we have argued on occasions. My point is: I never needed a man to tell me I was pretty. But for some reason, when J did, my whole world lit up.

As a dare, I completed a profile on Yahoo Personals. I never really thought I'd get any hits. To my surprise, I got 7 or 8 within the first day. I couldn't respond to them because I hadn't paid to actually carry on conversations with these guys. I wasn't going to pay either. I think you could respond by sending them a "Hi" or something, but if you wanted a full out conversation, you had to pay by the month. So I guess they (and I, for that matter) lost interest in talking with them. I found most of them boring, or self centered. On the 4th day of having my profile up and a couple days after I stopped talking to the other guys, J sent me a message. I still decided I was not going to pay to talk to these guys. But the oddest thing happened. I never once had to pay to talk to J on there. I could send long messages and give him my messenger I.D.'s so we could talk. 24 hours later, I could no longer send him messages. Very odd. Anyhow, so now that he had my messenger I.D.'s, we could talk as long as we wanted. And we did. I remember talking to him for 10 hours one night! Only stopping to go to the bathroom, eat and take a shower. 10 hours. Too funny.

I hate doing anything without J by my side. Most people would find that annoying, but I enjoy doing things with my husband.

He's sometimes a bit clingy and can giggle like a school girl when he's had too much to drink. But he's fun to be around. I can't imagine a life without my husband. I know it sounds corney, but he is the very best thing that has ever happened to me.

Adoption

2009-05-26T00:17:00.002-05:00

J and I have talked about adoption. We got to talking about it tonight. Of course, there is no way (unless we win the lottery) that we would be able to afford the costs of it. I think adoption is one thing that really defies you as a person. To be able to love outside of your family, outside of your biological children, outside of yourself, is truly awesome. To take a child into your home, that you didn't carry for 9 months, or deliver, and make that child feel the most love he/she has ever felt in his/her life, shows how unselfish people really are. I am in awe of people who adopt. Every child deserves a home. Every child deserves to be loved.

Guilt

2009-05-25T02:21:00.002-05:00

Has something bad ever happened to you, and you feel guilty, like it's all your fault? Then you realize that it's, indeed, not your fault, but then years down the road, you suddenly feel that same guilt come sweeping back over you? The feeling of you should have done more, or what if I did it this way instead...or what if I only...

Sometimes those feelings never go away. Sometimes, no matter what you do, they never never go away and they always rear back into your life at the wrong moments. And you know what's worse? There is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better. Friends and family can say "It's not your fault" or "You did everything you could, it's time to live your life now". That sucks. Don't say that to someone who suffered a loss.

I'm recently back into contact with my late husband's son. He was a little rough around the edges when I first met him. Temper tantrums, didn't know what to do with his anger, or how to show it. Didn't know that there were boundaries and limits. But as he grew before my eyes, he grew into a wonderful kid. A kid that was loved by everyone that knew him and then instantly by people he just met. I swear we could be out shopping, and everyone would stop to say hi to him and hug him. I think this is one of the reasons we got along so well. He was a MAJOR people person.

Anyhow. I had to go from talking to a 13 year old in a 13 year old's language, to talking to an 18 year old. An adult for cripes sake!! I don't know what his likes and dislikes are anymore, I missed out on 5 years of this person's life. I swore to myself that I wouldn't lose contact with him. That I needed him in my life because he was such a big part of my life. My first mothering experience (even though he's NOT my biological kid). I wanted to go to his graduation, I wanted him to be a big brother to any kids I may have had (if he wanted to, of course). I wanted to make sure that if he could, he would go do stuff with us. Like camping, or swimming, boating, things like that. And I lost 5 years. That realization hit hard after I hung up the phone with him today, after talking to him for 20+ minutes.

Then? There came that guilt. Flooding back. Instantly. What could I have done different to make sure his father stayed alive to see him grow into this adult. Why did I do it. Why couldn't I keep him alive. I should have..I could have..why didn't I....

Guilt sucks.

Seriously

2009-05-22T00:47:00.003-05:00

I really need to go to bed sometime tonight. It's now going on 2:30a.m. Normally, the kids wake up when J gets home..and he watches them for a few more hours, letting me sleep in. Have I ever mentioned that I adore my hubby?? Anyhow. But tomorrow (today?) is different. He has to go to the doctor to get his blood pressure pills, and to get a new c-pap mask. His broke and even though I fixed it real good (ha ha), he still needs a new one. I'm hoping they will have something different that will stop cutting into the bridge of his nose. I'm also hoping that insurance will pick up most of the bill for it.

This weekend I plan on taking the kids to the park. Hopefully it won't rain and we can enjoy a picnic too. They are so into Wendy's. S calls everything like that "Happy Donald Meal". Even if it's not from McDonald's. When we have sauce at home for our chicken, he calls it "Happy Donald Meal Sauce". The kid is funny! We only eat at a fast food joint maybe once a week and it's usually the more healthy stuff. Chickey nuggets, apple slices, but I have seen S eat a whole cheeseburger and ask for more. He's really been eating a lot here lately. They are really going to grow before my eyes and I hate the thought of that. But I also know that I will love it as well.

Speaking of family. Ever since S was born, I have always hated the idea of leaving my boys behind, and more often than not, take at least one of them with me to run errands. Even leaving them with family doesn't put me at rest. I know, eventually, J and I will want a vacation for just the two of us, but I really can't stand the thought of all of us not being together. I always tell J, that if the boys can't come with me (or us) then I really don't want to go anywhere. I'm good for a few hours, possibly a day, but more than that and I'm not a happy Mommy. When I was in the hospital for A, I missed S so bad, it hurt. The fact that I wasn't near him, listening to him talk and learn new things and see him smile and laugh almost killed me. I hated it. I really have no idea why I even brought that up. Maybe it's because I've been looking into a big family vacation, or maybe because J and I need a little break and the thought of leaving them is almost torture to me.

Ah well, I am off to bed..wanted to be in bed an hour ago!! Ugh!!

A little late

2009-05-20T01:32:00.003-05:00

I'm a little late in talking about this. But Denise (over to the right, her blog is "A Woman With Hobbit Feet") reminds us all that May is Preeclampsia awareness month. I really feel that this subject is not nearly as talked about it as much as it should be. It is such a serious, fast, and life threatening condition. I didn't even know what it was until my sister in law delivered her first son because of it. My doctor didn't even mention it to me during my first pregnancy (Pre-E is not the reason I delivered S early though).

When I started to show signs of Pre-E with A, it moved very fast. First, it was all the swelling, then the protein in the urine and finally, my blood pressure went sky high. All in a matter of days! Even then, I didn't know all that could happen. I didn't know it could cause you to move into a more serious state (HELLP) and I didn't know it could cause seizures, or death to the baby or mother or both. Just moving my foot would cause my blood pressure to jump to the 190's and above. When I started getting headaches, and vision problems, I thought it was just due to being pregnant. When I told the doctor this, he decided that A was better out than in and it was safer for both of us. I was 36w3d when I delivered A. During my c-section I was put on Mag Sulfate (I HATE that crap!) just to be sure I wouldn't have a massive seizure during the surgery. I had to stay on that another 24 -38 hours. I couldn't be alone with my baby because I was on this stuff. That really sucked. A was fine, but I had to stay on blood pressure meds another 3 months.

I know going through pregnancy is hard enough, and as a pregnant woman, we have enough to worry about as far as bringing a healthy baby into our arms. But I really don't think Pre-E is talked about enough, and sometimes, it's talked about too late.

I really have no idea what can be done. Or if there will ever be a cure for it. But I really think that education is the key. We can hope for a cure though, so support someone who is walking or participating in a Pre-E event!

My friend, Carrie, is pregnant with her first, and she's almost 37 weeks, she is showing signs of pre-e and I'm glad she is on top of it and is watching it closely (along with her hubby, parents and friends). I'm also glad to hear her doctor is making her come in twice a week now. She not only has educated herself about it, but her doctor sounds like they are on board too! I know she's well taken care of! Can't wait to meet the little booger here soon! I'm also keeping them in my thoughts for an easy and complication free delivery!

Anxious

2009-05-14T22:57:00.003-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I am so ready for S to go to school. To see him blossom and learn and around peers and make friends. I'm VERY ready for him to go to school. I think some Mommy time for A would be good. S is always teasing and picking at him, it's really wearing on my nerves. Especially when all A does is screech at S in return for picking on him. Oh the screeching. My head hurts just thinking about it. I'm sad to say that bedtime is often my most favorite time of the day. But, I'm always greeted with a wonderful "Hi MOMMY!!!" when I wake up, and that makes everything all better again. Well..until the screeching begins. Let's not go there.

Anyhow. I am happy S is going to school. But wow. Does it bring out emotions you never thought you had. "Will he be ok? Will he Listen to the teacher? Will he make friends? Will he get picked on? Will he be able to keep up with the other students? Will he get in trouble a lot? Will. He. Be. Ok?" It's hard to give up your child to the hands of another person. All he's had is me and daddy and brother and home life. This will be such a total change for him. I just want him to be ok. Why aren't parents allowed to have a crystal ball? Just for looking in the near future. I want to protect him, but I know that I'm not going to be able to do that when he goes to school. I know deep down this is the best for him, but damn if it doesn't bring out the anxiety in me.

I'm glad J is going to be going with us the first day of school. Everyone thinks that S won't be able to let go, but I really think that I'M the one that's going to have to be dragged out of there.

Also? I just know I'll cry.

Being a parent sucks.

Sometimes ;o)